Top Chef: Colicchio Gets Real!

Don’t get excited, he doesn’t kill anyone, even if this is New York.  In fact, I was a little underwhelmed, but let’s not jump ahead.  We open another super-sized episode of holiday goodness with Ariane’s reaffirmation that simple is good.  There is such a thing as too simple, and I knew that before this episode, but no one’s told the Cougar. Next, Eugene and Hosea interview their backstories (Eugene has no formal culinary education, working his way up from humble dishwasher, and Hosea’s father was recently diagnosed with cancer), which in Reality-TV-speak means one of these guys is going home this week.

Romance update: The love triangle among Fabio, Stefan, and the remaining chefs heats up as Fabio and Stefan declare themselves the Dynamic Euro Duo.  Really.

Quickfire: Create a one-pot wonder holiday meal in 45 minutes, for guest judge Martha Stewart.  Martha Stewart!  Martha walks in, and Fabio drops his head as if he knows already there’s no winning here.  The others express their excitement.  Leah’s a big fan and calls Martha “bad ass.”  Prison time automatically ups your street cred, even if part of it was only house arrest.  Or maybe she just means Martha’s a bad ass in the kitchen.

Everyone thinks they have the perfect meal.  We learn that Fabio was evil when he was six, and was punished with polenta.  Jamie and Ariane are chef buddies, but Jamie calls Ariane “consistent,” whereas Jamie takes a little “more risk.  I’m a little bit more innovative, a little bit more modern.”  I think you’re reading the subtext as well as I am.  Boring Melissa says something, but I zone out.

Over the tastings, Thoroughly Modern Jamie actually talks over Martha, who was trying to help support Jamie’s argument that scallops are a holiday dish.  On Top Chef this season, the part of Kenley will be played by Jamie.

Martha lays the culinary smackdown (politely, of course) on Dr. Chase’s potato risotto, although maybe it’s just 6:30am and Martha has an unsophisticated palate.  She also dislikes Eugene’s Korean stew, and Fabio’s grayish, evil polenta.  She enjoyed Hosea’s paella, Jamie’s scallops, and Ariane’s beef and cauliflower puree.  And fellow Jersey Girl, Ariane, wins immunity!  Jamie’s frustration grows.  Sadly, Martha departs without writing notes to the failed contestants.  Goodbye.

Elimination challenge: Cater an amfAR holiday event for 250 people, hosted by guest judge Natasha Richardson.  Inspiration courtesy of the Harlem Gospel Choir and the 12 Days of Christmas.

By the way, I love these Claus commercials.

Stefan draws twelve drummers drumming, so he does a chicken pot pie.  It took two viewings before I realized he was going for the drumsticks for his drums.  Lame, Stefan.  Hosea’s eleven pipers piping lead him to smoked tenderloin (because you can smoke a pipe!  Get it?), and Chase struggles with ten lords-a-leaping, eventually landing on some island hopping cheese.  I don’t get it, but anything with cheese has to be good, right?  Stick around, because the correct answer is, “Wrong!”  Mr. “Once again I pick the crappy theme” Fabio lands nine ladies dancing, so he word associates from dancing to leg, to crab legs.  Boring Melissa overdoses on Gorgonzola cheese, topped by strip steak for eight maids-a-milking.  Jamie’s seven swans-a-swimming becomes scallops swimming in a sea of vichyssoise.

Ariane’s six geese-a-layin’ morphs into six varieties of deviled eggs.  Seriously?  Deviled eggs?  Someone call the bitter New Yorkers, because I bet they’re all throwing things at the screen right now.  Possibly deviled eggs they made at home.

Eugene creates a ceviche on top of a golden pineapple ring to represent the five golden rings.  He’s very confident, which means his dish will tank.  Hey, there’s no four calling birds!  Leah literally cooks up three French hens, and Carla’s turtledoves are mushroom caps.  Radhika substitutes duck for partridge.

You know why this episode had to be supersized?  Explanations for all of those dishes.  Come on now, Bravo.  I’ve got better uses for my word count here.

The chefs prep, and Chase notes that while other people are cooking very simple, basic dishes (crab cakes, deviled eggs), he’s determined to create something impressive.  That loss to Martha messed with his head.  At the end of three hours, the chefs jam the fridge with food for 250 people.

Only to return the next morning to find one of the doors open!  Hosea’s pork and Radhika’s duck are unusable unless they want to serve disease at the holiday party.  Forgetting this is a reality show, the chefs abandon the rules of competition and join together to help Radhika and Hosea prepare their dishes.  Even Jamie helps.  Smugly, but still helps.  Stefan explains it best, that there’s no point in beating someone who doesn’t produce a real dish.  It is unclear who does the actual cooking.

Off to the event!  Natasha Richardson speechifies for amfAR, then explains that the guests should pin their AIDS ribbons to the chef’s board (placed at each station) of their favorite dish.  The most ribbons wins.  Presumably.

Ribbons fill up his board and chef’s jacket, as Hosea flirts with Becky the Guest, and with several other women.  I can’t wait to find out at the reunion if he still has a girlfriend.  Leah appears slightly jealous.  “Good friends.”  Right.  Chase also works the ladies and flirts his fair share.  And why shouldn’t he?  Melissa’s worried by her lack of ribbons, but it’s not my luck that she would go home.

Michelle Bernstein steps in for the newly wedded Gail.  The favorites: Stefan, Radhika, Hosea, Dr. Chase.  The judges disliked: Carla (boring), Eugene (too sweet), Fabio (too fatty, greasy), Jamie (raw, lukewarm, “slimy”), Boring Melissa (nothing but cheese!), Leah (dull), Ariane (Deviled eggs???).

Judges’ Table.  The top four.  Radhika explains the morning’s debacle and the chefs’ joint cooking.  Chase responds positively to the women because they’re complimenting him.  What a gentleman suddenly!  Natasha announces Hosea as the winner and judges’ choice, and top ribbon collector.  He wins a copy of Bernstein’s book, which she then provides for everyone since he didn’t work alone.  Fair enough.  I’m not convinced he should have won at all for that reason, but I just judge from the couch.

Bottom Three: Jamie, Boring Melissa, Eugene.  Oh, Eugene.

Jamie tries to excuse her lukewarm, raw food, but Tom shoots her down.  Melissa’s intense cheese overwhelmed the dish, and she received one of the lowest number of ribbons.  She’s surprised.  Not I.  Eugene’s offering lacked seasoning, which he doesn’t believe.  Tom calls the fish bland, but Eugene felt completely confident in the dish, despite the criticism.  Bernstein responds that if he only received eight ribbons, something went wrong, and “if people don’t like it, fix it.”  I like Eugene, but not the ‘tude.

Deliberation.  Notably, Eugene’s attitude seriously jeopardizes his place in the competition.  However, Tom’s more disturbed by the chefs’ overall poor performance.  Natasha admits she was disappointed, and when an actor criticizes you, look out!  Tom doesn’t want anyone thinking that just because they weren’t called bottom three, that they had good dishes.  He rolls up his sleeves and heads to the Stew Room!

“Uh oh” faces greet him.  He includes the winners in his statement that the food was “not very inspiring at all … you guys gotta step up your game here.”  When Leah challenges him, he says, “We’re not looking for a little throwaway canapé.”  Just like hers.  Awesome.  He tells them to start focusing on food that’s going to win, and to Ariane, says, “I don’t want to single you out, but you don’t win with a deviled egg!”  Awesome again!

I’m disappointed to see that he lets them off easy.  In the spirit of the holidays and everyone’s willingness to support Radhika and Hosea, no eliminations!  They all hug, relieved, though Eugene still has a ‘tude.  Boring Melissa finally realizes that she needs “to cook better food.”  Duh?

Next week: This isn’t Top Sommelier, it’s Top Scallops!  And a terrifying new judge!

Season 5, Episode 6: 12 Days of Christmas (originally aired December 17, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out And Martha Stewart in a Pear Tree by J.B. Perlow.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo