30 Rock: Classic Lemon Man-Eater!

Well, they can’t all be winners, folks.  Even with Salma Hayek’s breasts.

This week, 30 Rock returns!  Enter Salma Hayek, Peter Dinklage, and January’s very special guest, cancer!  First Nip/Tuck, now 30 Rock.  Happy New Year!

We start with Liz going baby crazy and Jenna going delusional crazy.  Liz mistakes a Little Person for a child and ends up guilted into a surprisingly enjoyable date (I know, right?  With a short guy?  Crazy sitcoms!), and Jenna mistakes being able to sing a few bars as a good Janis Joplin impression and lands the lead in Sheinhardt’s proposed Joplin biopic.  Trust me that the Jenna-as-Joplin thing goes nowhere, except to set up a few average Joplin imitations.  So … let’s move on.

Meanwhile, Elisa, aka the Muse, aka Hayek, settles in at Jack’s residence.  She’ll be caring for Jack’s unfortunately injured mother, who sadly is relegated to one off-screen line and never seen or heard from again.  Instead we get more Hayek, which doesn’t seem fair to the audience.  Cancer and Hayek?

But Jack likes her because she saves him from having to towel-dry his mother, and, let’s face it – she looks like Salma Hayek.  That night, he reveals to Elisa his cynical-in-love side.  Jackie-boy doesn’t believe in Ms. Right, he believes in Ms. Right Now, and is off to dinner with her.  His date (“the lady will be having the tasting menu … instead of any of it, she’ll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it…”) ends abruptly when he, uh, fondles himself in the Men’s Room and discovers a testicle lump.  You boys and your bathroom breaks.   Is that what you’re doing in there?

Elsewhere, Liz sets a second-date record and ruins yet another burgeoning relationship by treating her Little Man like a little boy, protecting him from fire and warning him about crossing the street.  He cottons on to the fact that Liz only accepted his romantic overtures because of her mistaking him for a child.  Awkward!  He storms off with a lot more class than Cleveland.

The next morning, a worried Jack accidentally-on-purpose reveals to Elisa his bathroom discovery.  She on-purpose-accidentally reaches in for a feel – or rather, an “exam,” as the kids call it these days – and suggests he visit a doctor.  “Thank you for telling me what I already know.  You should work for the Huffington Post.”  He resolves to have it checked, and spurns her offer of compassion.  It’s all very, “I wasn’t pushing you away, I was pulling me toward myself.”

Back at 30 Rock, Jack’s potential brush with death causes him to freak out on Jenna about finding a soul mate, and no one loves Alec Baldwin more than me … well, maybe Alec Baldwin does, but just because he’s an Emmy favorite as Jack Donaghy doesn’t mean we have to abandon the Jack Donaghy of the early days.  Remember when he snuck around with Condoleezza Rice?  His love affair with Democrat Celeste Cunningham?  Old Hollow Bones Phoebe?  I wouldn’t call him a romantic, but this guy understands relationships and connecting with women.  All of a sudden he’s a cynical, live alone-die alone kind of guy?

Anyway, he tries to deal, and Liz tries to patch things up with Little Man Stuart.  Because, sure, he’s short, but he’s also interesting and just like a real person.  She calls him and tries to smooth things over by explaining her baby-craziness and honest mistake.  She sets up a date with a barely receptive Stu to meet on the Brooklyn Bridge on Saturday, if he’s willing to give her a second chance.  Just like Miranda and Steve in the Sex and the City movie.  I think I’m one of only four women in the U.S. who hasn’t watched that movie.  But I did go see Twilight, so shame on me anyway.  Stu hangs up, non-committal.

Jack, in his crisis about connecting with people, ignores his usual go-to person, Liz, and shows up at Prospect Park, looking for Elisa, who mentioned she’d be there celebrating her niece’s quinciñera.  She’s dancing the Macarena with her large family.  This scene is dominated by Puerto Ricans and Salma Hayek’s breasts.  Jack sticks around and immediately bonds.

Back at 30 Rock, Liz meets Jack in the hall and seeks his advice about Stuart.  Notably, Tracy stands to the side being fitted for armor, with long black elf hair and pointy elf ears.  No one mentions a word about his costume, and he contributes to the conversation as non-sensically as he always does, but the visual alone is the funniest part of this episode.

Jack tells Liz to go for it with her Shorty and proclaims his love for Elisa.  He’s overjoyed at not having to die alone, but a phone call from his doctor sobers him as he learns the good news that his lumpy balls are harmless.

Saturday, at the Brooklyn Bridge, Liz approaches her Little, Manly dreamboat, only to discover she’s approached an eight-year old.  The boy’s mother rushes him away from the aggressive, nerdy lady, and there’s Stu.  He pulls a page from Lemon’s book, giving up and shaking his head with a “Shut it down!”

But happy endings are still in the air, because not only is Jack cancer-free (sorry, Christian), but he arrives home to Salma Hayek and slaps a big wet kiss on her.  Condoleezza who?

And that’s it!  So at first, I was a little insulted by the depiction of Salma Hayek’s stereotypical Hispanic girl, with her big hoop earrings, her showy boobs, large family and Macarena dancing.  Then I realized that I’m only half-Hispanic, and I go around in my big hoop earrings, show off my boobs, and come from a large family.  So … stereotypical or on point?  I’m half-White too, which is why the macarena doesn’t apply here.  Seriously, watch any Campos family member dance, and our lack of rhythm immediately cancels out our Latin roots.  It’s embarrassing, but there you have it.

Season 3, Episode 7: Señor Macho Solo (originally aired January 8, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out A Blaffair to Rememblack by Robin Reed.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC