America’s Next Top Model: The Top Model Inauguration

Welcome back!  The girls coast in convertibles to a rooftop pre-party for their fabulous, finalist selves.  Samantha is missing graduation and the prom, but how can you pass up an opportunity like this?  Marjorie emigrated from France when she was nine and was home-schooled, so she can’t help but feel different. 

Brittany B. and Brittany S. had to change their names, so B becomes Sharaun, and S becomes McKey.  The Jays arrive to send the girls on an eco-friendly bus to their new digs.  And the house is gorgeous.  Hannah is beyond excited because she’s finally got heat and running water. 

Later, the girls quiz Isis on her “transition.”  Sharaun declares that “America’s Next Top Model is not going to be a drag queen” (but drag queens can always be models on Project Runway).  Hannah and Clark try to convince themselves that they are not close-minded, they’re just more traditional.  Though Clark does tell us that this “he/she…has no place in this competition.” 

Tyra Mail!  Tomorrow promises intimacy.  I hope it’s a nude shoot and someone refuses.

The girls go to The Magic Castle Hotel.  Long kitschy-story short, Nigel and Paulina join the Jays onstage at a magic show to tell the girls they’ll have individual sessions with each of the judges.  They need to make a good impression, but also take advantage of judge face time.  Sharaun introduces herself to each judge as “America’s Next Top Model,” turning off everyone.  Marjorie is so nervous she can’t speak at all.  Miss J and Joslyn hit it off like old girlfriends. 

The next day, the girls show up at a photo shoot to represent the issues and show that voting is sexy.  Who gets to pose with John McCain?

Marjorie is up first to tackle Immigration.  She giggles her way through her interview, saying she’s always uncomfortable, but with Immigration, she’s at least a little more comfortable (because she’s an immigrant, yo).  She’s like a caricature of herself.  Jay loves her couture posing.  Brittany models Military.  Clark represents Bureaucracy.  Her face reminds me of Jessica Simpson and, no, that’s not a compliment.  Jay calls her a “really pretty, plastic Barbie.”  Also not a compliment.  McKey doesn’t know how to make the Environment sexy and air boxes as a last resort.  Clark thinks it’s the end for McKey.

Hannah is morally confused by her issue, Nuclear Weapons.  Elina rocks  Foreign Policy.  She smiles with her eyes, to Jay’s delight.  Isis is told to make the Privacy issue sexy, and Sharaun interviews that that’s impossible – Isis is a man!  I guess this topic will never get old.  Isis poses in a voting booth  and three girls are set up behind her, one being Sharaun. They speak loudly enough for Isis to hear, saying things like Isis is too hairy and sweats too much, and so on.  And look, I’m all for ridiculous catfights over who poured someone’s coffee in the sink or peeing in diapers on set, but giving Isis a hard time about being transgender and in the competition is a little ridiculous. She was chosen to be on the show; she didn’t force her way in.  I mean, they let a Jessica Simpson look-a-like in, so give me a break.

Nevertheless, Isis keeps it together and rocks her shots.  Jay warns Sheena (Energy) against going too sexy. The safe word is “hooch.”  Joslyn (Unemployment) is “almost Tyra Banks hot.”  Analeigh (Healthcare) does all right.  Elina describes Sharaun (Homeland Security) as wild and over the top, which she finds “repulsive.”  Me too.  Jay says she’s convoluted and “not pretty.”  Samantha (Economy) is “bang on.”  Lauren Brie (Education) passes in a blur of boring.  Nikeysha (Cloning) provides a variety of poses, but not with her face.

Judging!  Tyra reminds us that some important women, who shall remain nameless, fought for our right to vote, so now it is not only a right, but a responsibility – so get out there!

Tyra does a call and answer outlining the prizes, but this ain’t season 1, so let’s get to it! 

Bonjour, Marjorie!  Nigel sees nerves, Paulina sees a brain, Tyra thinks it’s divine.  I disagree.  Miss J points out that Sharaun loves to spread her legs, Nigel thinks she didn’t get it.  Clark looks like a black widow, which was not the point.  The judges love Elina and thinks she looks patriotic.  Uh huh.  What?  Nikeysha walks up shyly and is told to loosen up.  When the judges provide criticism, she starts arguing and Tyra tells her to listen.  Samantha receives compliments on her photos.  Joslyn gets a “fierce” for her photo and is definitely one of the best.  Analeigh gets mixed reviews.  Brittany’s military surprisingly gets “strong, powerful, proud.”  Tyra’s brother is going to love it.  Hannah loves Gossip Girl and headbands, and the judges pick up on her nuclear confusion.  Sheena’s sexy photo is “cute” and “actually beautiful.”  McKey also gets mixed reviews.  Lauren Brie’s photo looks lost.  Isis nails her photo.

The judges deliberate.  Clark, Sharaun, Lauren Brie, and Nikeysha get low marks.  Joslyn, Marjorie, Brittany and Isis score highly.  The girls line back up and Tyra announces that each week, the person who is announced first will have her photo displayed in the house for the following week.  First up: Marjorie!  I don’t get it.  In the bottom two, it’s Nikeysha and Sharaun.  Sharaun left a terrible impression with the judges during the one-on-ones and Nikeysha doesn’t know when to listen.  And the girl who gets to stay: Nikeysha.  Sharaun accepts comfort from Tyra and promises she’ll be successful in…something.

Next week: Truth or Dare and Hannah’s a racist!  Stay tuned, America!

Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW at http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model11