America’s Next Top Model: The Notorious Fierce Fourteen

Let me be the first to welcome you all back from the summer and into the Fall Season, where it’s not just about famous zip codes and JJ Abrams.  That’s right, America!  Top Model is back!  It’s Cycle 11, and that means more fun, more photos, and more Tyra Banks than you’d ever freely admit to wanting! 

And this cycle, we’re moving to L.A.!  If you were all contestants on this show, you’d be screaming right now.  As a result of the relocation, the show gets a bigger budget, which, sadly, they spend on bad special effects.  Because Cycle 11 is the future.  Or so Tyra tells us. 

We’re introduced to the 30 semi-finalists, who include Mormons, anti-ghetto-ists, Harlem Asians, gullible figure-skaters, “I’m not a lesbian” vegans, and pre-op transgenders.  If that doesn’t spell a winning season right there, I don’t know what does.

The girls arrive by bus at the Top Model Institute of Technology.  Fake lightning strikes to show that this is a place of science, obviously.  The Jays greet the ladies in awful silver outfits and usher them in for their body scans, i.e. pictures in unforgiving leotards.  Afterwards, they walk the runway for Miss Jay.

The Jays bring the girls to a room with a machine that will turn them into better models.  Instead, fake pyrotechnics produce the shell of Tyra Banks, aka “Tyra-bot.”  The girls scream, because that’s a prerequisite for this show.  Tyra informs them it’s time for the girls to meet the judges one by one.

Our first standout is anti-ghetto-ist Kacey, not for her look, but for her bitchified opinions.  She does a better job ripping the contestants apart than I could ever do.  And she has no white friends because of her hair and swimming.  Then there is Brittany, who struts around with lucky ANTM panties.  I choose not to examine this too closely.  Analeigh is a figure skater who was almost sold as a bride to a Saudi Arabian Prince.  Clark (with no “e,” thank you) has no insecurities and threatens to get bitchy and competitive to win.  We have our first finalist!  Marjorie is originally from France and, because she’s so awkward, we’ve met this year’s project.  You might remember her as Lauren from Cycle 10.  Veronique is a rebellious Mormon girl.  We also meet Isis, a background model from Season 10′s homeless shoot, but more importantly, she was ”born in the wrong body”: born physically male, but a female through and through. 

Backstage, the girls bond until they find out the Secret of Isis, and then the gossiping starts, led by Kacey, who doesn’t believe in being ghetto, but does believe in being judgmental. 

We meet Sheena from Harlem, half-Japanese and half-Korean, and the Kimora comparisons begin.  Brittney R. seems just bland enough to be forgotten and eliminated early.  Hannah’s from Alaska and grew up with no running water or heat.  And now look at her!

Joslyn has an annoying, high voice, but a good, genuine spirit.  She’s auditioned approximately 30 times (2-3 times per cycle).  Elina is the vegan who only wears black and pants because they’re not gender specific, and who will not be defined by words like “lesbian,” but still claims to enjoy converting girls over to her “side.  It’s [her] sport.”  We find out backstage that she’s crushing on Clark.  That should go over well.

Nikeysha flashes the judges and pulls out fake boobs (never leave home without ‘em!).  Susan just graduated from Harvard as an English and American Lit Major, but can’t match Tyra’s intellect by naming a single literature title or heroine.  Samantha looks like a surfer, with a kind of blank stare.  She can’t name five currently working models, spurring a Tyra lecture about doing your homework. 

First round of cuts!  The Jays show up in hot pink t-shirts.  The girls get a “high-tech” hand scan, which tells them if they’ve passed.  Yes, that “granted access” jingle you hear is a sound effect from Star Trek.  Don’t judge me!  Angry tears follow the ten girls who didn’t make it.

The remaining 20 get five minutes to do their own make up, followed by a photo shoot in an electric blue cat suit.  Samantha draws cat lines (I think?) on her face, everyone else goes normal.  Clark says she’s “always seen herself as exceptional to other people.”  I can’t wait for Clark to fight with EVERYone. 

A number of the girls do well.  The Jays and Tyra-bot converge for the final judging round and pretend to use a computer console.  They break the girls down to their favorites.  Then, because they have the budget, they beam “fiercely” down to the judges’ room for eliminations.  Your finalists: Sheena, Nikeysha, Analeigh, Marjorie, Samantha (swear!), Elina, Brittney R., Brittney S., Brittney B. and her lucky panties, Hannah, Lauren Brie, Isis, Clark, and Joslyn.  I guess Kacey didn’t make it because Clark will be a much better villain.

Tyra tells the losers to never give up.  Hannah reminds us she’s from Alaska, where they don’t have billboards and heat, so this rocks!  Sheena threatens to invade America with a new strain of yellow fever.  Lots of screaming follows us out as the Fierce Fourteen congratulate themselves on what is sure to be one of the cattiest, fiercest cycles yet.  Do you want to be on top? 

Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW at http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model11