Dancing with the Stars: Show Me Some Skin

This week on Dancing with the Stars, the celebrities and their partners tackled the samba and the tango, which meant just one thing: lots and lots of skin.  Nearly every pair was exposing something in the raunchiest – and best – episode yet.

First up to the dance floor (after yet another reminder of Misty May-Treanor’s accident from last week and Rocco’s place at the bottom of the pack) were Maurice Greene and Cheryl with a disco-inspired samba complete with afros and the night’s first bare-midriff.  The dance was lively and entertaining, but Maurice was just coasting through.  There was nothing very challenging, and he didn’t step it up.  The judges were less than impressed.  Maurice ended up with a 23 for a total score of 44 when combined with last week.  (Since there was no elimination last week, all the scores and votes were carried over to this week’s elimination.  In other words, Rocco was doomed.)

Cody Linley – dressed as a bellhop (I think) – and Julianne – with quite the plunging neckline – danced a quick, sharp tango next.  It wasn’t perfect but it was slick and ended with quite the provocative move for the 18-year-old “boy wonder.”  Cody ended with a total of 44 – which should have been higher considering how much better his dance was than the previous.

Toni Braxton – wearing a barely there orange, well, bikini really – and her partner Alec danced a samba next.  And while the judges seemed to like how she “shook it” and she did attempt some awkward samba rolls, the dance was not memorable.  She also finished with a 44 – do I sense a pattern?

The always memorable Cloris Leachman was up next with Corky, and this week Cloris was determined to do a technically correct tango.  As judge Len said, “if I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have believed it.”  The tango was by no means spectacular – and certainly nothing compared to what the other contestants were doing – but wow, for an old broad she can extend that leg pretty darn high.  Though, in classic Cloris style, she had to make it uncomfortable by raising her leg again during the judging (awkward!).  And then in a bizarre fashion, she spent the rest of the night wandering around the red room (sometimes into other people’s interviews) as though she were McCain at the town hall.  What was that about?  But she did receive her first score in the twenties and finished with a two-week total of 38.

Doomed Rocco DiSpirito and his partner Karina danced a samba next in which they stripped each other of their ruffles and Rocco struggled to stay anywhere near the beat.  The judges applauded his positive attitude and called him a “nice guy” (always beware of that), but Bruno was right, he hasn’t got a musical bone in his body.  But I would let that cutie cook me dinner any time, minus the pink ruffled shirt.  With a total of 38, he was at the bottom with Cloris.

Pocket-sized Susan Lucci was up next for a tango which was technically very strong, but Susan dear, if Cloris can extend her legs, you and your Pilates-practicing self should be able to as well.  The judges applauded her theatrics (which confused me because she’s pretty much frozen into one facial expression) but I was underwhelmed by her restricted movements.  She finished with a total of 45.

Superstar Brooke Burke was up next with her well-spirited partner Derek for a sexy, sexy samba that had Bruno asking for a smoke by its conclusion.  Len thought it was too raunchy – which makes me wonder if he knows he’s on television.  And I must say, Daaammmnnn!  If I look like that at 37 after four kids, I’m going to shake it half-naked on national television too.  My god woman!  She looked better than the dancers half her age – and I’m not just talking about her perfect tummy, I’m talking her moves too.  She kicked it for a total score of 54.

Lance Bass was up next with Lacey for a gothic-styled tango.  With purple streaks in their hair and a devilish look in their eye, they pulled off a tango that was appropriately stiff, quick, sharp, and damn interesting to watch.  You must give Lacey a hand for stepping out with some different choreography – and to Lance who inserted an old ‘N Sync move into the end.  Finally Lance stepped up the way I’ve been expecting him to and even Len agreed it was fabulous, dubbing him “Sir Dance-a-lot” – by which name he shall be called for the rest of the season.  Also, hosts Tom “Corny Jokes” Bergeron and Samantha “Check out my Guns” Harris have been so subtly reminding us that next week the stars will learn four never-performed dances: the hustle, the salsa, the jitterbug, and West Coast Swing.  If L&L score the swing, you better watch out – consider yourself warned.  The couple’s ghoulish tango landed them in a tie for first place with Brooke for the week and second overall with a total two-week score of 48.

Last but never least was Warren Sapp and Kym (in another barely there ensemble) for a samba.  Warren was a big, bear of a man with a happy smile, but like so many of the other dancers this week, it seemed like he was taking it easy.  The dance was simple and repetitive with Kym doing all the hard work.  Now if he had done a handstand like he did in his intro video, I would have been impressed.  The judges were equally unenthused – even his biggest fan Carrie Ann – and he finished the night with a total score of 47.

Tuesday night arrived and we were all pretty sure it was Rocco going home.  But first a recap… Good?  And we were all still pretty sure Rocco was going home.

Then Lance and Lacey danced their tango again because it was Len’s favorite.  And then it was time for the night’s first “political clip.”  Getting into the political swing of things, Dancing took a rather humorous crack at negative campaigning with each of the stars getting attacked by either a fellow star or, in Cloris’ case, the accounting department.  After all, these B-list stars need your votes too.

The interspersed ads were surprisingly funny – and even a bit clever – and all negative, because ‘tis the season.  My favorites of the night included an ad that declared that Warren Sapp is wearing a fat suit (paid for by Susan Lucci), an ad that declared that Lance Bass is probably crazy (Toni Braxton approves of that message), and an ad approved by the whole cast declaring that “Brooke is hot,” “Brooke is a good dancer,” and “Don’t you just hate her?”  I do, I do!

Also performing for the evening were: Ne-Yo with a rendition of his song “Closer,” a flamenco dance by seven, shirtless Spanish brothers called Los Vivancos (which I believe is Spanish for Rrrrrr!), and the ballroom kids returned.  For those of you unfamiliar, ballroom kids are when they have two under-13 couples dance like the little adorable professionals that they are and then after being oooed and awwwed at, the judges pick one of them to go on to the next round as the other couple faces bitter disappointment in front of an audience of millions.  (Precious, right?)  Tuesday’s pint-sized Latin dancers were Mitchell & Jessica and Kirill & Hannah, and despite how uncomfortable I was about a 10-year-old girl doing a shimmy, Kirill & Hannah were chosen to move on to compete in the final.

But who wouldn’t get to compete in the Dancing with the Stars grown-up final?  Drumroll.  It was Rocco.  I guess he’ll have to go back to skinning potatoes.

Season 7, Round 4, Episodes 8 and 9 (originally aired October 13 and 14, 2008)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC