Dancing with the Stars: Fall: A Season for Dancing

Fall has arrived and as the leaves descend from their trees, so do America’s B-list stars float down from their formerly-lofty careers to dance for America’s votes and approval – and hopefully there are a few actual falls along the way.

I must say, this season’s list of spotlight-grubbers includes some primo celeb-u-nots.  I’ve actually heard of some of these folks – and not just from VH1′s I Love the 80s.  Night one (which went down Monday night as a first part of a three-night, two-elimination premiere extravaganza) introduced us to the fancy-footed “stars.”  Let’s meet them shall we?

Cody Linley, of Hannah Montana, was up first, dancing with fellow young, hot thing, Julianne Hough (who led Apolo to Dancing victory two seasons ago).  In his introduction, Cody admitted to beatboxing (hint to Cody: that’s not endearing, it’s annoying) and having a crush on his partner (well, duh).  The duo stepped out with a decent cha, cha, cha for a 6, 6, 6 from the judges.  An ominous score perhaps, but there’s no way those cursed numbers are sending these blonde babes home.

Rocco DiSpirito, of cooking fame, sauntered out next with his partner Karina (who, host Tom Bergeron tells us, twisted her ankle badly in rehearsals but persevered – such is the dancer’s way).  They performed a less than mediocre foxtrot, where Rocco trotted all over the place, head flailing.  Good thing he’s a bit of a fox (and girls, he can cook!), because otherwise his sad scores (5, 4, 5) might get him in trouble.

Toni Braxton was the first female to hit the Dancing stage and girlfriend knows how to bring it.  Singers always have a bit of an advantage since they’re used to being choreographed, but to steal the words right out of judge Bruno Tonioli’s ever-flapping mouth, she and partner Alec’s cha cha cha was “slinky, sultry and sexy.”  The competition better keep their eyes on Toni (how could they help themselves?).  She danced off with a 7, 7, 8.

Olympic sprinter Maurice Greene tested his agility on the floor with a foxtrot with his partner Cheryl.  But the trot failed to gain any speed, and despite a few nice points, seemed like such a dud after Braxton.  He also received a 6, 6, 6 – which may prove more deadly for him than for young Cody.

Former-Wild On host, Brooke Burke, took her MILF-tastic self – including her ridiculous legs – onto the dance floor for a cha cha cha with partner Derek.  The hot mama of 4 (seriously!), lit up the stage and had the judges panting.  Watch out fellas, the ladies are killing it tonight.

Ted McGinley, who’s partially-memorable from Married … with Children (read: doomed), danced with newcomer Inna.  His footwork was pretty good, but the performance lacked pizzazz.  Three 6s put him with the other fellows in dangerous territory.

Boy bands make a comeback with ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass and his partner Lacey Schwimmer (one of my favorite dancers and finalists from So You Think You Can Dance).  Their cha cha cha was “hot, hot, hot” in the words of judge Carrie Ann and the moves were smoking (love you Lacey!).  But fuddy-duddy Len thought it was too “young and modern” (boo, Len, boo).  Still, the former-crooner danced off with a respectable 8, 6, 8.

Cloris Leachman, Dancing‘s oldest contestant at 82, danced a lackluster foxtrot next with reigning champ Marc Ballas’ father, Corky.  Cloris received a standing ovation (for showing up?), but the judges judged her on her merits (and not her cleavage which she tried to persuade them with …).  She received a kind 6, 5, 5 and responded by triggering the censors with her reaction.  Is someone off her meds?

Jeffrey Ross, a barely-known and recognized comedian (read: super doomed), showed up with an eye-patch after being poked in the eye during rehearsals by his partner Edyta (which makes you wonder how either of them got there).  To put it nicely, their cha cha cha was crap crap crap.  But Jeffrey managed to crack a few jokes, including one about ballroom and the uncomfortably tight fit of his pants.  The judges rewarded his antics with a 4, 4, 4.  I hope you enjoyed your 5 minutes, Jeff.

Next up was the much publicized Kim Kardashian, who we’re told is known “from her reality show Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”  It’s cute that she thinks that’s why she’s famous and that it has nothing to do with a certain tape or a certain body part.  Aw.  And proving that she’s really never worth the hype, her foxtrot with partner Mark Ballas was stiff and forgettable.  She’ll probably stick around for the week (someone’s keeping her show on E!, right?), but her scores will have to improve from a 6, 7, 6 if she wants to keep swinging.

Next, the best bitch of daytime television, Susan Lucci, cha cha cha’d with her partner Tony, but it was a little too precious and careful for the judges.  I’m also pretty sure Carrie Ann suggested she eat something (which, Susan, probably isn’t a bad idea).  But she sure looked sexy in her little red dress, and her 5, 5, 5 seemed a little harsh.

Olympic gold medalist and volleyball player extraordinaire, Misty May-Treanor muscled her way across the dance floor next for a foxtrot with her sexy partner Maksim.  And despite her athletic background, the girl looked surprisingly graceful on the floor.  For once, I agreed with Len who thought she was elegant.  With a 6, 8, 7, Misty won’t finish in the top three, but she’ll certainly be someone to watch in future weeks.  Watch out for the spike!

NFL star (I guess?), Warren Sapp was up last, closing the show with a cha cha cha with his sexy Australian partner, Kym.  All I can say is wow.  There’s just something about watching a big guy shake his groove thing.  He was fun and free, and the crowd (and me) loved it.  His enthusiasm was rewarded with a 7, 7, 7 – and forget Kim Kardashian, I’d rather watch this guy shake it.  Let’s hope he keeps it up Tuesday.

Tuesday night:

Are you exhausted too?  I’ll keep this short and sweet.  (Unlike this premiere …)

Tonight someone goes home.  I’ll save you the suspense.  It was Jeffery Ross.  And no one’s surprised.

Highlights: Brooke continued to kick it big time – stealing the first place slot with a very high and well-deserved 9, 8. 9.

Other top ladies Toni and Misty stepped it up too.  Misty’s mambo included a lot of brave – and rather good – solo work, and Toni’s quick step was remarkably smooth.

Young Cody and Big Warren remained at the top of their game.  Warren vowed that “Fat boy’s gonna get this,” and he did.  His quick steps were a little awkward, but he’s an entertainer.  And Cody’s ability to keep up on his quick steps, bumped him up from a boy to a man in judge Carrie Ann’s book.

Lowlights: Ted McGinley thought that the mambo was “his dance.”  He was wrong.  Cloris Leachman continued to let her partner do all the work in her mambo, and then tried to bribe the judges.  And Kim Kardashian (after getting close to getting axed – a real lowlight) danced a booty-less mambo.  Really, Kim, with all the time you spend at the clubs, you never learned how to put your back into it?

Wednesday Night:

The marathon premiere continues as they drag out the results until the end.  The professional halves of the stars-couplets danced to “Under Pressure.”  We watched some highlights from Tuesday night and they slowly leaked the safe contestants.

Jesse McCartney showed up, sang a bit, and made me wonder if anyone would notice if they just switched Jesse and Cody (they’re like the same person, right?).  Adam Carolla tried to crack jokes about his failing career (wrong audience, Adam).  And the Jonas Brothers swung on by (because ABC’s audience loves Nickelodeon).

And the loser is, drum roll please: Ted McGinley.

So let’s sum it up for you.

Who fell: Jeffrey Ross and Ted McGinley (Who, you ask?  Exactly.)

Who’ll fall next week: My money’s on Cloris Leachman.  The pity vote will only get you so far.

Who’ll stick it out ‘til the end: I’m agreeing with Jimmy Kimmel on this one, and I’m going with Lance and Lacey.  An openly gay, Fatone-endorsed, Timberlake-approved, former boy bander and a spunky, punky dance show favorite with all the right moves.  I think they’ve got their key audiences covered.  (And no, I didn’t vote 5 times for Lacey on SYTYCD, I don’t own two ‘N Sync albums, and no, I’m not at all entirely biased.)

Season 7, Round 1, Episodes 1, 2, and 3 (originally aired September 22, 23, and 24, 2008)

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC