Amazing Race: Tips for an “Amazing” Relationship

India!!!

I love it when TAR goes to India, because India is the country where Racers typically fall apart.  So, as the episode began, I was hoping for some serious hijinks to occur while the teams were in Delhi, perhaps a disastrous cow encounter or a monkey attack.  At the very least, I was positive that Christy would do or say something worthy of this season’s Ugly American award.

But instead of desperate hijinks, I found that the spirit of true romance lies at the center of TAR’s heart.  There was a treasure trove of relationship advice in this episode, or, at least, a treasure trove of relationship advice for the kinds of people who go on reality shows.  So, to that end, I’ve summed up the five most useful tips below.

1) Leave your family at home.  Case in Point: Dallas is trying to get his mack daddy on with Starr, but it’s hard when his mom and her brother keep cock blockin’. The former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader appears receptive, and they even seem to have the support of the aforementioned mother and brother, but the 12 hours between legs leaves barely enough time to shower/sleep the race off, much less to “talk” (wink wink).

But according to the sound editors at least, some action is imminent.  Seriously, did anyone else notice the bom chica bom bom going on in the background every time the camera switched from Dallas to Starr?  (And speaking of Starr, I am contractually obligated via marriage license to note that she is apparently a fellow Horned Frog.).

2) Your partner’s needs come first.  Case in Point: At this week’s roadblock requiring a team member to paint a motor vehicle green, Terence specifically said to his girlfriend, Sarah, “I need you to do it quickly.”  Now, I’m pretty sure that Terence believes a good girlfriend always – always – responds to your needs.  And if not for his looming over her and correcting her every little movement and possible missed spot, I’m sure that this team would have completely fallen apart.  You know, more than it already has.  Given Terence’s deep respect for one’s personal needs, I can only hope that one day Sarah says to Terence “I need you to get away from me and never, ever call me again.”

3) When the bro in your bromance is wound up tight, just smile and nod your way through the difficult time.  Case in Point:  Dan doesn’t seem to get through a single leg without his mouth stretched to a paper-thin line and his shoulders leveling off somewhere up near his ears.  This week, “Dandrew” chose a detour option requiring them to iron clothing, which is apparently an activity pawned off to the mothers of frat boys.  Dan’s general impatience and temper got so bad, Mother Nature herself got pissed off and blew a big ole gust straight at his pile of laundry, sending clothing flying all around his table.  While Dan unleashed a tirade of negative nancies, Andrew just shrugged it off and kept ironing.

4) Should your relationship fail, don’t fret.  Apparently, that’s just fate’s way of telling you that you should instead find someone who matches every one of your annoying characteristics, and go on The Amazing Race with them.  Case in Point:  Christy noted at the beginning of this episode that there was no way she would be on the race with Kelly if she were still with her ex and that “things happen for a reason.”  So, if your marriage is falling apart, that’s just fate’s way of telling you that you need to be on reality tv!

5) Don’t actually make a decision about whether you want to be in your marriage.  By all means, leave it up to reality tv producers.  Case in Point: Ken and Tina’s marriage apparently sucks. But rather than make an actual decision to divorce (or stay together) they have decided that their success on the race will determine if they should actually stay married. In that light, the fact that they came in last on a non-elimination round seems like a rather cruel prank on the part of the show’s producers, like dangling a big ole divorce carrot in front of them, and then yanking it away at the last second.  Or maybe The Amazing Race just didn’t want to be responsible for the breakdown of family values.

Or maybe they do.  After all, there’s always that promised bom chica bom bom between Starr and Dallas, whose teams finished this leg at one and three, respectively.  And given the team two finishers were a couple of catty divorced women, I’m starting to suspect that TAR isn’t so much about sustainable relationships.

Ah well, at least I was entertained.

Season 13, Episode 6: Please Hold Me While I Singe My Skull (originally aired November 2, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out New Adventures in Old Delhi by Paul Secrest.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS