Saturn VUE Presents Project Runway: A Saturn Hybrid Production

On this week’s Runway, we’ve got the most obvious product placement to date, a bitter party of two (Keith and his bruised ego), more séances with Suede, Laura “Bad Mommy” Bennett, a double model elimination fake out, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Whoa, what happened?  Did I pass out from boredom?  You bet your sweet chiffon I did.  This episode was a snoozer and, if not for the best costumes of the season and a mild skirmish during the reviews, I’d stop my commentary here.  But, like Nina at Elle magazine, I will survive.

We start with two blabbering comments: Kenley about Daniel’s departure because he was “like [her] best friend here” (“like” being the key word) and Keith “overwhelmed” about “being on the bottom.”  (Farewell or win setup?  Vote at bravotv.com!)  At Parsons, Heidi sends the designers on a 100-block walk and a spooky ride on a parking garage elevator to the roof of a building now doubling as a Saturn showroom.  Chris Webb, lead color designer for Saturn (what the hell is that?), explains that 85% of Saturn vehicles, “by weight, are recyclable in today’s environment,” as opposed to the future environment of Wall-E.  He tells the designers they must create an outfit out of recyclable Saturn parts that they can haul out of these vehicles.  For a moment, I wanted to see blowtorches or at least Blayne trying to work a tan off one, but Chris provided all the parts in scrap form inside the vehicles.  And, in the first moment of clarity yet, Tim says they all sucked in the first challenge, so he expects more now.  He asks Chris to “do the honors,” at which point Chris smacks Tim on the ass to start the quasi-dumpster diving.  I’m not joking.

Back at Parsons, Keith wants “to please those f—ing judges,” and Stella has a moment of self-realization in thinking that she shouldn’t do a leather outfit for a change.  So clearly there’s a full moon out when they filmed this, because then Suede’s talking only in the first person for more than one sentence.  But then the moon goes behind a cloud and “Suede has cuts . . . [and is a] bleeder” before talking about his father dying and how they rode in a car once.  Meanwhile, Kenley’s happily drawing a cool zebra print, Blayne’s quoting Star Wars (again), and Keith’s pissing around the work studio about his design.  To add something interesting to the episode, Kenley’s model drops out and she gets one of the just-booted models, which Kenley doesn’t like because the new model is “flat and boxy.”  I guess she’s going to be “like [her new] best friend here” now that Daniel’s gone.

Tim’s review is uneventful, except for his fairy godmother-ish warning that Keith needs to believe in himself.  (Paging Lena Horne.)  That night, we see Stella talk to her boyfriend, Ratbones, on her T-Mobile Sidekick^TM.  We see a picture of Mr. Bones, and Stella talks about exposing herself and spreading her wings (or words to that effect).  And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have candidate number two for this week’s departure and confirmation that even the editors are phoning this one in.

The next morning at Parsons, Tim channels Jerri Blank (or Paula Abdul) and warns the designers to “work like there’s no tomorrow, because for one of you there won’t be.”  Keith and his model go back and forth about how she can’t sit down because the skirt will tear, i.e., Keith didn’t design the skirt properly and is projecting on the innocent model.  Of course the model has to sit down in Hair and Makeup and the skirt rips.  Keith “kicks it into high gear, Saturn VUE style,” attempts to fix the skirt, and hopes he gets a residual check from Saturn, because he’s clearly not winning this competition.

To the runway, where Laura Bennett (Season 3) is substituting for Nina Garcia this week and future Bravo show star Rachel Zoe is our guest judge (who is she?!?).  Kenley, Terri, Joe, and Suede all advance without comment, which is sad because Suede’s outfit looks like the car from Christine back from the dead, but as a cheerleader, and no, that’s not a good thing.

The judges think Jerell’s outfit is “amazing” (Zoe), “over the top, [and] appropriate” (Kors).  I thought it was a better entry into the Aunt Entity Look-Alike Contest than Kelli’s in Episode 3.  They also like Blayne’s outfit, even though the chest area is horribly unfitted and the bottom looks like a car wash.  Heidi, being Heidi, has to add that the broken mirror on the front of the outfit means “seven years of no sex.”  Boy those Germans are strict.  Korto designed an awesome coat out of woven seat belts, which is “elegant” because she “edited [her] process well” (Kors).  The judges give their final accolades to Leanne’s dress, which looks weird the first time you see it, but is very innovative and well-made.

Over in Sally Sadpants Land, we have Stella and Keith.  Stella’s outfit was a stretch for her and it shows, with a “vest [that] looks more like your gig, [and] the skirt is you trying to be ladylike” (Kors).  Keith, not heeding RuPaul’s advice from last week, starts making excuses for why his outfit is a disaster.  It ends with Kors saying he had “no concept, no idea,” and Keith retorting, “You should see my other stuff.”  At this point Laura says, “excuse me?!?” in the way only she can, but not in as bitchy a way that Nina would have had she been there.  (Recall Season 2′s “you’re going to give it to us, I’m going to give it to you back.”)  But since Nina’s not there to snap Keith’s attitude (and neck) in half, Keith blabs on about his hard work in the last challenge only to have it called “a dowdy chicken.”  (Note: Kors called it a “sad chicken . . . a molting, grey chicken.”)  “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” he continues.  Clearly he’s never seen the show, as it’s one and the same with these ladies.  And now Kors, who’s clearly fed up with it all, tells Keith to grow a pair, learn to deal with criticism, and move on from it.  Amen, Michael.

Before we reveal the results, we learn that a majority of viewers would rather “hop in the backseat” with all of the designers instead of a one-on-one with Blayne or Kenley.  If only they’d had a “D.  Join a convent” option.  I would have voted for that . . . gender reassignment and all.

Anyway, Jerell is safe and Leanne wins over Korto’s “very good work.”  Blayne is also in.  So, as predicted, it’s down to Stella and Keith and I doze off for the protracted announcement.  After I come to, I see Keith crying about “going home for presenting something that wasn’t [him].”  Um, really?  Then he blames Utah for holding him back or something and it just fades out with him bawling.  Thankfully, he can use the “molting chicken” to wipe his eyes, since Parsons hasn’t restocked on tissues since Ricky (Season 4) left. 

Yeah, yeah, that was harsh, but you know you love me . . . X-O-X-O.

Next week: Help me Diane Von Furstenberg, you’re this season’s only hope!

Wednesday, at 9pm EST, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of BRAVO