Top Chef: The Rocco DiSpirito Show!

I know, I know – you fell asleep this week on Top Chef, didn’t you?  Well, that’s why I’m here.  To humbly point out all the little things you missed.  Such as, five seasons in and idiots are still volunteering to prepare dessert.  But the really important thing – the only important thing – this week, is the introduction of a new gallery of potential villains!  It’s like the Chess Club all over again!

And so: After reliving Richard’s teary good-bye in the “Previouslys,” Alex mourns his roommate’s loss and cries over a heartfelt note Richard left behind.  Give me a break.  They’ve known each other for like a week in real time.  Jamie then bitch-terviews that she’s the last remaining member of Team Rainbow: “Maybe I’m the strongest one…I don’t know.”  I send her an email with the definition of humility, because … come on, girl.  As if Patrick had ever been real competition.

Quickfire: Padma and Rocco DiSpirito announce that the chefs must prepare a breakfast Amuse-bouche, with an emphasis placed on “single bite” and “bacon.”  Daniel’s zucchini flowers and cornflakes score low, along with Fabio, who next time will do “toast, bacon, and some bullshit eggs” in order to win.  Rocco loves Stefan’s heuvos rancheros, Leah’s bacon, egg and cheese bite, and Jamie’s BLT breakfast sandwich.  Unfortunately, Jamie doesn’t eat breakfast, like ever, and because it’s two bites instead of one, Leah beats out Jamie for immunity for a second week in a row.  Jamie’s a little sore.

Elimination challenge: Prepare a two and a half minute cooking demonstration for a television segment, performed for the judges in the kitchen as though it’s live.  Carla’s eyes bug out more than usual, as she says for live television, you need to be spot on.  They will cut you.  Hopefully she means they’ll end the segment abruptly, as opposed to pulling her cooking knife and cutting her.  What great live television that would be!  Oh, and there are extra advantages to winning this time around.

Leah’s thankful for immunity this week, because she knows she’s about to crash and burn.  Fabio thinks his poor English will be a problem.  If only.  Alex proves he’s never watched this show before as he chooses to do the lone dessert.  “If you pick dessert, you might have…a free pass,” because he’s the only one with guts.  Is this idiot for real?  This is worse than Hosea’s canned crab meat, because anyone who’s ever seen this show knows that dessert will get you eliminated faster than you can say, “How badly do you want to join Richard in the Elimination Chamber?”  Remember that guy you were crying about earlier?  Because dessert sent him home last week.

And so, Alex can’t possibly succeed because the chefs have only one hour, which is not enough time to cook and set the dessert.  Jamie worries about cooking her egg fully in only two and a half minutes.

For your consideration: Daniel wants to be Bobby Flay, with restaurants, television shows, and to “make a friggin movie, because I’m very charismatic and I think I light up in front of the camera.”  I send Daniel an email about “disillusionment.”  Ariane is making New Jersey beefsteak tomato and watermelon salad, because simple can be wonderful.

Ariane, Fabio and his tuna, and Dr. Chase and his Malfouf Roll all perform well before the judges.  Dr. Chase has done this demo/live television thing before.  As has Jamie, so she’s pretty confident.  Which really ratchets up my enjoyment and her frustration when she fails due to her lack of personality and a raw egg.  Don’t worry!  Rocco notices!  Alex trips up because of his public speaking issues, but it doesn’t matter as his crème brûlée never fully set.  Daniel does well, except for his smoking frying pan and mugging for the camera.  Colicchio is not amused: only one giant bear on the set at all times, please.  Stefan has no personality, Eugene is a mess, Hosea does fine, and there’s no way to know how Melissa actually did because her habanero with extra spice can’t be appreciated when there’s no sensation left in your mouth.  Colicchio dodges off-screen to spit the food out.  Not quite as much fun as when Padma does it, but still a treat to watch the panic shoot across his face.  Carla and Radhika run out of time, and Leah’s stage fright might have eliminated her.

Deliberation: Jamie’s raw egg, Alex’s unfinished brûlée, and Melissa’s too spicy shrimp land them in the bottom.  Dr. Chase’s confidence and hot blond locks put him in the top three, along with Ariane’s perfect presentation, and dream guest Fabio.  Padma sends everyone home and announces that Judges’ Table will be the following day.

At home, Jamie cries herself to sleep, and Alex knocks Ariane’s salad for being the easy way out.  Ariane correctly reminds us that simplicity wins this particular challenge.  Leah psychs up Boring Melissa to defend herself at Judges’ Table, assuming that Melissa wants to be there more than Alex (though you can’t tell from Melissa’s consistently blank expression).

At 2am, Colicchio wakes up Ariane, Dr. Chase, and Fabio to drag them over to The Today Show.  The hosts will judge the dishes and decide this week’s winner.  Dr. Chase complains that he’s cooking a Middle Eastern dish and serving it to women with unsophisticated palates at 6:30am, so he’s a little pissed off.  Seriously?  You’re on The Today Show, why are you complaining about free exposure?  I fire off an email to Chase about Growing Up.

Back at the apartment, the remaining contestants watch along, as Meredith Vieira leads Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford in the judging of the three dishes.  Colicchio is there, but with almost no personality, which is surprising.  Ariane’s and Fabio’s dishes go over well, but when Kathie Lee tastes Dr. Chase’s, she has to excuse herself to spit it out.  Decision time arrives, and Meredith says that maybe it wasn’t the most original, but it doesn’t matter, because “good is good.”  Ariane wins!

At Judge’s Table, Ariane receives a final gift from Rocco the Tool – uh, I mean, receives a collection of Rocco’s favorite tools.  Also, she’ll present her dish live on The Today Show.  Psh.  Unsophisticated palates.  To the losers!

Boring Melissa defends her habaneros, but Rocco doesn’t buy it and calls it inedible.  Gail says you don’t want people at home messing with that kind of ingredient.  Jamie gets defensive and tries the “I don’t know what I was thinking but I learned from my mistakes” excuse.  Rocco tells her even so, she recoiled and became angry when her food was criticized.  Alex admits he chose the wrong dish, but the whole point of this competition is to challenge yourself.  Tom corrects him by saying, “The whole point of this competition is to win.”

Boring Melissa sums up by saying that she really wants to be here, as her priorities are in order, but stops short in calling out Alex for being distracted by his impending wedding.

Rocco points out that all three dishes were inedible, so they could all go home.  Rocco calls Jamie’s performance unforgivable, and Melissa’s defensiveness over her spice was unacceptable.  Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the Rocco DiSpirito Show!  Alex simply had no chance of completing his dish.  His presentation was fine, but he never made the crème brûlée.

In the Stew Room, Hosea and Leah flirt some more.  I hope this goes somewhere, otherwise pointing out their “sexual chemistry” (per Carla), is a waste of time.  Finally, bring the losers back out, and Alex goes home!  On his exit, he wishes he had stuck to his guns.  Which he did, of course, by not abandoning his decision to do dessert.  He leaves with the dreams of a happy marriage in his head, and no bitterness in his heart.  I send him an email about marriage.

I hope you were taking notes, because now we have a new pool to take bets on.  Stefan was our early winner for villain, but this week Jamie’s bitch-liciousness showed itself even more.  Dr. Chase practically throws a tantrum for having to cook for women who don’t eat fancy food, and Boring Melissa remains just as boring but shows she’s willing to cut someone to win.  And I think she would actually cut someone, not throw a timer in front of their face to make them stop talking.

Next week: Gail’s bridal shower, Fabio charms the ladies, and Jamie’s in full bully mode!

Season 5, Episode 4: Today Show: Rocco DiSpirito (originally aired December 3, 2008)

For another take on this episode, check out If My Friends Could See Me Now by J.B. Perlow.

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