Top Chef: An Everlong Swanson-Butterball Thanksgiving

After two devastating weeks for Ariane, we begin with her talking about today being the day for her to shine.  Richard is also shining out and proud, celebrating the wonders of gay pride in Chicago and Leah’s “nice rack.”  (Eye roll.)  He reminds us that Team Gaybow is still rocking on but I now suspect this “team” was just a creation in Richard’s head, kind of like the supposed record turnout in the recent election.  Anyway, following the usual Magical Elves editing techniques, either Ariane or Richard will be going home.

Quickfire.  Padma wishes them a “Happy Thanksgiving” and they’re confused because it’s July when they filmed this episode.  We meet this week’s guest judge, Grant Achatz.  They each draw knives and each knife has a number corresponding to a page in the newly released Top Chef: The Cookbook, available at fine booksellers nationwide.  They are given one hour to put their own spin on their assigned recipe from a past season contestant.  But, because one product placement is never enough (and Top Chef doesn’t get ad revenue from itself), Padma interrupts them mid-work to announce that she and Grant now want soup.  Fabio speaks for the audience and admits his confusion.  So Padma clarifies that they are to take their ingredients to make a “creative, delicious” soup, using the soup stock provided by Swanson-The Secret is Swanson^TM, available from your local grocer.  With Jamie, Leah, and Daniel as the favorites, Leah wins and receives immunity from the Elimination Challenge.

And what is this week’s Challenge?  Make Thanksgiving dinner for “very special clients,” a/k/a the Foo Fighters, who “watch [the show] a lot.”  They want a Thanksgiving feast for them and their entourage, but they are fussy about what they eat so they’re providing a copy of their rider (notably absent: wheat grass juice and black nail polish).  Oh and they need a vegetarian option and love chocolate-covered bananas and bacon, but presumably not together.  Hosea, without a hint of irony, is wearing a “Bacon is a vegetable” t-shirt while interviewing that he’s good with vegetarian food.  Leah, as the Quickfire winner, gets to pick her team: Leah, Stefan, Fabio, Jamie, Radhika, Melissa, and Hosea (hereinafter “Team Sexy Pants”).  While recalling memories of being picked last for team sports in high school, our other team is Jeff, Ariane, Alex, Carla, Eugene, and Richard (hereinafter “Team Cougar”).  And last, Padma says that the winning team gets to watch the Foos’ show that night, but the losers get to clean up the kitchen.

And they’re off to the Blue Cross Arena in Rochester, but, because there’s always a “but” on this show, they have no proper kitchen, only one burner, microwaves, and toaster ovens . . . outside.  And what had potential to be an interesting challenge that could highlight the chefs’ skills unnecessarily devolves to a gimmick.  As Jeff becomes the de facto leader, Ariane interviews that she’s being discounted because of the past two weeks but she’s glad to be Team Cougar’s mascot.  It’s very silly and not in a good way.  They head to a local grocery to shop for many Butterball products-this Thanksgiving Celebrate Every Day with Butterball®.

Back at the kitchen, Eugene builds a grill using a chafing dish-I like his creativity.  Anyway, watching them cook is boring, which is why the cooking limitations were unnecessary.  Ariane is very self-conscious because people are talking to her like she’s still a cub, instead of the cougar she wants to be.  And then it starts raining and Fabio is concerned he’ll leave his tiramisu out in the rain even though it took so long to make it.  Scramble, scramble, scramble.  It’s time to move the food downstairs, which they do “by the skin of [their] ass.”  Way gross, Eugene.

Summon the fighters Foo!  Richard talks about the butterflies in his stomach when Chef Tom, the “gay icon” walks in, and Richard and his comments have officially worked my last good nerve.  The Foos first sample the Team Cougar food.  Dave Grohl is being cheeky.  Taylor Hawkins didn’t like the stuffing but liked the mac ‘n cheese.  Chris Shiflett likes that Eugene went “MacGyver” with his grill to make the pork.  Tom mentions to the Foos that Ariane was on the chopping block the last two times but she redeemed herself with the turkey.  Then Team Sexy Pants serves up vegan stuffing that Nate Mendel likes, and Dave digs the yams with burnt marshmallows.  The judges and Foos decide to have a “dessert-off” between the two teams by eating both team’s desserts at the same time.

As Jeff lectures Ariane like a child to tell her to stop eating as the judges come over, Gail fawns over Fabio’s pumpkin tiramisu; Tom likes that the Italian guy who doesn’t know American traditions uses pumpkin to make an Italian dessert.  It is creative.  Taylor doesn’t like the “barfait” pumpkin foam/mousse, and I can’t believe someone made a barf joke.  The Foos are a house divided over which team served a better dinner, and I hope this won’t lead to a break-up.

In the end, Team Sexy Pants wins, but we don’t get any individual winner from that team.  (However, Butterball’s website tells a different story and gives the win to Stefan who was all but edited out of the episode.)  We see them at the concert-in not so sexy pants-while the losers are cleaning up in the back.  It’s a lot of useless time filler while Ariane and Carla make stupid pep talk comments throughout.  Richard portends the Bloodthirsty Bus of Elimination offing someone at Judges’ Table.

Judges’ Table.  When asked why they did not do well, Jeff blames God for making it rain (seriously?) as the judges reply that the other team had the same disadvantages.  Tom picks up on Jeff’s defensiveness and explains that the teams were very close.  Gail loved Ariane’s super moist breasts . . . of turkey, but Daniel’s undercooked potatoes were a disappointment.  In evaluating the desserts, there’s some concern with the pumpkin mousse-berry combo, but Richard’s s’mores were a true disaster, with Grant calling it a failure and Gail describing the foam on top as akin to spittle.

Back in the Stew Room^TM, Daniel is eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is dripping on the floor.  Jamie points out how disgusting he’s being.  In the history of Top Chef fights, this one is pretty tame, even though the promos for the episode made this out to be a big to do.  Guys, we’re going to need more from you if you want to compete with past seasons.  Meanwhile, the audience would rather have the professional musicians, the Foo Fighters, cook their Thanksgiving meal than any of these professional chefs.  No word on whether the Foo Fighters would be able to use actual kitchen equipment, though.

In the end, Carla again makes a great dessert, Ariane redeemed herself with her turkey, and Richard is sent home so he can no longer ogle Tom’s beefiness.  So on this Thanksgiving, all of Team Gaybow’s hopes now lie with one little lesbian, Jamie, somewhere in the wilderness.

Next week: here comes the old lady, raw eggs, Rocco DiSpirito, and Meredith Vieira.  There are some good jokes you can make there, so send me your best at j.b.perlow@poptimal.com.

Season 5, Episode 3: Foo Fighters (originally aired November 26, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out That Time of the Month by Jaimie Campos.

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