Vampire Dos and Don’ts

We return to this week’s True Blood episode, “The First Taste,” to find Sookie (Anna Paquin) getting the crap beaten out of her by the enraged Rattrays.  A bloody mess, she is barely able to stay conscious once Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) comes to her rescue this time.  He speedily uses his powers to put the Rattrays out of commission and rushes to Sookie’s side.  In what can only be described as a strange mating scene reminiscent of something out of Animal Planet, Bill, realizing Sookie has lost a lot of blood, carries her off into the woods, forces her to suck blood from his wrist, and cleans her up by licking the blood off her wounds.  What is even more disturbing to watch is the strange, rhythmic way in which Sookie very enthusiastically sucks Bill’s wrist.  I almost felt like I needed to cover my eyes and not because I was watching something scary!

Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten) also breathed a little easier when the sex tape collected from the Maudette Pickens murder case reveals that Maudette was only pretending Jason had strangled her during sex, but was actually alive when Jason left her place.  While he still remains a suspect in the case, the police do not have enough evidence to charge him.  They release Jason, who, like an old dog, runs off to perform his favorite trick with Merlotte’s waitress, Dawn Green.  After a graphic night of panting and moaning, Jason turns in bed to find Dawn also has two vampire bites near her chest.

Sookie, realizing Bill’s blood has helped her to instantly recover from her injuries, asks Bill the favor of speaking with her grandmother’s Civil War group.  He agrees to do the favor, and like the Civil War gentleman that he is, asks when to “call on her.”  Sookie soon discovers her senses have become extraordinarily keen after drinking Bill’s blood.  The episode takes a departure from its usual violent and sweaty sex scenes to the more genteel side of old-fashioned, Southern courtship when Bill arrives at Sookie’s grandmother’s house.

The following are a few important reminders about dating a vampire that Sookie, Bill, and friends demonstrate in the next few scenes:  When your vampire beau does “come calling,” be sure to formally invite him inside.  Otherwise, he will not be able to enter your home.  No worries, however; if you have a falling out with him, you may also revoke the invitation at any time.  Be sure not to expose him to any silver, such as in the last episode, because this could cause him to cook to a crispy well done.  Do, however, wear a tiny sundress that shows off all your assets, including your lovely untouched neck.

It is best not to have too many additional guests, such as an over-protective, sex addict of a brother or the nosey, childhood family friend.  They may not approve of you dating a vampire.  If your guests become a little too rowdy, such as when Jason tells Bill that Americans don’t want “their kind” around and there shouldn’t be a vampire in the house, make sure you have the support of a strong family member like Sookie’s grandmother around to keep the rowdy guest in check.  Also, don’t let the vampire bring up the fact that his grandfather had slaves in front of your African American friend, even if he was around during the Civil War.

If the visit takes a turn for the worse and your vampire guest can’t help but feel the icy stares of those closest to you, do agree to go on a walk.  If he tries to “glamour,” or hypnotize you, do laugh mercilessly when his attempt fails because you are telepathic and immune to some of his powers.  This will only make him more intrigued.  Don’t laugh when he tells you he can smell the sunlight on your skin, or when he finally reaches over to give you the sweetest kiss you’ve ever had.  Do let him cool off and walk away when he feels his fangs jutting out with full force, craving your fresh, virginal blood after he’s just kissed you on the neck.

If your first visit was successful, and you find your gentleman caller is suspected of murdering the trailer trash couple that kicked your ass the night before, don’t assume it was him.  After all, they really may have died from a freak tornado that only hit their property, and they probably deserved it anyway.  Do be sure to take plenty of silver, holy water, a cross, a wooden stake, garlic, and any other vampire repellants with you when you go to visit your friend at his creepy, old mansion.  As Sookie discovers, you never know what kind of friends may be lurking behind the door.

True Blood (Season 1, Episode 2, The First Taste)

Photograph courtesy of IMDbPro