Transporter 3

Want to know if you’re going to like Transporter 3? Let’s take a short quiz to find out. Please answer as honestly as you can. No one will know your answers but you.

1. Did you like The Transporter?

2. Did you like Transporter 2?

3. Are you a guy?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, Congratulations! You will thoroughly enjoy Transporter 3!

You should know I enjoyed this film only because of my love for Jason Statham. Trust me. I wasn’t there for groundbreaking scriptwriting or cinematography. And if you’ve seen the previews, then you know that Statham fights shirtless at least once, so two thumbs up right there! When I buy this on DVD, and I will (preferably on high definition Blu-ray), you can guess which scenes I’ll be pausing and replaying.

As to the movie itself, Transporter 3 is outrageous. Like the previous two, the plot is ridiculous, the stunts unbelievable, the characters over-the-top, the acting mostly passable. However, it also contains excellent car chases, a beautiful Audi, some killer fight sequences, and an uncomplicated story. And in keeping with current events, the storyline is even environmentally friendly. Happy holidays, indeed!

You know how it goes. Frank Martin (Statham) must transport a package to coordinates provided by the Villain, Johnson (he’s so villainous, he only gets one name!). Robert Knepper of Prison Break plays Johnson, so you know he’s oily and evil immediately. However, even he can only do so much with a two-dimensional character. In transit, complications arise, stunts, car chases and fistfights appear at random, and the guy gets the girl as he delivers his package on time.

How outrageous does it get? At one point, Frank Martin ends up in the river, drowning with his car. I’m not giving anything away here, but yeah, he lives. The escape itself soars beyond unbelievable. The only person who could outdo that kind of craftsmanship is Chuck Norris, who would have flexed his pinky and lifted the car clear out of the water, and then flexed his fist and emptied the river of any remaining garbage, making it once again a safe haven of eco-friendliness, while saving the entire planet at the same time.

If this seems too much for you, I remind you of the quiz. If you liked the first two movies, there’s no reason not to like the third. For the record, I found the second film mostly unwatchable, and therefore an ending to the franchise. When I asked my brother, prior to this viewing, how they could even think of making a third one after how awful the second film was, my brother explained that this is exactly the kind of movie guys like. So, there you have it, guys. Don’t blame me if I’m wrong. Blame my brother.

However, he also raised a good point. He’s all about the female hotties, but drew the line against the film’s love interest, right at the point where she started having dialogue. I didn’t think he’d mind some cringe-inducing exchanges with a gorgeous woman, but he did, and thank heavens for some standards. Natalya Rudakova is beautiful, but the script does her no justice. She’s another example of the element that drags down all of the Transporter films, which is the female lead injected into a fully testosterone script. Either throw in gratuitous sex, or take the woman out. This floundering with real love and deep emotional ties weighs the movies down. The burgeoning love of two completely incompatible people without a drop of chemistry slowed down the last third of the film. We lost the constant action, which hooked us early, and the film only picked up again in the last few minutes.

Transporter 3 is James Bond’s made-for-SpikeTV younger cousin. It has all the makings of a great franchise, with excellent car chases and fight sequences, and a great lead. But it’s also the type of movie that Steven Segal would have headlined twenty years ago, or Jean Claude Van Damme ten years ago. Jason Statham is a bigger, more versatile star, and I hope he finds himself another film like Snatch, so he can avoid the same fate. In the meantime, fill up that popcorn and soda, check your brain at the door, and if you’re a guy, glory in the ridiculousness of utter action nonsense. And if you’re the girl he dragged along: Enjoy the eye candy. Because again – two thumbs up right there.