30 Rock: Do you like Methodist churches full of Vietnamese?

It’s Liz’s high school reunion this week, so we get a lovely look back at The Way Liz Was.  She thinks she was “a lonely nerd” in high school.  She got the lonely part right at least.

The reunion’s in Pennsylvania, so Liz and Jack pile onto a private jet and, thanks to a snowstorm and a hundred-year-old countywide liquor ban, they both get stuck at Liz’s reunion.  Everyone gapes when Liz walks in, and we initially think it’s because she looks so good with her hair all straightened and her cleavage on display, but we soon find out it’s because everyone hated her in high school.  Turns out, her defense mechanism back then was being a big ole’ meanie, and her former classmates have all been through years of therapy trying to eradicate their memories of her too-witty taunts.

Meanwhile, Jack is getting trashed at the reunion’s open bar, because Don Geiss came out of his coma and decided to stay on as CEO of GE until death, if that ever actually happens.  Jack overhears a reunion-goer describing his mulch business and interrupts him to ask, “Are you happy?”  The mulch guy: “Well, I got a boat, good friends, and a trampoline.  You tell me.”  Man, I want a trampoline now.  Jack is inspired in other ways, and decides that these people are happy, and he wants to be one of them.  Then someone mistakes Jack for an absent Larry Braverman.  “Yes.  I am Larry Braverman,” Jack replies.  I cannot describe Alec Baldwin’s delivery.  Just watch the episode.

Jack and Liz later get stuck in playing 7 Minutes in Heaven, only instead of making out they have a semiserious fight about how Liz is mean and Jack is pathetic.  Jack comes thisclose to crying.  And by the way, after squirming through this week’s episode of House, it’s a relief to watch a show featuring two attractive main characters who have chemistry and yet who maintain absolutely no interest in sleeping with each other.

But mostly, Liz is preoccupied, trying to bond with all the people who hate her.  These include the former homecoming queen, who’s still sensitive from Liz teasing her about her giant mole, and the first gay guy Liz ever kissed, who looks so familiar I read through his IMDB profile all the way to Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper before I gave up trying to figure out where I recognized him from.

Also in attendance is Donna from West Wing (with an appropriately suburban haircut).  She’s always been in love with Larry Braverman, and has a teenage son to prove it.  When she whips out the kid, Jack drops the ruse and makes everyone hate Liz even further.  And this is after they’ve pulled her up on stage and dumped a bucket of pig’s blood next to her. (It was supposed to land on her head, but it turns out that’s harder to pull off than you might think.)

Back in New York, in the subplot, Tracy’s very creative, if nonsensical and nonfunny, jokes failing to win over the riders of the 30 Rock elevators, while Kenneth’s “What is this, the local?” elicits guffaws.  Kenneth, I know Pete Campbell.  Pete Campbell is a friend of mine.  And you, sir, are no Pete Campbell.

Later, back in the elevator, Jenna belts out Wind Beneath My Wings, and I get it stuck in my head for the next 24 hours, but to no avail – the elevator riders only have ears for Kenneth and his resounding chorus of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”  Eventually, Tracy and Jenna exact their revenge by dressing up in awesome fake page outfits and ordering Kenneth to cry.  Which he does.  Beautifully.  I’m really torn about Kenneth.  Part of me wants to watch a feature-length film of his life story.  Another part thinks he’s this show’s Jay-and-Silent-Bob – best in minute doses.

Other things we learned this week:

• Liz doesn’t know what’s in a Manhattan, or what the different varieties of bourbon are. (It’s okay, Liz, me neither.  At least I don’t drink white wine spritzers though.)
• Rich 50 is middle-class 38.
• They’re still advertising Twilight during 30 Rock.  What’s the matter, folks, is that drop to 3^rd place over Thanksgiving weekend starting to smart?
• People go to Miami for “ass, and the burgeoning art scene.”
• Alec Baldwin as crazy depressed guy is actually kind of scary.

Season 3, Episode 5: Reunion (originally aired December 4, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Sex and Awesomeness! by Jaimie Campos.

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC