The Amazing Race: To Russia With Lust

I’m beginning to suspect something.  After watching Dan’s startlingly inept attempts at marching with the Russian army–think Tin Man after a monsoon– it became clear that with the way he’s been tanking the past few weeks, somebody must be paying him to throw the race: Empty squabbling, wretched challenge performance, lame flight schedules, misreading clues, the list goes on.  And thanks to coming in last on a non-elimination leg, it seems he can’t even fail at failing!  I may be out of teams to root against, but I’ve definitely got one to heckle.

With the peculiar charms of Kazakhstan behind them, our four remaining teams made haste for Moscow.  After needlessly abandoning their shoes at last week’s detour, Dandrew found themselves in the Kazakh airport’s duty free shop dropping the majority of their taxi cash on new kicks.  A dearth of red eye flights put everyone on equal ground and gave Dallas & Starr several peaceful hours to stoke their ongoing fling.  Once back in the USSR (huge Beatles fan, couldn’t help myself), Dan & Andrew took an early lead by winning the traditional Airport Taxi Scramble, but wound up in 3^rd at the army base detour thanks to a night of cab drivers even more clueless and surly than usual.  Teams joined the ranks of Russia’s military machine for an afternoon, complete with full camo uniforms, and chose between keeping in step on a mini-parade or slinging borscht for 75 hungry soldiers.  Everyone opted to march, but Dan’s previously alluded suck fest was so bad it not only allowed Nick & Starr to catch and pass them, but also forced a course correction to the Soup Commie challenge.

The Road Block was a rather straightforward matter of carrying 50 sacks of flour from point A to point Bakery, but occasional commentary from the sharp-tongued proprietor kept things amusing, especially when a very relieved to be finished Ken planted a double-cheeked kiss on her.  Watch yourself, Kenny.  We know you’ve cheated before, and I sure wouldn’t cross Tina twice.  Toni & Dallas took a much-deserved 1^st place finish, confirming their rise from middle of the pack cannon fodder to genuine contenders, and Andrew & Dan’s leg o’ shame ended in dicey negotiations with a cabbie they couldn’t pay.  Remember when I called them the Superbads?  Now they’re just super bad.  And I’ll be shocked if they make the finals, since next week promises to tax Dan’s nonexistent sense of rhythm once again.  Can’t wait.

Oh, and was anyone else dying to know what Dallas saw in a random Moscow storefront that made him say “that’s definitely not a bakery”?  The possibilities are haunting.

Season 13, Episode 9: That is Studly (originally aired November 23, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Bad Cab v. Just Stupid by Alana D.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS