Grass Is Always Greener

This week we learn that NBC/Universal’s Green Week applied even to shows that would not air during the original Green Week, a.k.a. a way for a corporation to bow down to some vocal environmentals by incorporating preachy (and non-consequential) commentary about “being green” into their regular programming while ignoring the irony of the energy wasted by encouraging people to stay home and consume energy by watching television. /end rant.

So Tim tells the designers that they can use only green, natural textiles. The (additional) catch? Their models are buying the fabrics, with no guidance from the designers. I pause for a moment to ask what is a “natural textile,” except for all textiles besides polyester and rayon. It seems that dyes and a host of other things make the natural fibers (cotton, wool, and silk) no longer natural. But if we think cellularly and design globally, my rules apply and most fabrics are natural. (Could they have designed something from un-dyed baby seal skin? What’s more natural than that?)

After an extended I Am Legend-like-sepia-toned travel spot focusing on an Elle magazine cover with Mary Kate Olsen, the designers start working with the fabric, or rather lack thereof, that the models bring back to them. You see, models are not trained in fabric measurements or fashion design, so they did not bring back enough fabric for all of the designers. Free for all, y’all! The strict, Kashrut rules applying to “natural textiles” also limit the number of available colors so they could either pick many varieties of white or shiny, baby poo brown. The Perfect Strangers writers couldn’t have come up with something wackier.

Despite being set up to fail, most of the designers pulled through with minimal whining. But it wouldn’t be a Bravo competitive show if at least one person didn’t spend their time complaining that “this isn’t what I do,” as if they’ve never seen the show. This week it went to leather-enthusiast Stella who only works with leather. Granted she threw together something (unlike last week) but it did not deserve to be one of the top three.

Our celebrity judge, “environmental activist” Natalie Portman, did and said little, except hock her new line of vegan shoes: V for Vegan (my notes are fuzzy). Again, I didn’t understand what this meant considering shoes don’t eat so they are all vegan (even the ones made from cows). Aside from (thankfully) not using a British accent, her only contributions were liking Wesley’s bowtie (on the dress, not Wesley) and describing Leanne’s model as “Peter Pan.” She was right on with that last one and I (almost) take back what I said about The Other Boleyn Girl. Almost.

I liked Kenley’s dress with the high collar, which was a classic outfit that I could see someone wearing. (She’s on my short “one to watch” list.) Unfortunately, she lost out to Suede, who I suspect won because he took a greater risk and was more creative with the materials. He also talked about himself in the third person, e.g., “Suede f—ing rocked it.” Endearing (eye roll).

One final observation: the calculators at the bravotv.com polling place erroneously assigned the winner of the poll “Which one is crazier” to “A. Blayne’s tanorexia” at 37% over “C. Suede talking in the third person” at 47%. Maybe the models are tabulating the results or maybe they’re grooming us to like Blayne because he makes it to the finale. Eh?

Episode Cheat Sheet (Season 5; Episode 2)

• In: Our own “bisexual Sagittarius,” Suede, who took his lemon of fabric and made a lemonade soaked tutu.

• Out: Wesley, his short shorts, and the brown slinky dress, which according to Nina was “shiny, tight, and short . . . the quickest way to look cheap.” This was more disappointing than when Malan Breton from Taiwan^TM got the boot. (Note: After leaving the show, he and Daniel have become “travel companions.”)

• Michael Kors Quote of the Week: “I love curvy girls [but] even curvy girls don’t like wings off their butt[s]” (reacting to Korto’s inside-out dress).

• Tim Gunn Make-It-Work-O-Meter: 1 (cumulative 3).

• Rating: 1 out of 5 Ninas based on stupidity of challenge, more excuses than designs, and poor use of guest judge.