30 Rock: Good Job, Sex Doll

I know what you’re thinking, America: Two stalker episodes in a row.  However, if Steve Martin appears in a French maid costume with white pizza, I will be in love.  Because white pizza?  Delicious!

We open in the Connecticut home of Gavin Volure, a wealthy, eccentric agoraphobe with spermophobia, which isn’t what you think it is.  But wouldn’t that be funny?  Liz and Jack have been invited for dinner.  Among the guests, leaders in the world of fashion, society, art collecting and yelling (enter a hilarious John McEnroe: “Why isn’t there any good art in here?  Come on!”), business and historical fiction, or Jack (who knew?), and the Arts, or our own special Liz.  Eliot Spitzer’s hooker couldn’t make it.  Is that still funny? Gavin’s clearly crushing on Liz, hence her invite.  Of note, Liz lists the great cupcake locations in Manhattan, except for the one around the corner from me.  I’m worried, because she would know.

At 30 Rock, Tracy stays late to avoid his two sons, Tracy Jr. and George Foreman, who freak him out.  Who says parenting isn’t what it used to be?  Usually they ignore him, but now they trail his every move.  Tracy says he’s crazy rich now, from the video games, the tie-ins, and the Tracy Jordan sex doll (crazy popular in Japan, get yours today!), so Kenneth reminds us that money can tear a family apart.  Or can it?

In Connecticut, Gavin, aka Steve Martin, aka Lucky Day, shares a private business moment with Jack.  Gavin’s starting a new business venture, and Jack charms his way into the investment.  Liz says good night, and Gavin introduces his associate Carl, aka Lurch, who will express Gavin’s goodbye with a kiss on Liz’s hand.

Next day in the office, Hornberger searches for volunteers for the floor Emergency Marshal.  As in real life offices everywhere, no one volunteers.  Liz receives a call from Gavin, who invites her back out for Saturday, for a non-booty booty call.  Liz can’t find an excuse not to, so she awkwardly accepts, completely weirded out.

In his dressing room, Tracy watches television, until he lands on a documentary about the Menendez brothers.  Tracy-logic reaches the conclusion: “My kids are going to kill me!”

Jack finds Kenneth folding laundry.  Kenneth admits that he’s taken on additional work for extra money.  Jack knows they pay Kenneth a living wage because he fought against it.  He offers to invest Kenneth’s savings into Gavin’s new venture.  On his way to his office, Jack meets Liz, who tells him about Gavin’s invitation.  Jack can’t understand why she’d say no, so she explains her romantic philosophy: “Meeting someone new – ugh.  All the nodding and smiling, and the sibling listing.  And what’s the upside?  It works and you have to have a bunch of sex? … I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore…”  I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought that.  Except for the sex part, because, come on.  Who are we kidding?  Jack breaks it down: “If I were dating a man, he’d be at the top of my list, with Michael Jordan, Denzel Washington, and Taye Diggs.”  Me: Maybe, Yes, and YES!  He tells her to shut up and go.

Tracy arrives home that night, sneaking in.  Out from the shadows step two small figures in black hockey jerseys and Jason-like, bright white hockey masks.  Tracy screams and runs from the house.  His sons lift their facemasks, annoyed. “We made the hockey team!”

Gavin shows Liz around his home, Carl following behind.  Gavin explains, with his agoraphobia, that they could never leave the house.  So lots of sitting around, watching television, eating, reading celebrity gossip online, and napping.  Also, because of his germ-phobia, they could never be “intimate.”  Liz: Score!

When Jack calls his broker to check on his new investments, he’s informed the account was closed out and the balance is zero.  Kenneth is out his life savings of $4,000, and Gavin just made Jack’s list.  Watch it, Bowfinger!

Gavin escorts Liz to the front door after another date, then tricks Carl and locks him in another room.  Gavin quickly explains to Liz: he is neither eccentric nor an agoraphobe.  He’s been under house arrest the last three years.  Holy Martha Stewart, Batman!  He’s serving time for tax fraud and arson.  Carl’s a US Marshall.  Then Gavin races from the house, only to be tackled by Derek.

Back at the office, Liz finds Jack and reveals the truth about Gavin.  “And he’s not a germ-ophobe.  I thought I was helping him when I let him hold my boob while we watched Top Chef.”  Nice cross-promotion NBC & Bravo.  Let me try.  If you like Top Chef, click here.  Jack promises to “hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake.”  They encounter Tracy in the hallway.  Or is it? It’s actually a Tracy Jordan sex doll!  He bought it as a decoy to deal with his kids.  Liz calls it insanity.  Or is it? Sorry, is it only funny when they do that on TV?  Or do they? Sorry.

Jack meets with Gavin, and Gavin reveals the government owns the house, and the money is all gone.  Spent on disguises!  Gavin is only repentant about Liz, who he misses already.  He then uses Jack as a distraction to escape through the bathroom window.

Back at 30 Rock, Jack apologizes to Kenneth for losing his money, but Kenneth won’t accept Jack’s check to replace it.  Kenneth is an idiot.  Hornberger stops by to ask Kenneth to be the Floor Marshal, and when he enthusiastically accepts, Jack “reminds” Hornberger that the position comes with a one time signing bonus of $4,000.  For that, I’d be the Emergency Marshal, too.

That night, Tracy’s sex doll lies in his bed while Tracy hides in the closet.  Tracy Jr. rushes in.  He had the nightmare about his father making so much money that he leaves the family.  He cries over the sex doll, until Tracy bursts from the closet.  He promises his son that he will never leave.  And also, that if anything happens to him, he and his brother are going to jail.  And if that doesn’t warm your heart, you are an ice block.

The next morning, Tracy presents himself to Liz, as proof that he’s not dead.  Also, everything worked out with Jenna’s dad in town.  “What?” say Liz Lemon and I.  Hey, where is Jenna?

Gavin steps forward in his set painter disguise, startling Liz.  He was all the way to Canada, but came back for her.  He presents Paris Hilton’s Camp of Approval, released only in Canada, as evidence of his journey.  If only Paris Hilton herself were Canada-restricted.  He tries to convince Liz to run away with him.

But here comes Jack.  Jack says he’s already caused enough damage by taking advantage of Liz’s “Big Ben-sized biological clock.”  Gavin refuses to go to real prison, “not Gavin Volure.”  He climbs the scaffolding, causing Jack to exclaim, “Good God, Volure, that’s gotta be 15, 16 feet!”  Gavin threatens to jump, but the Floor Marshal arrives!  In slow motion!  He offers water and saltines to calm the crowd.  Tracy accepts the saltines, and takes a seat.  Jack stalls to keep Gavin from jumping, until suddenly, Gavin is tackled from behind.  It’s Tracy!  But wait, Gavin thought Tracy was down below.  Or was he?? No, it’s the Tracy Jordan sex doll below!

And that is why sex dolls can bring families together.  Don’t take my word for it.  NBC doesn’t make fake The More You Know ads.  Excuse me, I have some internet shopping to do.

Season 3, Episode 4: Gavin Volure (originally aired November 20, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out This is Voodoo, Ken! by Robin Reed.

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC