Project Runway: The Mouse That Snored

And so we come to the end of the fifth season of Project Runway and not a moment too soon.  Had this continued any longer I was going to bring a class action lawsuit against Bravo for trying to bore me to death.  This season was a bore: the challenges were recycled, the designers were lackluster, the drama was contrived, the designs stunk, and the win went to the designer who was the only finalist that didn’t screw up.  So it is with a sleepy heart that I give you the season finale.

After a “girl power” moment with Leanne, Tim announces that they will each present ten looks and it’s time for model casting.  Korto needs models with hair and something about “big Asian buns,” while Leanne designed for female aliens of the interplanetary kind.  Speaking of, Morgan “Morganza” Quinn (Season 1) is back.

Tim reviews the collections and we have another, more sedate, exchange between him and Kenley.  Tim is confused about the contrived use of rope but Kenley likes it.  They debate what the judges might think and she is exasperated by the judges continually pointing out that her works are knock-offs.  (Hello?!?)  Tim says it’s all on her.  Kenley freaks that Korto is going to make two new designs, but she also “doesn’t give a f— about what the judges think.”  Atta girl!  She’s so going home.

After Collier Strong spackles on the makeup in the L’Oreal Paris Makeup Room, Tia (of the old “Suede Loves Tia” show) enters the workroom with her little dog.  As Kenley is putting Tia in the outfit, the dog scampers about and poops on the floor.  Kenley, in keeping with her homage to sailors blabs, “You better keep that f—ing dog away.”  Classy.

Tim, like Daryl Van Horne before him, summons his coven and announces that the order will be Kenley, Korto, and then Leanne.  (No word on when the three losers also get to show.)  The ladies hug it out, and Kenley confesses that she snuck into the Runway tent last year and was unceremoniously tossed out.  Would that be the case this year?

At Bryant Park we see more stupidity with Kenley, a tree on her head, and how none of her assistants are allowed to touch her clothes.  I don’t care.  We see Michelle Trachtenberg give a phony kiss to last year’s winner, Christian Siriano.  And Leanne confesses that her top is limp.  Don’t you hate when that happens?

Showtime!  Heidi walks out and says, “My mom’s the sh-t” and intros judges Nina Garcia and Michael Kors.  She explains that Jennifer Lopez had a “foot injury” and now Tim is the last-minute replacement.  Kenley, swallowing her foot further down her throat, concedes that maybe she should have improved her attitude throughout the competition.  But rest assured, viewers, Tim tells us he will put his opinion of the designers on a “metaphorical shelf.”  Now, is that shelf on the Banana Republic Wall, the Macy’s Accessory Wall, or the Bluefly.com Wall?  I can’t keep up.

My faithful readers know my descriptions of the designs are nothing special, so in the spirit of interactivity, why don’t you view them here, here, and here.  Of note, I spotted Padma Lakshmi, which reminds me that Top Chef is back on the air next month.

The judges introduce this “year of the woman” (not quite!) and begin their review.  Kenley was full of charm and spirit (Kors).  Tim loved the concept and painting.  Nina thought it was a “wonderful spirit” but thought the dress of the flowers was too close to another designer’s work (not hip-hop).  Kors mini-lectures on the need to know what’s going on in the fashion world, and Kenley realizes now that she needs to pay attention to something besides herself.

Korto was not costumey (Kors) and looked “effortlessly cohesive” with “phenomenal color” that would “appeal to many women” (Nina).  But “some pieces were overworked with too many idears [sic]” (Heidi).  And then there’s Leanne, who took us full-circle to Kors’ focus on turning the corner with the right first look.  Nina appreciated the variety of pieces: shorts, skirts, pants, jackets, and a long dress.  Kors’ only funny comment of the night was calling Leanne “Petals Marshall, which sounds like a stripper not a designer.”  Leanne adds somewhere in there that she used sustainable materials.  Great, more of that BS.

And now the question we’ve all been waiting for, “Why should you win?”  The answer: Tears!  In private the judges repeat themselves and add how they were all good and this is a difficult decision.  We take a commercial break while the judges tally their score.

During the break, 50 percent of you thought Leanne should win.  Does that mean it’s close or that everyone else is already asleep?  32 percent of you said “yes.”

And Kenley, like a frivolous lawsuit, is summarily dismissed.  She’s sad because “[n]o one likes to be called a copycat when they know that they’re a true artist.”  Though I predicted her for the win, I qualified that pick so much as to render it meaningless.  They didn’t like her and she was used as a marketing tool.  That’s never a recipe for a win (recall Lisa on last season’s Top Chef).

Leanne wins.  Lovely, now I have to buy Campos another appletini.  Korto is out.  As you’ll recall, I’ve been a fan of Korto’s from the beginning but over the past few weeks she slumped off and I just didn’t see the judges giving her the win.  Disappointing really.

In the end, a boring season ends with a boring designer winner, with the least appealing designs in five seasons.  And we’re not even getting a reunion show, which is probably for the best because I don’t think I can tolerate another creepy smirk from Andy Cohen or a montage of Blaynelicious; Suede on Suede; Leathaface; or Kenley: The Designer Who Whined Up the Runway and Came Down with an Alexander McQueen Knock-off.  And with those horrors in mind as we approach Halloween, I just remembered I need to finish up my Wendy Pepper costume.  Tschuss, darlings!

Season 5, Episode 14: Finale Part II (originally aired October 15, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Rocking the Finale by Jaimie Campos.

For more on Project Runway, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of BRAVO