Project Runway: Are You There Diane von Furstenberg? It’s Me, Tim.

Tonight we have our/Tim’s annual devotional (and prayer breakfast) with Diane von Furstenberg (DvF), this time brought to by American Express (AmEx).  The designers head to the Meatpacking District to meet the fashion legend; along the way, Blayne confesses his undying love for Mary Kate Olsen and then I direct him to How the West Was Fun and suggest he reconsider.  When they arrive, DvF descends the stairs like she’s coming down from Mount Olympus for a dalliance with us mere mortals.

The challenge?  Create a look for DvF’s fall collection, inspired by the movie A Foreign Affair.  DvF describes the lead, played by Marlene Dietrich, as “a signer, a performer, or maybe she’s a spy.  And she starts in Berlin and she has to escape to Shanghai to end up in New York.  It’s the end of the 30s, the 40s . . . .”  Either she’s never seen the movie or it’s just that confusing.  I don’t know because I’ve never seen the movie and I’m sure most of the designers haven’t seen the movie, so I figured we’d just watch them watch a movie for an hour.  Alas, no, and they’re off to DvF’s personal sample room, where Stella pisses and moans about something and Tim rolls his eyes at her.  Holla!

Back at Parsons, Terri is making pants again, which disappoints me because I’m noticing a non-DvF-approved pattern with her; I’d like to see her do more.  While the other designers and I complain about Terri always doing pants, Joe and Blayne make fun of her pattern as if they didn’t realize they were mocking holy garment fabric from DvF’s personal collection.  Blasphemy!

In the lounge, Stella adopts a poker face and won’t tell anyone what she’s going to do.  She says it’s because she doesn’t trust Terri.  (Huh?)  Korto, who I suspect went to a different rodeo, isn’t having any of it.  After an odd commercial with Jack (Season 4) making pants for a Saturn (one week too late, dear), we’re treated to a short segment of Leanne fulfilling her lifelong dream to be Carmen Sandiego, only without the cool fedora or Rockapella (kick it!).

Tim meanders in and is greeted by Suede’s outfit “inspired by the Berlin.”  Unfortunately, the dress does not take Tim’s breath away and he moves on to Korto’s dress, which has the same pattern DvF used in her AmEx commercial (i.e., I like it).  Stella talks about her dress being from Paris and Tim corrects her that it’s Berlin (and Charles de Gaulle turns over in his grave faster than the French did in 1940).  We also see Leanne, Joe, and Kenley, meaning no-shows Terri, Jerell, and Blayne are safe for this week.  Oh yes, I’m on to you Bravo execs.  At this point, I’ll mention that we keep cutting to interview footage of Kenley crying and I mentally note that this is when I started not liking her.

The next day, we see Jerell in Underoos before heading back to Parsons where Tim advises them to “blow [DvF]‘s stilettos right off of those staggering legs of hers.”  Scramble, scramble, Stella’s still not done, scramble.  And we’re at the runway.  Heidi reminds us that the winner’s design will be sold to AmEx cardholders (like me!), with a portion of the proceeds going to CFDA (which they never define).  DvF is our guest judge, along with the regular irregular Michael Kors.  Nina is again clearing out her old office at Elle and our substitute judge is Fern Mallis, the brains and the brawn behind New York Fashion Week. 

Runway, runway, runway.  I give Suede the lowest mark for a frumpy design with an ugly pattern; Stella’s unfit outfit is a close second.  Kenley’s is the best design, even though it does not look like it is part of DvF’s fall collection.  As above predicted, Terri, Jerell, and Blayne are safe.

The best?  Korto’s very classy-looking dress with a circular pattern and yellow lining underneath; Kenley’s Shanghai-style number, while looking like an extra from You Only Live Twice, is nicely done; and Leanne with her masculine jacket over a beautiful indigo dress.

The worst?  Joe’s lopsided massage-parlor-in-Chinatown outfit with an open back; Stella’s confusing outfit that, per the judges, was more 1940s and had a cape belonging to a magician (Kors) or Dracula (DvF); and Suede’s quasi-camouflage pattern that makes the waifish model look fat and leads Kors, ever delicate with the delicate designers, to suggest that the model got dressed in the dark.

Before the results, we learn that 48% of you want Heidi’s spy name to be “Venus Schnitzel” over “Mata Hotties” or “Mrs. Stiletto.”  Awful choices: the first two are porn names, so scratch, and the last one is the name of a character in a short play I wrote in the tenth grade.  It was very Alfred Hitchcock Presents meets Misery meets Saw (before Saw was even conceived).  Tim Burton would direct. . . .

Where were we?  Ah yes, Korto and Kenley are safe, and Leanne wins!  That’s two in a row and she already had immunity.  Is this a Runway first?  I can’t recall.  Anyway, Suede advances (boo) and it’s down to Joe and Stella.  I’m hoping for Stella and not just because I lose my top four prediction.  It’s because I don’t want to see her in another bikini.  And Stella, who did “three pieces, and none of them well,” is out; Joe is safe.  Stella then gives a speech to the judges about how her “ego was way too big to be here.  I’ve learned and I’ve grown.”  I’ll give her half-credit for that because she eventually stopped doing only leatherwork.  But then, our always-classy gal tells Tim she’s happy to leave because this wasn’t her thing anyway.  Tim, not missing a beat, replies that then he’s happy to tell her to leave and sends her off to an “ebullient departure.”

Next week: “Jesus, help me,” “don’t call me darling,” Nina’s back, and someone’s “pooping fabric,” because “ooh, that’s bad,” per Heidi.

P.S.  Campos, did we mess up by excluding Leanne?

Wednesdays, at 9pm EST, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of BRAVO