America’s Next Top Model: Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles

This week: America’s Next Top Model meets The Amazing Race!  And you thought real magic couldn’t happen on television.  Well, it can, for the five minutes of airtime the Next Amazing Top Model Race uses up.

But first!  Foreshadowing interviews: Elina dislikes her place in the bottom two, and McKey finally decides that coasting safely through isn’t for her.  Number one photo will be hers, she claims!  Sheena’s learning to be more model-esque, as opposed to sexy.  I mean, if you think so, Sheena.

And so, in a sequence not nearly as exciting as anything in an actual Amazing Race, the girls arrive in Amsterdam!  They meet Daphne Deckers, host of Holland’s Next Top Model.  She sends the paired off girls on a hunt to find the new house.  The first team to arrive receives an extra 50 frames for the next shoot.

Off they go, and it’s literally The Amazing Race interspersed with the typical, ridiculous ANTM interviews.  Copyright lawyers from CBS call Tyra.  Meanwhile, Sam’s competitive spirit whips Elina’s lazy ass whining into shape, and they reach the house first.  Pardon me for not recapping.  Not even Marjorie’s forgetting that she can’t use dollars in a country that takes Euros, even though she’s all European, all the time, is very entertaining.  All they have to do is make phone calls and hop in cabs, no one has to stomp and juice kiwis or anything.

Settling in, Sam wonders if she and Elina have formed an Amazing Truce because of their win.  Later, Sam, Sheena and McKey try to sleep after their eleven hour flight and race through the city.  But there’s a “lesbian bath moment” and “vajayjay shaving party” happening in the bathroom keeping them awake.

The next morning, the girls meet Miss J in the Red Light District, where today, brothels become fashion runways.  The girls pair off once more to model designs in brothel windows, according to the theme and direction of the designers.  Elina does well, but partner Analeigh’s dress catches in the decorations, and she’s generally awkward.  Sheena’s still too pretty and sexilicious, to her dismay, but Marjorie contorts her body all couture-like and impresses the judges.  Finally, Sam and McKey work as a team and best portray the designer’s theme.  They win, and will return to Amsterdam for Fashion Week.

Later, the Amazing Truce dies as Sam and Elina argue about why legal prostitution should or should not be respected.  Let’s gloss over this week’s argument, because these two can’t even argue clearly.  Sam interviews that she hopes Elina will be up for elimination.

The photo shoot.  Mr. Jay greets the girls dockside and rambles on about Amsterdam sailing history.  The point being they’re going sailing for the shoot, while dressed in mid-century pirate gear with a modern twist.  They all look pretty cool in their outfits.

McKey rocks her shoot, leaving Jay “excited.”  He calls Sam “the girl that you love, but the girl you don’t necessarily love to shoot.”  Sheena’s energy suffers, and Jay remarks that Sheena always finds the most lewd poses.  She says that’s the kind of modeling she knows, but she’s learning.  Well, straddling wood (literally) isn’t the best way to make your point, Sheena.  Elina focuses so intensely she ignores Jay.

Below decks, we learn that McKey hates Elina, and thinks she’s ugly from the inside out.  Oh, snap!

Analeigh “finally brought the skater to set” and excites both the photographer and Jay.  Oh, is she going to just win this whole thing?  Marjorie takes Jay’s constructive criticism and doesn’t internalize it, as she did last week with her tears.  Oh brother.  What’s it take to get this girl sent home?

Sheena interviews that she doesn’t think she’s the weakest and that she’s growing.  That’s just great.  Sheena’s going home.  You see?  I didn’t specifically name her as my next pick after Joslyn, but Tyra knew and now Sheena’s going home, too.  Maybe if I pick Marjorie to win this, Tyra will finally hear my prayers and send her Hunchbackness packing.

Judging.  Guest Judge is Daphne Deckers.  OMG, Gossip Girl, is McKey wearing chainmail?  Tyra’s hair is scrunched up instead of the sleek look she’s worn all season.  Paulina and Miss J are both wearing too much make up.  What’s going on here in Amsterdam?

Daphne thinks Elina’s photo is strong but too scary.  Tyra comments on Elina’s stiffness and ignoring Jay.  Sheena’s photo has a pretty face and pretty clothes, but that’s it.  Everyone loves Analeigh’s photo, and also, inexplicably, McKey’s ugly chainmail.  Nigel likes “a little bit of freak.”  Instantly, I email Nigel my contact information.  They also love McKey’s high fashion photo.  And while they also love Marjorie (per usual), Daphne points out that Marjorie looks like she’d rather not be here.  Well, I’d rather she not be here, either.  Marjorie assures us this is not the case.  Whatever.  Tyra tries to perform a makeover on Sam’s summer job interview look, and fails.  Miss J actually removes his jeans for Sam to wear, but he’s either commando or in Speedos, and Tyra insists he keep his jeans.  Best part of the episode?  I think so.  They love Sam’s picture.

Deliberation.  Everyone’s awesome except Sheena and Elina.  Called first: McKey!  She called it from the beginning.  Bottom two: Sheena and Elina.  Elina takes a pretty picture but is not a model in person.  Oh, and over-controlled, obviously.  Sheena has twice the personality but less interesting photos.  And Elina is saved.  Looks like personality doesn’t always win out.  Damn you, Tyra!  You took away my second pick to win!  I don’t know and I don’t care who wins now.  As long as it’s not Marjorie.  And now it will be.  Sheena’s a much better sport about it than I am.

So now it’s all a bunch of white girls in the Top 5.  Next time, Tyra plays photographer, and go-sees!

Season 11, Episode 10: Planes, Trains, and Slow Automobiles (originally aired October 29, 2008)

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Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW