Dancing with the Stars: Booty Takes a Back Seat

This week on Dancing, the “stars” took on the romantic passion of the rumba and the dominating force of the paso doble.  With only three days to prep the difficult dances, some couples sizzled and some just fizzled.  But despite the performances, this week will be remembered as the week Kim Kardashian took her booty and hit the road – restoring my faith in the American voters.  Thanks, Kim!

But not everyone was a failure on Monday night…

First up were Toni Braxton and her partner Alec performing a rumba.  After an excruciating display of her partner’s vocal skills (or lack thereof), Toni proved she’s a double threat.  Her rumba was silky smooth – despite some lift troubles pointed out by Judge Carrie Ann and noticed by absolutely no one else.  They scored a highly respectable 23.

Next were leaders Brooke Burke and her partner Derek who danced a paso doble.  Brooke stepped and stomped sharply and dominated the dance floor, but it lacked the bravado of last week’s performances.  Still, the judges loved her, and she scored a 24.

Rocco DiSpirito and his partner Karina followed and struggled with the rumba.  Rocco did a lot of nothing, pretending to sprinkle confetti on a tray (what was that?) as Karina swayed around trying to make it look otherwise.  No one was fooled and Judge Bruno harshly said, “the stallion has run out of juice.”  I’m not sure when he had it.  They were sent off with sad 16.

Lance Bass and Lacey hit the floor next with a fun and very flirty rendition of the paso doble set to Katy Perry‘s “I Kissed a Girl” – at the end of which Lance really did kiss the girl.  It was bubbly and fun – even though the judges thought there wasn’t enough paso doble in it.  (For the record, Lance called the traditional dance steps the “fuddy-duddy part” which clearly shows that he read my article last week).  It’s also becoming clear, that these two aren’t dancing for the judges, they’re dancing for the people watching at home – who couldn’t tell you the difference between a paso doble and a Viennese Waltz.  And hey, I loved it.  (Even if the judges only gave them a 20.)

Kim Kardashian and her derriere were up next with partner Marc Ballas, and boy, for a sexy girl, she sure knows how to be downright dull.  Her performance in their rumba was blah to say the least and the judges agreed.  Bruno – always one with the words – called it “colder and more distant than Siberia.”  And I giggled with evil contentment.  She scored a forgettable 17.

Misty May-Treanor apparently had a tough week with her strict (and so sexy), Russian partner Maksim, but it seemed to pay off as they delivered a fierce paso doble with a flip over the back that got huge applause.  Basically, she killed it, and stomped off with 21.

Maurice Green and partner Cheryl tried a rumba next, but Maurice hardly seemed to be working at all.  He certainly wasn’t shaking his hips like the belly dancers Cheryl took him to see.  For taking it easy, the judges gave him 19.

Cloris Leachman and partner Corky Ballas returned for an odd paso doble – on which most of the judges failed to comment except to say that she sure is funny.  Each judge rewarded her with a 5, for a total of 15, which seemed about right for a dance without much dancing.

Susan Lucci and Tony swayed across the floor with a sexy rumba in which Susan unbuttoned her partner’s (very nice) chest.  Apparently, even this wasn’t enough for Bruno, who wants Susan to attack her dances like a cougar.  I think they cut to a shot of Jane Seymour at that point (well done, cameramen, well done).  Susan received a 21.

Warren Sapp and partner Kym tackled the paso doble next, and were downright awesome.  Warren – who had trouble keeping a straight face – moved admirably for a guy his size, and the judges couldn’t help but praise they’re Matrix-y performance.  They received a 24 to tie Brooke on top.

Finishing off the night were Cody Linley and Julianne, who performed a sweet and sultry rumba – though Cody’s adolescence certainly showed through a bit.  But as Bruno pointed out, he was like “a kid in a candy store,” with his hands all over sexy Julianne.  The lucky boy received a 21.

So Monday was finished, and it was on to Tuesday’s results show.  Jessica Simpson showed up (as a singer, not a contestant – go figure).  Her sheath-like black dress was also doing nothing to dispel those pregnancy rumors.  Jenna Dewan of Step Up and a Pussycat Doll also showed up for a trippy, futuristic dance/light show.  (It was weird.)  And finally we got to the results.

It was down to Cloris and Corky or Kim and Mark.  Host Tom Bergeron made a big deal about Corky and Mark being father and son.  I didn’t care.  My money was on Cloris to go home.  I mean, there is no way Kim doesn’t have same crazy teenage girl fan-base out there somewhere getting her through this, right?  How else do you explain her “celebrity?”  Well, America, I was wrong to doubt you.  You did the right thing and voted her rump off.  Thank you.  (I was running out of booty jokes anyhow.)

That said, next week Cloris is toast.

Season 7, Round 2, Episodes 4 and 5 (originally aired September 29 and 30, 2008)

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC