Golden Globes Recap: Real Time Reactions

Since I was assigned to do a write-up on this year’s Golden Globes, I was forced to relegate the long, long awaited season premiere of my beloved 24 to the frozen reaches of my DVR.  To compensate, I have decided to write this recap liveblog style.  I’m sure Jack Bauer would be pleased.

The following takes place between the hours of 7 and 11 on the day of the Golden Globe Awards.  Events Occur in Real Time.

7:01 Dammit, NBC has the Jonas Brothers and Ryan Seacrest won’t shut up about Debra Messing’s earrings on E!.  Considering a switch to the History Channel.

7:06 Amy Adams!  So relieved I can enjoy how hot she is without feeling all weird about it like I did during Doubt.

7:18 Elisabeth Moss is awesome because she’s crazy talented and two entirely different kinds of good lookin’: 60s cute on Mad Men, and just plain sexy on the red carpet.

7:20 Umm… yeah, Tiki Barber.  Blair Underwood was on L.A. Law, not Law & Order, but whatevs I guess…

7:22 Take a drink every time someone grills the cast of The Dark Knight about Heath Ledger.  Decidedly ironic death may follow.

7:24 Gaa!  Nancy O’Dell stole Jessica Simpson’s hair and then marinated in Mystic Tan for 36 hours.

7:28 A friend just remarked aloud that Zac Efron kinda looks like the kid from Hairspray.  True.

7:38 Marisa Tomei is back!  Will The Wrestler co-star prove herself more than a Hollywood punchline for her one hit wonder supporting actress Oscar (My Cousin Vinny, 1992)?  Time will tell.

7:43 Here’s one for all the Family Guy fans out there: “Seabiscuit!  Would you like to talk to E!?  ‘I’m not Seabiscuit.  I’m Penelope Cruz.’   That’s nice.  Would you like a carrot?”

7:47 Sting looks like Yukon Cornelius.  That’s unfortunate.

7:50 Diddy in the house!

7:52 Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore are both looking quite old and trashy.  Strike 1 and 2 for the Angels.

8:00 Showtime!  J. Lo’s presenting supporting actress in a drama.  Winner is… Kate Winslet for The Reader.  Hope this means Revolutionary Road will fall by the wayside.  I am SO not looking forward to that one.

8:07 Springsteen takes best song for a titular ballad from The Wrestler.  The Boss is just one icon of American music I could care less about.

8:14 The finally famous Simon Baker (The Mentalist) presents supporting actor from TV drama, comedy, or miniseries.  I hate that the ever mysterious Hollywood Foreign Press Association conglomerates the genres.  Pitting Neil Patrick Harris against winner Tom Wilkinson just isn’t fair.  Laura Dern takes supporting actress for her role in Recount.  Bless her soul, I’ll just never be able to see her as anything other than raptor bait.

8:27 Eva Mendez is relegated to presenting the president of the HFPA, who gives an awesomely short speech.  Word.

8:29 What?  Gabriel Byrne for best actor in a TV drama over Jon Hamm and Michael C. Hall?  Not.  Cool.

8:30 It’s the new Kirk & Spock!  Major nerdgasm.  Even cooler: the talented & gorgeous Anna Paquin takes best actress in a drama for True Blood.  Touchdown!  Way to take down the likes of Sally Field & Mariska Hargitay.

8:36 Ricky Gervais shushes the crowd and my heart soars.  Claims credit for Kate Winslet’s win, bemoans the lack of a gag reel in Holocaust movies, and wonders why sleeping with the entire HFPA didn’t net him a nod for Ghost Town.  Presenters, the bar has been set.

8:40 Wall*E wins best animated feature.  Duh.

8:42 Johnny Depp is either getting over a cold or just doesn’t give a damn.  Congrats to Happy Go Lucky‘s Sally Hawkins for taking best actress in a comedy.

8:46 Sally Hawkins is still talking.  Crossed the line from sweetly starstruck newcomer to awkward rambler a little while ago.

8:53 John Adams takes best mini-series/TV movie to the surprise of precisely no one.  As much as I fear the notion of Paul Giamatti in an 18^th century sex scene, I truly must Netflix it.

8:57 Demi Moore is still the flyest cougar in tinsel town.  Rowr!

8:59 Dark Knight director Chris Nolan accepts Heath Ledger’s inevitable but well deserved win for supporting actor.

9:05 Clever move letting Tom Brokaw present the Frost/Nixon clip.

9:07 Who the flip let Justin Bobby from The Hills present best foreign language film?  What?  That’s Colin Farrell?  Gross.  And the winner is Waltz With Bashir, an Israeli animated feature about the horrors of war.

9:09 Harvey Dent & Rachel Dawes are back from the dead and presenting… best actress in a TV movie?  Laura Linney adds another win to the John Adams coffer.

9:19 Seth Rogen claims to have been coking out with Mickey Rourke.  Too mean?  The man still looks fairly unwell.  Slumdog Millionaire takes best screenplay.  Token acknowledgment or the first of many wins?

9:22 Alec Baldwin takes comedy actor for his consistently awesome performance on 30 Rock.  Shout out to Tina Fey, looking nerdishly beautiful as usual.  Thanks his daughter for making him laugh, but is he laughing at her tears while he slings drunken insults?

9:28 Great Christ, why does Renée Zellweger look like Sharon Stone without makeup?

Frack.

9:30 Paul Giamatti.  John Adams.  Nuff said.

9:35 Go 30 Rock!   Tracy Morgan is apparently the face of post-racial America and Cate Blanchett can deal with it.  Briefly makes a case for unseating Gervais from the funniest speech pedestal, but not quite.  Still fun, though.

9:43 Diddy hopes we’re having a good time & Kate Beckinsale wishes he would let her talk.  Slumdog takes best score.  Do I smell a steamrolling?

9:45 Oh, that’s nice.  David Duchovny and Téa Leoni are back together and presenting best comedy actress.  Wait, that’s Jane Krakowski.  My bad.

9:47 Krakowski gets to present to 30 Rock homegirl and A-1 celeb crush Tina Fey.  An adorably flustered Fey pulls off a great bit telling her web critics what they can go do with themselves.

9:55 Martin Scorsese presents the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award to Steven Spielberg.  Good call.  Truly the greatest filmmaker of my lifetime.  Glad Amistad, which I consider a forgotten gem, got a shout out in his body of work montage.  But no love for Always?

10:12 Emma Thompson is definitely drunk.  So’s Dustin Hoffman!  And Danny Boyle, who is a curiously elfin chap, snags best director.  Slumdog Millionaire is the new John Adams.

10:16 Why is Sigourney Weaver doing a Lifetime movie?  Why won’t someone make a sequel to Galaxy Quest?  How many rhetorical questions will I ask to distract myself from the Rev Road clip reel?

10:18 Sandra Bullock can still turn on the charm and whimsy when necessary.  Colin Farrell wins supporting actor for In Bruges and proceeds to lose his mind.  Turns out love is ignorance’s nemesis, whatever that means.  In spite of this rambling madness, I’d like to rent In Bruges if for no other reason than to help rid the lingering sting of Pride and Glory from my mind.

10:28 C’mon, Sasha Baron Cohen.  You can do better than plastic surgery gags and Charlie Sheen/hooker jokes.  And I’d be half tempted to give a crap that Vicky Cristina Barcelona won best comedy if only Woody Allen had shown up in person to accept.

10:37 Cameron Diaz and Mark Wahlberg star in an all awkward banter screen epic before presenting best actress in a drama to surprise double winner Kate Winslet.  Damn.  Now there’s simply no avoiding Rev Road.  I see a begrudging 10PM showing in my future with a flask in my coat pocket.  At least her speech is plenty charming.

10:43 Blake Lively & Rainn Wilson forget to start reading the list of best TV drama nominees.  Hooray for booze.  Hooray also for Mad Men.

10:50 Mickey Rourke takes best actor for The Wrestler!  Quite the heartfelt speech, in spite of two references to balls and a personal thank you to his dogs.  I’m a little surprised he upended Sean Penn, but I’m more excited than ever to see The Wrestler, and the best actor Oscar race will really be an exciting one.

11:00 PM Slumdog takes best picture and with it an enormous head of steam for the Oscar race.

Fun show overall, but it’ll never take the place of the wacky grandeur inherent to its big brother awards shows, the Oscars and Emmys.  Also, what was with the surprisingly high number of nominee no-shows?  My money’s on an illicit substance fueled key party in an unusually spacious coat closet in the lobby of the Beverly Hilton.

For more on the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards, click here.

For more movies, click here.

For more television shows, click here.

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Golden Globe® Awards 2009 – © MMIX Hollywood Foreign Press Association®
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