Gossip Girl: God Save the Queen

Oh boy, a lot happened this week so let’s get to it.  It’s back to school time on Gossip Girl this week, but the only classes on the agenda are manipulation, power struggles, and partying.  Sounds like my school, only our uniforms did not include ties.  We wakey, wakey our senior year with breakfast with the former Mrs. van der Woodsen (Lily) returned from her extended honeymoon just in time to discuss Serena’s breakup with Dan.  We’re treated to a similar exchange between Dan and Rufus on the other side of the river but without the hired help and a less bountiful spread of food.  Enter Jenny, who wants to skip the first day.  Why, well it’s Draft Day!

Cut to Queen B holding court and reviewing applications (in leather portfolios) of who will be the newest members of her court.  Nate can’t be bothered by any of this (or attending school) and skips the first day to see Vanessa in Brooklyn, but she brushes him off and he presumably returns in time for lunch period.  Dan, being Dan, bumps into Amanda, a new transfer student, and she’s conveniently reading a book by the author Dan worked for (and was fired by) over the summer.  Serena sees Dan and Amanda (or “Danda”) chatting the halls while Blair, the serpent to this Eve, tells her that the first one who dates wins by default.  Wins what, we do not know, but it is on!

After a commercial, Blair reviews Amanda’s application and decrees she is “Dan with boobs” and moves her to the front of the applicants pool.  In the halls, Dan and Serena see each other and have awkward banter until Amanda walks up and Dan says he can’t lunch with Serena because he already made plans with Amanda.  Chuck watches and sends a text to Gossip Girl, and again Chuck is on the top of my list of Gossip Girl candidates.  Blair gets the GG message and invites Amanda to lunch (i.e., cancel with Dan)…after threatening her with a field hockey stick.  It was a good scene, particularly when Blair explains to Serena that lunch is “the meal before dating.”  News to me.

Across town Lady Catherine confronts Vanessa in the gallery (with the nightstick) and gives her $5,000 as a thank you gift for leaving Nate.  Vanessa, who’s too proud to beg, is offended and leaves to return the money/bribe.  At the House of Lady Catherine, Vanessa is let in and allowed to roam the house unattended (what?).  She hears voices and opens a door to see Jimes getting all Oedipal with Lady Catherine.  Vanessa snaps a photo and leaves.  She hunts down Nate, shows him the photo, and they decide to use Blair for revenge.

In other gallery news, Lily, who’s not too proud to beg, pays a visit to see Rufus at the gallery.  Presumably she’s realizing she made a mistake by marrying Bart Bass and now she wants to continue her flirtatious game with Rufus.  Well, I’ll spare you the drawn-out tale, she later shows up at his house…with wine; he rebuffs her, intros her to his new girlfriend (Claire), and she leaves in a fit of embarrassment.

Back at the school of drama, Chuck tells Dan about the “code” that Amanda will not be able to date Dan once she’s indoctrinated into the Cult of Blair.  Serena is all upset about Blair’s machinations over Amanda and either apologizes or rationalizes everything to Dan.  Amanda, forgetting the code, invites Dan to go out that night to Decay, where all the cool kids hang.  Someone snaps a photo and Gossip Girl does her thing.  The next morning Jenny warns Dan about rubbing Amanda in the faces of Serena and her so-called friends.

And Jenny was right, because Serena wigs out on Dan for humiliating her by flaunting Amanda.  They decide to all go to Decay again that night: that’s right, folks, spotted S, A, and D, or “SAD.”  And why shouldn’t they go out on a Tuesday night, it’s not like they have school the next day.  Anyway, Serena watches Dan and Amanda dork it up with each other.  Blair’s courtiers (or is it courtesans) bring over some lacrosse players to entertain Serena and Serena plays along until she and Dan fight at the bar.  Chuck, dressed like a Batman villain (or Prince from Purple Rain), tells the courtiers to give Amanda a “Nair-tini.”  We quickly learn that it’s when you put Nair in a cocktail glass and pour it on someone.  That someone?  Amanda, and her hair starts falling out in two seconds.  Dan blames Serena for what happened and he leaves.  Serena tells the courtiers “never again” and that she must approve all future activities.  All hail Queen Serena!

Meanwhile, Blair plans her revenge on Lady Catherine and Jimes, but Vanessa gets antsy and tells the Duke what happened.  The Duke ships Catherine and Jimes back to England (so they can really have privacy?!?).  Blair, who originally got Catherine to agree to leave town and to pay off Nate’s father’s restitution, rightfully tells off Vanessa for ruining that plan and for screwing over Nate and not like how he likes.  Nate is also ticked at Vanessa.  Good, she’s an idiot.

Let’s wrap this episode up.  The next day we see Chuck and Amanda talking and we learn that Chuck hired Amanda to manipulate Serena into dethroning Blair.  Amanda is paid off and goes off to boarding school.  Jenny skips school in honor of “Women’s Suffrage Day” and starts working for free at Eleanor’s shop – ironically, that day she was supposed to learn that you only work for money.  Oh well.

At school we see Queen Serena going all Bloody Mary on everyone.  Not really.  Instead she puts her hair up in scarves and then all of the other girls do it…except for Blair, who didn’t get the memo (or telekinetic transmission).  Their first mission?  Shun Dan.  This should be interesting.  The Queen is dead.  Long live the Queen.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW