America’s Next Top Model: Now You See Me, Now You Don’t

Oh, the highs and lows, people.  The highs and lows!  This week, the highs come in the form of xenophobic bitch slaps, and the lows … well, we’ll get to that.  Let’s just say it’s a good thing I’m not betting appletinis with anyone about the outcome of this show.

First!  Post-elimination, the girls ride home in the bus, and split into factions.  Elina and Marjorie are now best friends, bonding over their European-ness.  Elina can’t stand that the judges keep telling her she needs to open up.  I’m all for Elina shutting up, but I’ve disagreed with the judges before.  She thinks she’s struggling because she’s from Europe.  She says, “unless you’re from Europe or European, you will not understand, you just won’t.  No way, no how.”  Marjorie says it’s hard to be understood here.  Joslyn and I both roll our eyes.  Because it’s not like any of us haven’t met American people who are emotionally and socially stunted like these two Europeans.  Heck, let me introduce you to some of my friends.  Or me.

Samantha and Sheena politely (in their way) question these foreign attitudes and whether or not Marjorie and Elina are happy in the States.  Elina can’t believe what she’s hearing, and Marjorie, who’s sudden best friending of Elina is about as artificial as Elina’s weave, gets offended as well, and is all “look, we had to adapt.”  Marjorie interviews that the girls don’t care to understand her and Elina.  Let’s be fair.  Sam and Sheena probably shouldn’t be team spokeswomen, but their approach is very non-aggressive, almost as though they are trying to understand.  I think people are just reacting to the condescension in Elina and Marjorie’s “You can’t understand us.”  Nevertheless, the immigration battle lines have been drawn.

Back at the house, the Immigration Nation (Analeigh, Elina and Marjorie) sit and bitch about the Americans, with this week’s hyperbole courtesy of Elina: “Sheena said, ‘so do you like living in America?’… She might as well have just said, ‘Why don’t you go back to your country?’ “  Which is kind of not the direction Sheena was going in at all.  Sheena interviews that her mother is an immigrant.  Sheena embraces her culture, and can still “maintain being an American.”  She says Marjorie and Elina need to stop victimizing themselves, and that’s about the smartest thing anyone has said on this show.

Joslyn’s afraid she’s breaking down in the overall competition.  Uh oh.  I fear that editing is setting Joslyn up for elimination.  I don’t like where this is headed.

The girls meet the Aswirl Twins, and learn how to work a garment.  Look, if you’ve ever played with an accessory in front of a mirror, you can guess how this goes.  For the challenge, the girls will model Petro Zillia clothes while being invisible: they will wear green suits under the clothes and appear on a screen where they will be invisible.  Also there to judge will be Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine.  She tells them the winner will be in a holiday fashion and accessories story in the December/January issue of the magazine.  Couldn’t you just die?!  The only one who does well is Elina.  She wins the challenge and chooses her new BFFs Marjorie and Analeigh to join her.

That night, a battle!  Sheena calls Elina and Marjorie out on their attitude, saying that everyone has baggage, but you need to address it and stop blaming it all on one element of your life.  Elina says that her performance is being criticized because of who she is.  Apparently, Elina doesn’t believe in holidays, so she’s a “hypocrite” (per Sheena, as interpreted by Marjorie) for doing the shoot in Seventeen.  The argument goes nowhere.  Best buds Elina and Marjorie interview together, and Marjorie says that the girls are just jealous of Elina’s win.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever disliked a contestant more than I do Marjorie.  Although it’s a tough call, between her and Jade.

So do I need to break this down for anyone?  Elina and Marjorie have a point, because while they may have been raised in the States, the values and issues of immigrant parents naturally rub off on their children.  However, as Sheena points out, if you find you’re suffering socially or not able to perform your job (in this instance, modeling = a job), then maybe you need to examine the root of your problems and find a way to adapt, i.e., find a way to become a part of the social landscape and/or get the job done.

ANYWAY.  I feel drained by that drama.  So does Joslyn, who wakes up the next morning miserably ill.  The girls arrive at a house in Bel-Air and meet Mr. Jay and Whitney.  It’s Cover Girl commercial time!  A teleprompter will help the girls with their lines.

Samantha brings natural energy to her commercial.  Jay tells Elina she’s too controlled, and she’s disgusted.  She’s very stiff, but you know, she’s European.  Jay says McKey’s “just a little clueless.  And clueless does not make a Cover Girl.”  Analeigh rocks yet again.  Meanwhile, in hair and make up, Joslyn vomits in a garbage can.  Lovely.

Marjorie rushes nervously through her commercial and starts crying when critiqued.  Well, she’s European.  Is that getting old yet?  Jay says he feels like he needs to coddle her to get her through each shoot.  Then send her ass home, Jay!  Sheena also rocks her commercial.  Joslyn looks good, but overacts her way through five takes.

Marjorie worries about being sent home, but I’m not that lucky, so shut up, Marjorie.

Judging.  Guest Judge is the commercial director, Frank Ockenfels.  Tyra has the girls runway walk in clogs, and tells them it’s important to learn how to walk in different kinds of shoes, and especially in clogs, because this year, they’re going to Amsterdam!  Screaming and a parade of windmills follow.  But first, someone must go home, so on to the critiques.  Samantha isn’t awful.  Ms. J says Marjorie moved her head like a chicken, and the judges agree she rushed.  Tyra calls Analeigh’s the best Cover Girl commercial in Top Model history.  Because this show is so epic.  Tyra calls Joslyn’s performance fake, in the nicest way possible.  The director calls Elina “a closed fist,” and Tyra emphasizes that repetitive criticism.  Paulina likes Sheena’s realistic onscreen personality.  Tyra says McKey “is not good.”

Deliberation.  Top marks for Samantha, Analeigh, Sheena and her “inky-slink.”  Bottom: Marjorie, Joslyn, Elina, McKey.  Called first: Analeigh!  Bottom two: Joslyn and Elina.  The American faction mumble their hopes that Joslyn wins.  Joslyn took strong pictures, then faltered.  Elina’s strong photos aren’t translating onscreen.  Tyra says they are both strong women, but Joslyn’s a survivor, so she’ll survive this.  And by “this,” Tyra means Joslyn’s going home in an awesome fake out, but what the hell, Tyra??  Joslyn was my number one pick!  Tyra hopes Joslyn’s leaving with more self-esteem than she came in with, and I don’t remember Joslyn ever having self-esteem issues.  Joslyn agrees that she shouldn’t be leaving.  Seriously, Tyra.

Honestly, who else is there to root for?  I don’t dare say my new top pick out loud or Tyra will put her up for elimination.

Next time: Amsterdam and the Red Light District!

Season 11, Episode 9: Now You See Me, Now You Don’t (originally aired October 22, 2008)

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Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW