America’s Next Top Model: Good Times & Windmills

Did you watch 30 Rock last week?  You know that part where Tracy Jordan giggles like a white woman?  That was me when this episode finished.

A tame start this week, as Sam congratulates herself on last week’s win.  Marjorie interviews that she doesn’t know how to find the balance between nervous and calm, and complains some more to Analeigh about appearing weak and fragile.  God bless Analeigh, because even if Marjorie were a good friend of mine, I’d have told her by now to suck it up and grow up.  Which might explain why Analeigh is such a better person than me.

For this week’s lesson, Paulina teaches the girls how to model different products using emotions, which is just a fancy way of saying, “acting.”  Paulina’s looking very model-esque, I must say.  Usually she doesn’t look this put together, especially in Holland, where her make-up’s been all over the place.

Paulina identifies McKey as the best model, Analeigh the most natural, Marjorie the most genuine, and Sam, the biggest clown.  Back at the house, Sam gets some more interview time about her goals and dreams, which doesn’t bode well for her future on the show.

Marjorie interviews that she’s trying to be “as positive as possible,” and becomes even more Zen as she says she’s going to “try and enjoy the passing moment.”  She says this all very calmly.  It’s almost creepy.

For the challenge, the girls meet Paulina at Amsterdam Worldwide, a top boutique ad agency in Amsterdam.  They meet Richard Gorodecky, creative director, who tells the girls they will audition for a 30 second commercial.  They must jog as a “guy” passes in a “taxi,” flirt, and then run over and kiss him.  Blushes all around!

The “guy” is super(male)model Mark Vanderloo, famous for Calvin Klein ads, among others.  Jogging takes place on a tiny treadmill, and the “taxi” is Vanderloo walking forward and walking back.  Sam brings a lot of enthusiasm to her audition, and according to Paulina, does very well, but a little over the top.  Analeigh also does well.

McKey looks awkward running on the treadmill, because it’s so tiny compared to her.  She does the worst.  Marjorie interviews that she’s trying to “have fun with everything…rather than just being completely neurotic.”  In her audition, she looks kind of manic and laughs strangely, but Paulina and Richard call it “refreshing” and “unexpected.”  What?  Marjorie joins the other waiting girls, and says she’s happy and pleased, and Sam notes she’s changed.  Oh please.  The winner of a $10,000 shopping spree at G-Star is Marjorie.

And honestly, I almost turned the show off right here, because enough with the love affair with Marjorie already.  Are you kidding me?  Anyway, she splits her winnings with Analeigh.  I’m so disgusted.

Marjorie, high on her win and her new Zen attitude, calls the guys who ferried them around during the go-sees, invites them over and implores them to bring wine.  McKey, Analeigh, and Sam (dressed in an apron?) don’t drink, so the boys and Marjorie go through all the wine themselves.  She cheerfully gets drunk, and is probably the most relaxed and natural we’ve ever seen her – she’s actually having a good time.  McKey wrestles with a boy, Sam plays cards with a boy, and Marjorie has a tonsil hockey contest with a boy.  Meanwhile, Analeigh wags her finger and plays mom.  Bad Marjorie!

She eventually finds drunk Marjorie partially clothed in a bubble bath with one of the guys.  Analeigh gathers McKey and Sam and the three of them kick the guys out, ignoring all male protests.  The next morning, Marjorie interviews that she knew, as the only girl drinking, that the others would take care of her.  Don’t get me started on buzzkills like Marjorie, who ruin everybody else’s good time, waiting for people to take care of them.  I have a word limit, for one thing.  Analeigh should be nominated for sainthood.  Although, her share of the $10,000 shopping spree might contribute to a little more understanding.

Off to the photo shoot, and the girls meet Mr. Jay in the Dutch countryside.  Extreme hair and make-up in front of staid, Dutch windmills.  Analeigh wows the hell out of Jay, and provides a wide variety of poses.  If she had a bigger personality, she’d so have this nailed.  Jay says Marjorie looks “high or drunk or something.”  She seems more relaxed, but disappoints overall.  Sam also lacks energy, and with only six frames left and at Jay’s urging, finally turns it on.

In a rare serious moment, Sam quietly cries over what she knows could be a crucial mistake.

McKey rocks her photo shoot.  Of course.

Prior to panel, Sam worries and Marjorie sips on wine as she interviews that she has to remain relaxed.  Wine will do that to you.  It will also get you super-drunk and knock you out for the night in about an hour if you’re not careful.  And then you’ll swear off wine forever.  Trust me.  I’ve, uh, heard.

Judging.  Guest judge is Ann Shoket.

McKey’s outfit scores again, and it’s not chainmail, so I don’t mind.  Her photo receives plenty of accolades, with Tyra saying that her signature look is forming, “strength but femininity at the same time.”  Marjorie’s photo is “editorial,” but considered strange.  Tyra says her film was generally weaker than she’s used to seeing.  Marjorie barely nods, merely watches the judges.  Nigel’s all, “What’s wrong with you?” and Marjorie responds that she’s “just listening” and “being attentive.”  Tyra warns her against becoming boring as she tries to calm her nerves.  Sam steps up in an ugly sweater which disappoints the panel.  They adore her photo, but Tyra points out most of her film was “just okay.”  Analeigh’s photo wins over everyone, especially impressing Shoket.

Over deliberation, Sam’s in trouble for not presenting a strong model in person, and because she doesn’t “get” presence and fashion.  However, she consistently takes good photos.  Correction (per me): Sam takes amazing photos.  Tyra defends Marjorie’s boring shot, but to a point.  Nigel agrees with Tyra’s earlier comment that Marjorie has lost her charm.  Shoket saw Marjorie’s reaction during judging as condescending.

First photo: Analeigh.  Then McKey, so it’s Sam and Marjorie in the bottom, and I’m not happy.  Once again, Marjorie takes “exquisite” pictures, but “doesn’t understand balance,” and has “lost the essence of [Marjorie].”  Sam just “[doesn't] get it,” doesn’t understand how to look and act like a model.  Going home: Marjorie!  Wait, for real?  Honestly?  Tyra, you have restored my faith in you!

Analeigh is a mess of tears over her goodbye with Marjorie, but McKey is bored already.  Marjorie says it’s funny she can’t find a balance because she’s a Libra.  What?????

That’s it.  Between Marjorie and all the idiots on Project Runway this year, I’m officially becoming a Virgo.  I’m so embarrassed for my sign!

Next week: The Cover Girl commercial, a Dr. Seussian Runway, and the winner!

Season 11, Episode 12: Good Times & Windmills (originally aired November 12, 2008)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW