The Big Losers of The Office Return

Summer may have come and gone for the rest of us, but in Scranton, Pennsylvania, at a little paper company called Dunder Mifflin, it’s still June, and the paper-pushers are immersed in a company-wide weight loss program to see which office can be the biggest losers by the time autumn falls.

Well, if you are a fan of The Office – and if you’re not, I’m not sure we can be friends – you already know that the biggest losers on television (I mean that in the best of ways) call the Scranton branch home.  So there was little doubt in my mind that Michael, Dwight, Jim, Pam, and the rest of the gang would find ways to win and lose big.

Week one brings us the loss of Pam.  Heading off to New York to pursue her digital designing dreams, she takes off with a kiss from Jim, an uncomfortable almost-poem from Michael, and a ring-less finger.  During the first weigh-in, we discover that Holly still thinks that Kevin is “special” and that Michael can’t stop commenting on Holly’s butt.  And while Angela still has a fiancé she “very much likes,” she and Dwight are consistently bumping uglies in the warehouse.

Week two arrives and the office has lost a whopping 31 pounds.  Jim also notes that Michael and Holly are hitting it off because Holly’s “kind of a dork.”  They prove the point by rapping together.  Wika Wika What?!

Week three we meet a new temp for Pam, Ronnie, whom Jim assumes he’ll eventually fall in love with.  In order to lose weight, Kelly has begun a “cleanse diet” which requires her to drink something truly disgusting in the place of all three meals.  Preggo-Jan shows up to have Michael rub her feet, and Holly agrees to go on a date with Oscar’s yoga instructor.  Pam pays the office a visit via Jim’s computer before being hijacked by Michael.  And Holly finally figures out, in a deliciously uncomfortable scene, that Kevin isn’t actually mentally-challenged, and after another warehouse tryst with Dwight, Angela tells us how she sleeps at night.

Week four we find out that the group has only lost one pound, despite Kelly spending two days on an IV after passing out.  To make up for it, Jim volunteers to lose 65 pounds (which would put him around Pam’s weight), and Michael makes them get fruit instead of the cake Phyllis wanted for Stanley’s birthday.  Oh and yes, Phyllis is in charge of the party-planning committee since she discovered Dwight and Angela during last season’s finale.  (I’m frankly surprised she isn’t using that blackmail for more than that.)  Angela also softens to Andy after he says he’d marry her in a hurricane inside of a monsoon (or something), which leaves Dwight alone and shirtless (gross) in the warehouse.  And finally, Jim takes off to visit Pam, Michael gives him a condom for the trip (it’s as sketchy as it sounds), and Jim tricks the cameras out of Pam’s dorm room for a bit of PB & J loving (anyone else insanely jealous?).

Week five arrives and no one’s losing weight.  So Kelly swallows a tapeworm from Creed; Creed informs us it wasn’t a tapeworm.  (God, so what is it?)  In super news, Ryan makes his illustrious (not so much) return as a temp to replace Ronnie.  He’s keeping a list of those who have wronged him (Kevin and Jim so far), and he tries to get back with Kelly.  Kelly blows him off, and I’ve really never been prouder of her.  And then she proceeds to make out with Darryl in front of him and thus my admiration dissipates.  Since they’re not losing weight, Dwight tries to get Phyllis, Stanley, and Kevin to get liposuction and then resorts to tricking Phyllis into driving out of town with him, where he then leaves her to walk the five miles back alone.  She responds by calling David Wallace at corporate.

Meanwhile, Michael finds out that Holly’s date with yoga man went well and blames Jim for forcing him to be friends with her first.  And Jim continues to miss Pam, who is making friends at school, including an ominous friendship with Rich Sommer of Mad Men.  Now look here Rich, I love your character over on Madison Ave, but it’s time to go back to AMC – nobody messes with Jam!

Week six feels the consequences of Phyllis’ long walk home when Holly and Michael treat the office to a healthy body images celebration.  Michael decides to show up as “Michael Klump,” in other words, himself in his sumo suit.  Dwight is forced to apologize to Phyllis for “creating a ruse which forced [her] to exercise.”  Then Michael makes Kelly stand on a chair and tells everyone to say what they like about her.  In his one redeeming moment, Ryan shouts out that he thinks she’s perfect, and creeper Creed says she’s got “a hell of an ass.”  Kelly’s self-esteem has never been so high, and she quits her crazy dieting.  Meanwhile, in New York, Pam is enjoying herself with her new friends, including Rich, and Jim is definitely lonely.

Week seven sweeps in with the rain, and the group realizes that if they lose eight pounds in one day they can beat the Ithaca branch and win five vacation days.  So Andy turns up the heat and a few of them put on plastic bags (because this wasn’t ridiculous enough).  Holly reveals that yoga guy hasn’t called her, and she has Counting Crows tickets for that night.  Michael is sure he’ll call.

At his desk, a miserable Jim begs Pam to meet him for lunch – they’ll meet half way – and she sends him her summer project, a picture of Dwight (available for download at nbc.com), which cheers him up.  Andy lets slip that he booked his a cappella group, the fabulously-named Here Comes Treble, for the wedding and when Angela says no, he says it’s a “deal-breaker.”  Who knew Andy had a spine?  Angela apparently doesn’t like this, and booty-pages Dwight.  Meanwhile, yoga guy never calls Holly, so Michael offers to buy the tickets.  Holly is thrilled until Michael rips them up so that she doesn’t have to think about it anymore.  Apparently, that wasn’t what Holly had in mind – well done Michael.

And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the moment that will be in You Tube Jam videos from now to eternity: the big moment.  Jim arrives at the gas station to meet Pam, and just when I think they’re going to sully my high opinion of Jim and Pam by getting down and dirty in a gas station bathroom, Jim does the unexpected.  He drops to one knee, they both start grinning like happy idiots, I hold my breath, and Jim tells her he can’t wait.  (I think we’ve all waited long enough for the following words!)  He asks her to marry him, she says yes, and they make out in the rain.  And my expectations for romance in the future have just been elevated to an all-time high (seriously boys, I hope you’re taking notes).

Jim returns for the final weigh-in and the office has not lost enough weight to win.  So I guess they’re not the biggest losers after all.  Except …

Week eight the camera crews discover Toby in Costa Rica.  He broke his neck on his third day there and still hasn’t seen the beach.  Damn.  What a loser.

Tune in next week to see what happens when The Office learns business ethics (Thanks Ryan!).

Season 5, Episode 1: “Weight Loss” (originally aired September 25, 2008)

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC