Golden Globes Primer

I don’t know if award shows are harder on the people nominated or the viewers who have to sit back and passively watch the proceedings on tv, powerless to influence the outcome. Or maybe I’m just thinking about myself. Every year, the awards season for me is a season in hell. I’ve shattered more glass objects and shouted more obscenities throughout all the various telecasts than I’d like to admit, because in my book, the Judging Powers That Be get it wrong more often than they get it right. I often wish I could just barricade myself in a cave and live in blissful ignorance until the spring, avoiding all the hoopla like the plague. But I can’t, and instead of shooting myself up with horse tranquilizers and remaining catatonic, I’ve resigned myself to being on the front lines.

Speaking of resigning oneself, I have also resigned myself to the fact that this will not be the best awards year of my life, as I had foolishly believed it would be up until only recently. As a lifelong Batman fanatic who still remembers walking out of the opening day screening of Batman & Robin in summer 1997, ten years old and tears streaming down my face, let’s just say that seeing The Dark Knight was one of the most emotional, transcendental experiences of my life.

Except for the unfortunate casting of Impossibly Hideous Whiny Twitface Gnome Lady (a.k.a. Maggie Gyllenhaal), Christopher Nolan delivered not only an impossibly perfect Batman movie, but one of the best-crafted films I’ve ever seen, and that’s one of the best out of thousands. I was already convinced that Nolan was one of the most talented, sure-handed filmmakers on the planet based on Memento and Insomnia, and then when I heard he was taking on Batman, I was thrilled to no end. I can’t think of anyone else I’d want making Batman movies (except me of course, and at this time I’d like to formally throw my name in the hat to be considered by Jeff Robinov and Alan Horn and all the folks at Warner Brothers to take over the franchise should Nolan decide to retire from it).

And the miracle of it was, I wasn’t alone! Everybody in their right mind saw The Dark Knight and proclaimed it a masterpiece. You’d have to be living in the cave I expressed desire to live in to not know that The Dark Knight is the second biggest movie of all time, the most successful sequel ever, and one of the very best-reviewed movies of 2008 with a staggering 94% approval rating on rottentomatoes.com. And as an impossible bonus for me, my lifelong idol Clint Eastwood chose 2008 to deliver the performance of a lifetime in Gran Torino and subsequently generated mountains of acclaim and awards buzz. SO IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS COMPLETELY SNUBBED THE DARK KNIGHT, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, AND CLINT EASTWOOD.

Just the act of typing the preceding sentence makes my blood pressure skyrocket like Apollo 13. It’s an absolute joke. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is an absolute joke…and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Including me, about seven people watched last year’s Golden Globes telecast, and the HFPA has been criticized significantly over the years-by people and organizations both affiliated with and independent from the film industry-as functioning like an exclusive attention-seeking club that drools over gifts and lobbying efforts from artists and studios trying to win awards. Put more simply, they can be bought with a little champagne and movie star rub-a-dub-dub. And given that the organization comprises journalists who cover Hollywood and U.S. film but are affiliated with publications outside of America, foreigners always have an edge…which makes the Nolan snub even more astoundingly stupid because the guy was born and spent most of his life in London!

The way I see it, Clint Eastwood (or Frank Langella) should win Best Actor, Drama, and The Dark Knight and Christopher Nolan should win everything else. But none of that will happen. The possibility for it to happen doesn’t even exist because save for Langella, they weren’t nominated, and I’m deeply afraid that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) will unfathomably follow their lead.

So what did get nominated for the 66^th Annual (ought to be 666^th if you ask me) Golden Globe Awards? Well Frost/Nixon, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Doubt scored a leading five nominations apiece. As anyone who has ever watched the proceedings knows, unlike the Oscars, the Globes have two Best Picture categories, one for drama and one for comedy. I think that’s a rather philistine system, because it necessitates that all films fit into a clearly-defined genre package with a pretty bow on top, and many don’t. They repeat that system for best actor and actress as well. The same goes for all the tv stuff. And just to prove that they can screw the pooch one more time, the HFPA only has one category for Best Screenplay, choosing not to split it up into Best Original and Best Adapted Screenplay. The rest is pretty standard.

I’m not going to list all of the nominations, which can be found at sites like http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b72803_complete_list_of_nominations_2009.html if you want to give yourself a refresher course. I promise not to complain anymore. Er, actually, to be fair, I promise to try not to complain anymore. From here on out I figure I”ll just go through the major categories and state what I think should win (out of what was nominated) and what I think will win because clearly I grasp so fully the HFPA’s thought process. Okay, here we go.

For Best Motion Picture, Drama, I think Frost/Nixon should win. For why, you can read my review of the film. However, I think it will come down to either The Curious Case of Benjamin Button or Slumdog Millionaire. Button is the kind of sprawling, whimsical, period fable that tends to blow voters’ skirts up. And golly gee Brad Pitt is just so freakin’ cute. Slumdog, meanwhile, is the kind of uplifting, touching, energetic (and dare I say, more than a little trite) little movie that could that also always does well. I think it will be Button though, just because it is so different from the other nominees and boasts all-important star power.

For Best Motion Picture, Comedy, I think In Bruges should win without question. It’s a completely unique film that is gut-bustingly (yes, that’s a word) funny and heartbreaking…sometimes both at the same time. The plot often turns on a dime, it never goes where you think it is going to, and it boasts a trio of phenomenal performances. But it’s way too dark to win, and too few people have seen it. I think it will come down to Vicky Cristina Barcelona because it has foreign stars and flavor or Mamma Mia! (kill me please, and fast) because it’s just so frothy and spirited and fun…and it has Meryl Streep in it. Yeah, Mamma Mia! will take it.

Best Actor, Drama should go to Frank Langella who achieved the impossible by making viewers feel sympathy for Richard Nixon as a man…but it won’t. My money is on Sean Penn for Milk, though he could be upset by Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler because everyone loves a comeback story.

I would give Best Actress, Drama to Kate Winslet for Revolutionary Road. Winslet always brings an intelligent complexity to her roles, and she has been snubbed all too often. I think Meryl Streep is a strong contender because she’s Meryl Streep and would get an awards nomination if she did a Rice Krispies commercial, plus she uglied herself up for Doubt and voters always love that. But Kristen Scott Thomas has been widely praised for I’ve Loved You So Long, which has the foreign thing going for it. Anne Hathaway has also gotten tons of buzz for Rachel Getting Married, so I have no idea who is going to win that one.

Best Actor, Comedy should be Brendan Gleeson for In Bruges but I think it will come down to either Dustin Hoffman for Last Chance Harvey because he’s the biggest movie star of the nominees, or Javier Bardem for Vicky Cristina Barcelona because he’s a foreigner and is just such a handsome man.

Supporting Actor should be and will be Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight. As for Supporting Actress, I think this one is wide open too. It could be Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona because she is well-regarded (and a foreigner), but it could also very well be Kate Winslet for The Reader for the same reasons. Marisa Tomei has also gotten lots of buzz for The Wrestler. If I had to bet on this one I would say Winslet is going to take it, because she won’t get Best Actress for Revolutionary Road.

Director will probably be David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button because, like I said before, the film is just so different from everything else that it stands out. I think Ron Howard should take it for Frost/Nixon, because he made two guys sitting in chairs talking to each other cinematic and thrilling. Of course Danny Boyle shouldn’t be counted out to win for Slumdog Millionaire just because like I said, it’s the most upbeat of the bunch.

I’m not going to get into the screenplay or score categories because, let’s be honest, how much of this do you want to read. Moving on to television, I think Mad Men will win television drama, and I’m cool with that. I think Sally Field will win Best Actress, TV Drama, for Brothers & Sisters, though Mariska Hargitay wins something for Law & Order:SVU every ten seconds. Best Actor, TV Drama could very well be Hugh Laurie once again for House, or Jon Hamm for Mad Men. The upset could be Jonathan Rhys Meyers for The Tudors. I really don’t know or care in this instance.

Best TV Series, Comedy should be Californication in my book, but there’s a lot of love for Entourage, The Office, and 30 Rock. I don’t watch any of those shows (I know, I’m a freak), so I’m not really qualified to comment further. As for the rest of the television awards, the only one I really care about is Denis Leary. I think he should win Best Supporting Actor for Recount, just like he should have won multiple times for writing and starring in FX’s landmark Rescue Me. But he won’t win, so I’m trying not to think about it.

There is more to say, but I think I’ve said enough, and I’m sure that if there were anyone who stayed with my ramblings up until now, they would more than agree with me. So there you have it. The Globes telecast is this Sunday, January 11^th, from 8-11 p.m. EST. Watch them at your peril, and if you’re like me, try to maintain your composure and refrain from breaking every household item you can get your hands on.

For more on the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards, click here.

For more movies, click here.

For more television shows, click here.