Dancing with the Stars: The Lord of the Dance Says So Long, Cloris!

So long, Cloris!  This week dancing grandma (if you can call what she does dancing) Cloris Leachman got the boot.  Can you tell how heartbroken I am?  Oh goodie.

Also the judges table was a lot younger and more cheerful this week, with Len Goodman off (who knows where), and the sprightly Lord of the Dance himself, Michael Flatley, filling in his shoes.  The scores were a lot higher as result, and you better bet the stars will be locking Len out of the building when he returns next week.

The evening began with Maurice Green and Cheryl dancing a forgettable Viennese Waltz.  It was a giant yawn and even Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley said their timing could have been better.  Plus, Maurice shaved his mustache, and I do not like it. (Total: 21)

Lance Bass and Lacey got reamed on the scoreboard last week, so to pick him up, Lacey arranged a visit from former ‘N Sync-ers Joey “I was once a Star” Fatone and Chris “I totally forgot you existed” Kirkpatrick.  With a little advice from his boys, Lance was ready to rock it with a jive.  And FINALLY – this was the performance I expected last week.  Rockin’ it to “Tutti Frutti,” Lance bopped, slid, spun, and made goofy, goofy faces like a true jiving champ.  Everyone was impressed (including a smiling Anna Faris in the audience).  They were amply rewarded with 27 for the highest score of the night.

Susan Lucci and partner Tony were up next with a mambo.  The judges kept saying she was letting it all go, but all I was seeing was stiff, stiff, stiff.  Her movements were little and her musicality was way off.  Her steps were so forced it was like watching a preschool dance recital.  And only Judge Bruno called her on it – shame on you, Carrie Ann. (Total: 23)

Brooke Burke became the third person to suffer a foot injury this season after hurting herself doing last week’s jitterbug.  Brooke was told by her doctor to stay off the strained tendon for a week, but she and Derek went for their sexy rumba anyway.  And for all the musicality Susan lacked in the previous dance, Brooke made up for it in leaps and bounds.  She was slinky, sexy, and super flexible, but judges Bruno and Carrie Ann were right to declare that it wasn’t Brooke’s best.  It lacked a bit of fluidity here and there, and for someone who’s usually so flawless it was noticeable – except to Michael Flatley!  I half expected the lord of the dance to leap over the judges’ table and tap dance her away.  I think he was actually drooling, and he gave her a 10 (I don’t think it was for the dance). (Total: 26)

And from the best dancer we moved on to … Cloris.  This week Cloris Leachman tried to cha cha, and I tried not to watch.  It was all kinds of painful – just awful – though I do give Corky kudos for picking her up and spinning her.  I mean, he could have pulled her hip out or something.  Bruno pointed out that it wasn’t dancing.  Michael “Chandler Bing’s Greatest Fear” Flatley, said that his father told him he couldn’t say anything bad about her, and Carrie Ann bemoaned that Toni Braxton got kicked off so she could see this.  I’m with ya sister. (Total: 15)

Next up was Cody Linley and Julianne, who has been suffering endometriosis all week and will be getting her appendix out on Tuesday. (What’s with the injuries/illnesses this season?) But despite the illness, Julianne looked spectacular on the dance floor with Cody for their samba.  Cody was also great, and though his samba wasn’t as bouncy as it should have been – as Bruno pointed out, it was a bit more paso doble than samba – his performance had dramatic flair that seemed fitting.  Plus, he’s fun to watch.  I’d watch your back, Lance, Cody may be gaining on you. (Total: 23)

My favorite lovable football star (I just want to hug him!) Warren Sapp and his partner Kym performed a romantic rumba next.  But Warren wasn’t doing a whole lot of dancing.  I expected the judges to call Kym out as they did Lacey last week for not giving her partner enough to do, but instead they just praised Warren’s sensitivity.  Okay, fine, so he’s a teddy bear with a heart of gold, and I love watching him too, but next week, let’s see some more dancing. (Total: 25)

To close the evening, all of the dancers joined up together for a hip hop routine (thank god Len wasn’t there).  Best line of the night came from the hip hop rehearsals and went to Derek Hough when he looked at Brooke and said, “You were in high school in the 80s?”  Derek (born 1985) looked like his world had just been blown.

So on they danced, hipping and a hopping it to “It Takes Two.”  Some dancers shined and some felt flat in the group routine.  Cloris did very little dancing at all (shocking, right?).  Lance and Warren seemed the most comfortable with the hip hop and were hitting all the right beats.  Maurice had the groove but kept forgetting his steps, Cody opted for goofy rather than funky, and Brooke looked like she was just phoning it in.  But Susan Lucci, man, was she awful.  She was off the beat, never knew the steps, and kept looking at the people next to her.  Yikes.

The real stars of the routine, however, were professionals Derek Hough and Lacey Schwimmer.  They were hitting it hard, and for ballroom dancers those two can get down and dirty.  I couldn’t take my eyes off them.

And that takes us to Tuesday night’s results show, where we got to watch the hip hop routine again. (It still wasn’t very good – Derek and Lacey still were.) There were ballroom kids that did some Latin dancing (brother and sister team, Craig and Samantha, moved on), and Missy Elliot and the Pussycat Dolls performed.  Then Michael Flatley lit up the stage – literally, there were explosives and everything – to tumultuous applause.

Then to the moment of truth, the moment we’ve all been waiting for (I know I have), the expulsion of Cloris: Host Tom Bergeron announced that Susan and Cloris were in the bottom.  And which among them had the lowest total score?  Cloris and Corky (tada!).

Cloris responded by sitting down and pronouncing, “I’m not leaving.”

That was a joke, right?

Season 7, Round 6: Episodes 12 and 13 (originally aired October 27 and 28, 2008)

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