The Amazing Race: Moooo-ving Right Along. . .

Wow.  It’s like the universe is totally listening to me.  First, Kelly and Christy finish last week’s leg of the race last, thus relieving me of having to hear their pitiful attempts at mean-spirited humor.  Then, this week, I got to see the figurative become the literal when Ken had to stick his head in Tina’s butt.  And, I got to see not one, but two teams get screwed because of their failure to read the clue.

And Terence and Sarah were eliminated!  (I saved the best for last.)

So, this leg had the teams going to Almaty, Kazakhstan.  At the airport, we got more Starr and Dallas flirting.  Over music designed to provide a romantic backdrop, Starr tells Dallas she was interested way back in the beginning; she was trying to catch his attention in L.A.  (For her sake, I will assume that this attempted eye contact occurred before the film started rolling back at the Los Angeles Coliseum or Starr’s priorities are pretty seriously out of whack.)  Meanwhile, Nick and Toni talk to travel agents at the counter to get the fastest flight.

There was noticeable bunching this leg, with all teams arriving at a chicken farm to complete a detour before the farm opened, which rendered the fact that the teams were on three different flights, with substantially different arrival times, moot.  The detour contained a Fast Forward, which is pursued by Nick and Starr and Terence and Sarah.

Now, I knew that Terence and Sarah were pretty much screwed when Sarah pronounced that she was in a great mood at the start of the leg.  And sure enough, they arrive at the Fast Forward site to learn that the challenge requires the teams to finish large plates of a local delicacy in which the main ingredient is the fat from the “rear end of a sheep.”  Terence, a 16-year-vegetarian, pretty much gives up on the second bite, and so he and Sarah have to race back to the detour, substantially behind the other teams.

While Terence and Sarah and Nick and Starr are off chasing the Fast Forward, the other teams are attempting to find a golden egg underneath a chicken in a chicken factory.  What is it with The Amazing Race and birds this year?  This time around, the racers are given full body suits and masks to wear, which succeeds in freaking me out enough to never, ever, eat chicken from Kazakhstan.  Quite adorably, Toni says, “excuse me,” to the chickens as she attempts to move them along and it must have worked, because she finds the golden egg first and Toni and Dallas flee the coop (sorry, had to say it) pretty quickly.

Upon leaving the chicken farm, the teams have to seek out Mongol Warriors who summon their next clue via hawk (So. Cool.).  The teams are then given the option of playing traditional instruments well enough to bleep out a native tune (meh) or marching across town in a two-person cow costume (awesome!).  Every team, quite understandably, chooses the latter.  Dallas in particular endears himself to me by donning the costume quite enthusiastically and mooing happily down the street.  I gotta say, I thought for sure he and his mom would never make it pass the fourth leg or so, but I’m thrilled that they are trudging along towards the finish line, humor and likeability intact.

You know who has lost their humor and likeability the further they go along?  Team Dandrew.  No big surprise there, as Dan has treated every step of the race like the universe has a personal vendetta against him, but I was hoping that Andrew would remain above his negativity.  Alas, he was drawn in this week and the teammates bickered constantly, which was made even less attractive by their also constantly yelling for directions at the people around them.   Dan, perplexed at why the people on the sidewalk were not responding to the crazy person who was yelling at them in English from the window of a crane truck, at one point called the people of Kazakhstan “horrible.”  I immediately feel guilty for all of what the Western world has done to these people – I mean, wasn’t Sasha Baron Cohen enough?

Later, for reasons I don’t understand, Team Dandrew leave their shoes behind when they put on the cow costume.  They had no reason to do so – it just doesn’t make sense.  Since they had to wear the costume to the pit stop, we will find out next week what happens to their shoes.  We do know, however, that bickering impairs their reading skills – Dandrew took a cab to the pit stop instead of walking from their final task, despite a clue which instructed them to do otherwise.  This was awesomely made more painful by the fact that walking in the cow costume was harder than walking in their shoes.  I was half-hoping that this mistake would cost them the game, but then I remembered that Sarah and Terence were behind them and that I hate Terence and Sarah.

You know who I don’t hate?  Ken and Tina.  Turns out they are wonderfully bone-headed and it’s fun to watch.  During the cow costume detour, Tina took the front while Ken took the rear, and if there is a more perfect metaphor for their marriage, I don’t know what it is.  I mean, his lips were pretty much on her behind for much of the challenge.  Meanwhile FTR (Failure To Read) cost this woman and cheating husband valuable time, not once, but twice.  First Tina forgot to read the bottom of a milk glass (the cow had to drink milk – please don’t make me explain) and then the team went back to the costume shop to take off their costume when they weren’t supposed to – the clue clearly stated that they were to arrive at the pit stop with the costume in hand.  Still, they managed a third team finish, basically because Dandrew and Terence and Sarah were much worse.

So in the end, going for the Fast Forward cost Terence and Sarah the game, and Phil deliberately delayed their agony by waiting a super long time before saying, “You are the last team to arrive” and “Unfortunately, you have been eliminated.”  False hope much, Phil?  No, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have teased them.   You shouldn’t have teased me. Seriously, for a few seconds there I was really worried that I wasn’t rid of them yet.

But instead, I only had to hear Terence tell Sarah, “You’re a rock star,” and her awkwardly reply, “You too, honey.”  Heh.  She sooooo didn’t mean it.

Season 13, Episode 8: I’m Like An Angry Cow (originally aired November 16, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Sexytime in Kazakhstan by Paul Secrest.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of CBS