The Amazing Race: Bees Are Much Calmer Than All This!

And we’re off!

We begin at the Los Angeles Coliseum (the only place on earth that has hosted the Olympic Games…twice! says Phil).

Our Teams: mother/son combo Toni & Dallas, creepily close siblings Nick & Starr, Tina and her cheating husband Ken, Aja & Ty the long-distance dating black couple, blandly blonde friends Marisa & Brooke, Judd Apatow movie rejects Andrew & Dan, completely unmemorable couple Anthony and Stephanie, charming beekeepers Anita & Arthur, the divorced “strong women” Kelly & Christy, I-hate-them-already couple Terence and Sarah, and likeable comic book geeks Mark & Bill.

What, no gays this year?  Although the jury’s out on Nick.

Anyhoo, this first leg takes the teams to the airport to fly to Salvador, Brazil, where multiple teams make the first noticeable blunder by not getting in the airport line that has the team flag, despite these same teams saying something to the effect of “I’m worried that I don’t see a flag.”  Geniuses, all!  We learn through voice-over that Terence and Sarah consider themselves to be quite competitive, and that Tina is not quite over Ken’s indiscretion.  (I predict we’ll hear several exchanges over the next few weeks that go something like “Tina, can you run faster?”  “I could have if you didn’t cheat on me.”  “Tina, why don’t we do the ‘Eat this’ Road Block?”  “Well, I want to do ‘Build This’ and you cheated on me.”  Should be good times.)

Where was I?  Oh, we’re in Brazil.  Brazil is pretty and I want to go there.

The first clue takes them to a sandwich shop where they have to push a cart that looks like it’s carrying boxes of Willy Wonka-type candy, but don’t quote me on that.  On the way there, Tina notes that Ken was “supposed” to learn how to speak Spanish.  She does not expressly say that he was also “supposed” to love, honor, and cherish her till death do they part but it was totally in her tone.  Terence is whiney and passive-aggressive and I dislike him immediately.  He says things like “I love you, but if you could just. . . .”   This reminds me of my college boyfriend and no one should ever go on a race with my college boyfriend.  Sadly, Sarah and Terence are strangely competent, and they end up getting the next clue first, which is to a military base where the teams bunk outdoors in mosquito nets, one of which I hope has a big hole over Terence.  And I hope he gets bitten somewhere annoying, like at the place where the back of his shoe rubs against his ankle.

All the other teams arrive at the military base.  And I could tell you the order, but I really don’t care about order of teams yet.  At some point during the evening, the teams are mingling, getting to know one another.  The show hints at chemistry between Starr and Dallas, which is great for Dallas because she can just meet his mom right there and get that out of the way.  But bad for her friends, though, because they might one day have to say that they are having dinner with “Starr” and “Dallas.”  And then what I’ll just call The Moment Alana Realized She Really Hated Terence happened.  Terence says in an interview that plays over footage of Sarah talking to the hippie beekeepers, “As soon as we got here Sarah was talking to the other teams.  And here I am, I want you to hold me, I want you to connect with me.  But yet she was engaged with them.  And that was very frustrating for me.”

Seriously Terence?  That’s what you found so frustrating that you had to complain about it in an interview?  That your girlfriend was having a conversation with someone else?  And what is killer is that Sarah is looking at him during the interview with this pleading expression on her face, all please-don’t-say-that-because-it-makes-you-sound-stupid.  And I know they’re “newly” dating and all, but maybe it’s not too early to talk to that divorced team and just find out what the warning signs are.  That’s all I’m sayin’.  For now.

So some other stuff happens, with a roadblock that involves choosing climbing down a (very, very) high rope ladder or crawling up a large set of stairs to answer a question that if they get wrong they have to climb up the stairs again.  Only Andrew & Dan choose the crawling up the stairs option, which was kind of dumb of them.  Nonetheless, they come in seventh, beating Aja & Ty (black couple), Anthony & Stephanie (who?), and Marissa & Brooke (blonde & boring).  Siblings Nick & Starr come in first, and I will be forced to root for this entirely too-cute sibling pair if it comes down to them or Terence & Sarah.

The first ones out?  Anita & Arthur, hippie beekeepers.  I wish I could say that I was rooting for them, but I honestly don’t care.  I kinda feel bad about that, so if anyone knows where I can find some honey from their farm, let me know.

So that’s my review of this first episode.  There’s more to say I’m sure, but to be honest, there are entirely too many people right now for me to wrap my head around.  But early impressions?  Well, I don’t love anyone yet.  But I only truly dislike one person, so that’s good.

Season 13, Episode 1: “Bees Are Much Calmer Than All This!” (originally aired September 28, 2008)

For another take on this episode, see Why’d It Have To Be The Hippies? by Paul Secrest.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS