Top Chef: Thank You For Being Strong Women…

It’s a super-sized Top Chef this week!  And I don’t know why, but I loved this episode.  Should I be ashamed because I enjoyed watching bad people lose?  Oh, who cares.  It’s not the holiday season or anything.

We start with Boring Melissa’s realization that this is not a game.  This is a competition, and possibly the biggest of her life.  It’s as though the television cameras haven’t tipped her off before now.  Meanwhile, Ariane’s recent win boosts her confidence.  And then, there’s gossip!  Stefan the European is crushing on Jamie the Lesbian!  Hilarious!

Quickfire: Name That Ingredient!  The chefs pair up to challenge each other, going head to head to name the most ingredients per dish.  Last chef standing wins immunity.  Most notably, Arrogant Jamie pairs up with Arrogant Stefan.  If Stefan’s crush continues to annoy Jamie, I want them both to stick around until the finale, because we’re five minutes in, and suddenly, I love Stefan.  There’s something hilarious about the guy who pursues the girl that is impossible to win.  Impossible!  And Jamie’s bitch-tastic enough that we can all sit back and enjoy her frustration guilt-free!

Of course, Jamie thinks she has an excellent palate.  Of course she does.  Daniel predicts he’s going to win today.  He feels like a winner.  Like a friggin winner, I’m sure.  In their first rounds, they’re both out, and I laugh and laugh.  I told you this was a good episode!

The final three are Crazy Carla, Stefan, and Hosea.  Everyone takes turns talking about Stefan being an asshole with an ego, but it’s okay, because Hosea out-palates Stefan and wins immunity.  I assume that this prolonged Quickfire determined the need for a super-sized episode, but since this is a great challenge that calls on the chefs’ abilities, I’ll allow it.  Because obviously, my opinion matters most.

Elimination Challenge: Gail’s bridal shower!  The chefs draw knives to form four teams: Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue.  Somewhere, a producer thinks he’s a genius.  The four teams will create dishes inspired by their team name for the guests at Gail’s shower.

Jamie leads her team, and suggests an Indian theme, to “borrow” from Radhika’s culture.  Unfortunately, Radhika’s “I don’t want to cook Indian food” speech has only been interviewed to the camera, so Jamie doesn’t know about her so-called “stand” against stereotyping herself.  Radhika chooses not to correct her, but further interviews her worry about only cooking Indian food.  Still, she does it.  So…whatever then, I guess.  Ariane will cook the lamb, which they will also serve.

Boring Melissa jinxes her team of Fabio and Leah.  They choose to cook fish to represent “Blue,” since blue food does not exist.  When Daniel thinks of “New,” he thinks pickled.  Why?  “I dunno.”  Oh, it’s an excuse to do pickled because he knows Gail likes pickled food.  Naturally, Crazy Carla and Eugene steer him to sanity, but unfortunately, Eugene steers them towards sushi.  Daniel jumps on board, but Carla stays mum about her reservations.  And that is sure to send her home.  Has no one watched this show before?

Hosea, Dr. Chase and Stefan use heirloom tomatoes to represent “Old,” and do a tomato trio.  Arguing begins about Chase’s choice of a sorbet, because Stefan’s catering experience hates sorbets.  If Chase can deal with House, Stefan’s a breeze, so sorbet it is.

As an aside, we learn a little more about Crazy Carla.  When lost in a store, she and her husband play a little Marco Polo game: When Carla calls out “Hootie!” the correct response is “Hoo.”  Make a note.  Back and forth until they find each other.  How entertaining is this woman?  I love her!  I’m totally playing this weekend.

During the prep, Eugene overcooks his rice, but fixes the “mushiness” by adding spices and texture.  Tom visits, generally worried by the blah of Team Blue, and the ADD of Team New, with its multiple component style sushi and salad.

At home, Eugene suggests serving their sushi in a deconstructed style, which means the diners will put it together themselves.  Later, Stefan tries to bargain a kiss out of Jamie if she wins.  The only odd thing about this is the presence of Carla on the bed with them.  It’s like an episode of The Real World, and these yahoos should really be eighteen.  To further this impression, Leah and Hosea continue to flirt.  Hosea calls her a “good friend” three times in ten seconds, so sure.  He’s not crushing on her, like, at all.

At the shower, a single long table seats all forty-five guests.  What a terrible way to interact with everyone.  Half the table won’t even speak with the bride!  I hope they’re all doing something together later.  Meanwhile, Colicchio’s been banished to the kitchen.

Editor-in-Chief of Food & Wine magazine, Dana Cowin, acts as partygoer and guest judge.  And we begin!  The ladies love Chase’s sorbet, and the larger trio in general.  In the kitchen, Danny further screws Team New by adding a mushroom to the bottom of Carla’s salad, without asking or telling her about it.  Eugene introduces the dish, but forgets to explain how to put the deconstructed sushi together.  The dish comes off more as a sampler than an actual dish.  On the whole, none of the components impress the diners.

Jamie bitch-terviews that she deserves the win on this challenge – it was her concept and she’s been in the Top 3 so many times and not won.  Ariane stumbles over the preparation of the lamb, as it needs a few more minutes to cook.  Jamie bullies her into performing a time warp of some kind in order to cook the lamb faster, but instead of bending time and space, the other chefs form an assembly line and help Team Borrowed plate their dishes with seconds to spare.  Jamie appears to feel entitled to the help, as opposed to grateful.  The ladies gush over the dish as a whole, but are mostly impressed by the lamb.

Boring Melissa gets some interview time about her team and dish, but I fall asleep.  Fabio charms the ladies with his accent and his Italian-ness.  He introduces their Chilean Sea Bass encrusted with blue cornflower, and corn puree.  The diners generally dislike the lack of texture and spice of the fish.

Judges’ Table.  Team Borrowed and Team Old claim the top spots.  Stefan eats a little crow as Gail calls Chase’s sorbet the star.  Padma compliments Jamie’s carrot puree, and the judges call Ariane’s lamb perfect.  Jamie actually whispers to Ariane that she wants this win.  Awkward much?  Dana Cowin announces that the winner created the most flavorful dish, so naturally, the win goes to…Ariane!  And the best part: Jamie’s pissed.  Near tears!  Oh, karma can be such fun to watch, sometimes.  I’m sure my enjoyment isn’t helping my own karma much, but tell me this isn’t funny.  Hootie!  Even funnier, the combined shock of Ariane and Jamie, who both look like they’ve been cold cocked by the news.  Jeff’s disappointment is secondary.

Jamie bitch-terviews that “None of us expected anyone but me to win.  So I was really annoyed.”  I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to watch this show later and realize just how arrogant she is.  Reality can be harsh.

At this point, who even cares who’s going home?  Well, I do, because I want Crazy Carla to stick around.  Eugene takes heat for his rice, Carla takes heat for keeping her mouth shut, and Daniel takes heat for not realizing what an awful dish they created, plus his Mushroom Surprise.  To his credit, he accepts responsibility for the change he made to Carla’s dish.

Team Blue hears about their texture issues, and Colicchio calls it boring and safe.  When Fabio starts to argue, Padma and Colicchio call it a forgiving fish, so what other defense does Team Blue have?  Nothing!

Repetitious deliberation leads us to calling the chefs back out.  Going home … Daniel!  And I’m pleased, as I enjoy Crazy Carla too much to see her go, and Eugene is a favorite, even though he needs to step up his game if he’s going to stick around to the end.  Daniel thinks they’ve sent the wrong chef home.  Don’t they always, though?

Next week: Martha Stewart!  As if Eddie Ross hadn’t shamelessly promoted her enough during Top Design.

I can’t believe I just admitted to anyone that I watched that show.  No judging!  And shhh!

Season 5, Episode 5: Gail’s Bridal Shower (originally aired December 10, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out Here Comes the Gail by J.B. Perlow.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo