Top Chef: Small Craft Advisory

In the first five minutes of the show, we see that Bravo is here and queer, so let’s get used to it.  As you’ll recall, last week saw the formation of Team Gaybow, only to have one-third of its membership, Patrick, relegated to the “Who are you” position on the cast reunion couch.  Stefan and Fabio are comforting themselves in what appears to be the love that dare not speak its name as we at home play my favorite game at community theatre performances, “Gay, Straight, or Eurotrash?”

But on to the Quickfire Challenge, where Padma and Donatella Arpaia, order our chefs to make hot dogs.  No one knows how to make a hot dog; is it like a sausage but with road kill in a blender?  I have no idea.  But that’s what they’re all doing, all except Jill who gets a store-bought hot dog and cuts it into pieces, thereby forgetting the great franks and beans disaster of Season 3.  Hosea’s also having trouble as he’s never “stuffed sausages before,” (hem, hem), and Radhika makes an Indian-inspired hot dog (no kidding).

During the review, most of the dogs look and sound rather disgusting and this is coming from someone who loves sausage (shut it, Campos ).  Of note, Jamie left some bone in the sausage she gave to Padma, Stefan made a sausage of random foods from around the world, and Carla made her own sauerkraut in two minutes, so it’s imitation.  Padma and Donatella try everything and then compare with the New York hot dog, and by compare, I mean take a tiny bite and quickly put it on the table behind them.  What was the point of this?  It’s not like they were getting big bucks from Nathan’s.

Anyway, they call out Jill for being a disappointment who did nothing and Stefan for making something gross.  They like Radhika because she’s Indian and made Indian food (minimal paraphrasing, I swear), as well as Fabio and Hosea because their food tasted good.  Radhika wins and earns immunity.

For the Elimination Challenge, it’s billed as opening a Manhattan restaurant but it’s too early for Restaurant Wars.  Instead, they have to make a three-course New American lunch menu.  No word on whether they must include caloric content.  The chefs bicker until pretty boy Jeff creates three groups-Appetizer, Entree, and Dessert-and they self-select into a group and head to Whole Foods Market (Bowery).  In the store we hear Jeff complain that no one is planning anything before buying.  And so there will be no surprises when they’re in the bottom group at the end of the show, we see Jill buy ostrich eggs to make a quiche–because she thinks they’re interesting, and we see Hosea buy canned crab because it was all they have.  Hosea missed last season’s frozen scallops incident that left Spike making milkshakes on Capitol Hill (highly recommended).

Back in the kitchen, some comic relief in the form of Jill trying to open an ostrich egg.  Chef Tom tells everyone that they’ll be serving lunch in his restaurant, craft, and the diners . . . New York chefs who tried out and did not make the cut.  And I wonder if that includes the chef they left on Governors Island.  (Too soon?)  That evening at the apartment, Fabio continues an earlier commentary with Stefan about rescuing princesses, as they roll around on a bed.  It’s even gayer than when Mark and Spike took a bath together.

Shortly before lunchtime, we see scrambling in the kitchen, with focus on the chefs that will be the best and worst of this week.  I was most amused by Fabio soaking olives that would leave them liquid in the center.  Hosea is concerned about his unseasoned crab, while Ariane’s lemon meringue “martini” is too sweet but Richard won’t correct her because he’s hardcore competitive like that.  I pause to roll my eyes that people still think it’s not lame to label a dish “_____ martini” because you’re putting the food in a martini glass.

In the front of house, the non-qualifying chefs are being jerks and trying to out impress each other over who can be the biggest uni-tasker.  Anyway, Tom’s coordinating the orders, and Alex comments that they’re representing what Tom is, but it’s clear that they’re not when Tom has a teaching moment to explain how a tasting spoon doesn’t go back in the dish after it’s been in your mouth.  Guess they didn’t see this guy (remember?).

In the appetizer category, the judges like Jamie’s corn soup, they can tell Hosea’s crab is not good (one non-judge says it tastes tinny), but Fabio’s beef carpaccio and magical olives go over well.  For entrees, Jill’s ostrich egg quiche is described as “glue” and “dog food”-both of which are made from horse so that’s good, right?  The other meals of meatloaf (Eugene), chicken (Jeff), and pork (Alex) are iffy.  Stefan’s halibut was the only thing the judges seemed to enjoy.  Finally, Padma spits out Ariane’s meringue martini, Carla serves sweaty deli counter cheese with an otherwise good apple tart, and Richard makes a peanut butter-banana sandwich that would make even Elvis have a heart attack.

Before Judges’ Table, Tom explains that the contestants have no idea what “New American” means; he’s disappointed and calls in Carla, Fabio, Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, and Jill.  They quickly tell Carla they loved her pastry (sans cheddar slice), and then ask Fabio about his dish.  He gets very defense and is about to tell everyone off until Padma cuts him off to say they thought his dish was excellent.  Jamie’s corn puree was also “successful” (Tom).  In surprising, but not telling off, the judges, Fabio wins and kisses Stefan.  It’s awkward.

No one can figure out what’s wrong with Hosea’s dish but they didn’t like it.  They chastise Ariane for serving something so inedible, but it is Jill’s inability to defend both herself and her ostrich egg that makes me think she’s going home.  During the deliberations, Gail asks Padma about Ariane, to which Padma says, “You know what I think about Ariane.”  It’s great.  Gail then says that Jill’s defense of her dish was the “lamest defense [she's heard] in five years,” and that’s really saying something.

Jill’s going home as we’re reminded of another Top Chef lesson: Always defend yourself, and if a judge spits out someone else’s food and you still go home, well, you really stunk up the kitchen.

Next week, I try to remember Foo Fighters lyrics as we have Thanksgiving dinner with . . . the Foo Fighters (who else?).

Season 5, Episode 2: Show Your Craft (originally aired November 19, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Great Expectations by Jaimie Campos.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo