Top Chef: If My Friends Could See Me Now

With Richard’s departure, we pause for some momentary reflection.  Alex, Richard’s roommate, misses him and cries when he reads a “sincere letter” Richard left for him.  Jamie, being the sole-surviving heir of the Rainbow Trust, makes a rainbow bracelet and suggests she’s the only one of the triad left because she’s the only one who can cook.  Ladies and gentlemen, one of these two will be going home this week.

Quickfire with Rocco DiSpirito: Create a breakfast amuse-bouche (and you better have bacon in it because Rocco loves some bacon).  While the chefs start cooking, Fabio interviews that Rocco is not really Italian.  Isn’t that the kind of nonsense people said about Obama?  And how do you test whether someone is Italian?  Throw them against the wall and see if they stick?  No wait, that’s pasta.  Back to the food!

Rocco did not like Daniel’s cornflake zucchini flower or Fabio’s brioche with banana and espresso.  This is all amusing because Fabio said earlier that bacon was too heavy for breakfast and Padma’s first comment is how heavy his dish was.  (But she’s not Italian either so what does she know, right.)  In response to it all, Fabio interviews that next time he’s going to do “bacon, toast, and some bullsh-t eggs on top.”  Probably would have won with that, you know, because that’s basically what Stefan, Jamie, and Leah did that Rocco liked so much.  And Leah wins immunity and Rocco’s book, Rocco Gets Real.  This is also a consecutive Quickfire win for Leah.

Elimination Challenge: Create a dish for a two-and-one-half minute presentation, suitable for a live television segment.  (When did this become The Next Food Network Star?)  At the Whole Foods, Fabio, Hosea, and Eugene lay into some tuna behind the fishmonger’s counter, and Alex wants to make a crème brûlée, thinking it will lead to a free pass because he’s taking a challenge.  Nope, sorry, you only get points for taking a risk when there are more people eliminated than still on the show.  Definitely going home.

With our regular panel and Rocco hovering, each contestant gives a demo.  Ariane finishes her watermelon salad with time to spare–time Jamie wishes she had had when she serves the judges almost-raw duck eggs.  The judges ask the typical silly questions you’d get from a morning television host, which just confuses Alex.  Jeff talks about how much television he’s done and I realize for the first time people on these skills-based shows are probably as camera-whorish as those on regular reality shows.  (Naive, huh?)  Stefan gets the “swap out” down nicely, we skip over some people you know are safe, and land on Tom spitting out Melissa’s spicy food–followed by Carla and Radhika running out of time and Leah whining about not wanting to do live television.

The judges criticize Jamie’s raw egg white, Alex’s dessert choice, and Leah’s lack of confidence, with Tom thinking it’s good she had immunity.  Tom didn’t care for Daniel’s shtick or for Stefan’s personality, but Rocco thought his fellow pisan, Fabio, was a “dream.”  Our bottom three: Melissa, Alex, and Jamie.  Our top three: Jeff, Fabio, and Ariane.  Padma announces the results and postpones Judges’ Table until tomorrow so Jamie can stay up all night crying.  Alex also stays up late to piss and moan about people “pussying out” for doing a salad; he’s talking about Ariane.  And Melissa, who is she?  Has she been on the show the whole time?

Around 2:00 A.M., Tom breaks in and wakes up Ariane, Jeff, and Fabio.  Thankfully Richard was gone or Tom would have been in trouble, that’s all I’m saying.  He’s taking them to 30 Rock to have their recipes featured on the TODAY Show (only it’s the “Fourth Hour” part of the show after the real talent leaves the building).  After preparing their dishes, Tom presents them to Meredith Vieira and three other ladies as part of a TODAY’s Kitchen segment.  The ladies all talk about how the weight of the world is on them because they have to make the decision (like how the Top Chef judges do during the final Judges’ Table), and anyway, who are these women?  Is that Kathie Lee Gifford?  She’s back on television?!?  Apparently so.  They do that awkward eating in front of a camera thing and Kathie Lee mugs it up for the camera and spits out Jeff’s food (take note Daniel, that’s how you play to the camera!).  The coven caucuses and elects fellow-oldster, Ariane, the winner.  And don’t tell me it was a blind test, those ovaries can talk.

Judges’ Table.  With the top three assembled, Fabio is gracious enough to Ariane that we still can’t hate him. . . completely.  Rocco gives her a bag of his favorite tools but there’s no brand name mentioned so I guess they’re not for sale.  She also gets to present a dish live on the TODAY Show the morning after this episode airs.

The bottom three.  Melissa thinks her dish was well-balanced and Rocco all but calls her a liar; Padma’s throbbing mouth concurs and Gail speaks about the use of habaneros as if they’re spent nuclear fuel rods.  Jamie owns her mistake (so she’ll be safe) but Rocco thinks she was too angry when she crossed her arms after not properly cooking the egg.  She said she wasn’t mad at him, but was mad at the dirt . . . sorry, herself.  And Alex talks about his bold risk taking.  We end with Melissa talking about how she wants to be there, but she fails to hope in the driver’s seat on the Bloodthirsty Bus of Elimination when Tom says it sounds like she’s implying not everyone should be there.  Good for you, Tom.

After some Stew Room footage of Melissa trash talking Alex for not really wanting to be there, he gets concerned that she’s trying to throw him under the bus, not realizing, of course, that they are no longer standing in front of the judges.  And all of this fighting just gets too much for some of the chefs because, cue that soft-core porno music, Hosea and Leah are flirting around.  After a word from our sponsors, Alex is sent packing, which seems fine with him because he’s about to get married.  And on the subject of matrimonies, Gail’s almost getting hitched next week and Fabio uses his 100% Authentic Italian Charm to BS Gail’s friends into thinking they’re beautiful.

Bonus content! Out of my love for you, my devoted readers, I watched Thursday’s TODAY Show and saw Ariane make several little appetizer-type dishes for Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb.  Of note, Ariane grabs the tongs away from Hoda, who then keeps her hands behind her back for the rest of the segment, and then Kathie Lee picks off someone else’s plate even though she already has a plate of food in front of her.  Oh and Kathie Lee introduced Ariane as the “winner of Top Chef.”  I hope that was just her mistake and not an indicator of things to come.  Anyway, you can watch it all, and get Ariane’s recipes, here.

Season 5, Episode 4: Today Show: Rocco DiSpirito (originally aired December 3, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out The Rocco DiSpirito Show! by Jaimie Campos.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo