America’s Next Top Model: You’re Beautiful, Now Change

Every season’s most anticipated episode is upon us, America: MAKEOVERS.  Here’s hoping for tears and hysterics!

But first!  Back to the house after eliminations, and Brittany laments being called “pretty” despite her best efforts to appear model-y.  Analeigh wants to be more than average.  Guess who’s bottom two?  The girls arrive to find none other than Tyra Banks in a tiara, waiting in the decorated living room for them.  It’s a Princess Party!  You’ve seen one-year-olds have similar birthdays.  The girls pretend to eat pizza at Tyra’s command. 

Now, I’m going to recap this next part as quickly as I can because it’s just about the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen.  First, Tyra tells the inspiring tale of how, instead of losing 15 pounds to get hired by Italian fashion designers, her mother fed her pizza and said we’re calling Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated and going the Maxim route.  Tyra uses the “makeover her career” theme to awkwardly segue into giving the girls … Makeovers!  The girls scream like one-year-olds, and the decorations make sense now.  Tyra starts with specifics, but then Miss J appears as a witch, Tyra slurps a “poisoned” apple on herself and collapses, Mr. Jay shows up as Prince Couture to awaken her with a kiss, and then she’s carried out.  Bottom line, the girls arrive at the salon the next day without “sick” Tyra, and the Jays claim not to know about Tyra’s makeover plans.  So stupid.  The mirrors will be covered so the girls won’t see their look until it’s complete.

Tyra appears in the corner of the screen as a blonde, blue-eyed good witch to explain the makeovers in a silly accent.  Marjorie becomes a brunette.  Joslyn receives texture and length, while Samantha’s long, blonde hair gets snipped, and she cries.  But once revealed, she loves it and rocks it.  Hannah receives a blunt cut to her chin with bangs.  Definitely high fashion.  Clark also goes brunette, which is generally unflattering and ages her.  Lauren Brie becomes even blonder.  Highlights for Sheena and Analeigh, who worries about her un-Analeigh-like blonde locks.  Elina, usually in control of her look, wants long brown or black hair.  An interview like that usually means to expect the opposite.  And get ready!  Tyra weaves bright red curls into Elina’s head.  Not Brittany from Cycle 8 red.  More like Brigid Brannagh red curls.  More tears!  Elina doesn’t feel like herself, and girl, I’ve been there.  But the red curls do look great and transformative.  This Cycle’s Brittany criticizes Elina in her interview that if you’re comfortable with yourself, who cares about your hair?  Get a bad haircut, Brittany, a really bad one, and let’s talk again.

McKey is given shorter, black hair, while Isis receives extensions, and Brittany gets a weave with a wave.  She looks beautiful, but not high fashion.

From the salon to Wal-Mart, where we meet Sutan the make-up artist and Crissy Barker, Cover Girl spokesmodel, and wife of Nigel.  The girls pimp Cover Girl in a 30-second commercial which requires personality and selling points, but no script.  The winner will be featured on the website, and also receive a $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card.  Samantha, Lauren Brie, and Hannah do well.  Analeigh, Brittany, and Isis fall flat.  Hannah wins, which is nice, because if she didn’t have heat, she didn’t have a Wal-Mart.

For this week’s controversy, the theme is Motherhood.  Brittany rides in on her high horse named Judgment.  She talks about how much she loves her mother and couldn’t live without her.  Elina contributes that she dislikes her own mother, and interviews that her mother discouraged emotion and created a guarded, controlled daughter.  And while Elina admits that her mother does buy her clothes and food and puts a roof over her head, Elina still “hates” her.  Brittany confessionalizes, “How the hell can you hate your mother… You an evil bitch.”  Evil?  They should call this Cycle’s house the House of Hyperbole.  First Hannah, now Brittany.  She accuses Elina of using her mother and calls her a psycho.  While Elina seems the dramatic, rebellious type, she also seems intelligent enough to have an idea of what she’s saying.  Either way, shut up Brittany, because sometimes loving your mother means you’re the psycho, right, Norman?

The next day, the girls arrive at a house overlooking the beach for a swimsuit shoot.  Susan Holmes, supermodel and designer, provides the swimwear.  Mr. Jay will stand back and let Susan and the photographer direct the shoot.

Sheena, Lauren Brie, McKey, and Joslyn breeze through.  Analeigh struggles to find a pose.  Susan says she needs to get comfortable in her own skin.  Hannah’s eyes go intense and freak out the photographer.  Clark shines, and Brittany expresses her concern to Mr. Jay that she overthinks her performance.  The photographer calls her pretty, but not memorable.  Samantha rocks her hair and her photos.  Stunning.  Elina feels more comfortable with her new hair, and takes beautiful, if boring pictures.  Marjorie…snore.  The photographer thinks Isis struggled and is lacking something special.

Judging: Sheena smiles with her eyes and photographs serenely.  The judges criticize Analeigh’s amateur posing.  Paulina thinks Clark’s makeover looks great.  I disagree completely.  Her photo’s a neutral.  Hannah takes a great, European photo, but her film lacked variety.  Lauren Brie reminds Miss J of Caridee, and provides the variety that Hannah lacked.  Brittany looks too natural, with no intensity.  McKey scores well.  Isis gets mixed reviews.  Marjorie impres…snore.  Samantha’s photo draws Paulina in.  She knows how to turn “it” on during her shoots.  Elina takes a great close up photo.  Tyra thinks that Elina’s makeover makes her look racially ambiguous.  Tyra says Joslyn’s photo has power and emotion.

Deliberation!  Sheena, Lauren Brie, Samantha, and Joslyn are favorites, while Analeigh, Clark, and Brittany tank.  Elina wins first photo this week, and bottom two are Brittany and Analeigh.  Brittany is pretty, but can’t translate stunning to photos.  Analeigh isn’t fulfilling potential.  Staying this week: Analeigh.  Tyra tells Brittany to buy European fashion magazines to learn what Tyra can’t teach her.  The good news: Judgmental Brittany finally leaves … who’s going to stir up trouble next week?  Tune in to find out!

Next week: A runway challenge!

Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW at http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model11