Paul Blart: Mall Cop – A Big Fat Nothing

I’ve been trying to think of reasons why you should go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Nothing comes to mind. Wait!  There was the preview that seemed funny enough, but that you can watch online.  So, nope. I got nothing which is appropriate because this movie is a big fat nothing and a waste of the ticket price.

An interesting story, however.  When I went to purchase my ticket at the automated machine, a woman was trying to purchase tickets for her and her son right next to me. The manager came over when she had a problem and told her that because of technical difficulties, the theater could not show her original choice, Bedtime Stories, this weekend. He was happy to recommend Paul Blart as another family movie.

As the opening credits roll, you realize that Adam Sandler is a producer. Coincidence? Could Adam Sandler have sabotaged his own movie in order to drive the family masses to Paul Blart, thereby making one of the worst movies ever made into a Number One Family Comedy?

How could something so wrong, happen the same week that something so right happens? What is going on here, America?

Let’s be fair. Paul Blart is not the worst movie ever made. That would be Twilight. But it is one of only three movies I’ve ever considered walking out of. The other one is Van Helsing, and only a lack of communication amongst all attendees kept us watching that garbage. They can’t all be winners, can they, Hugh Jackman?

And just like Hugh, I realized that my streak of good movies had to end. Where’s Jason Statham when you need him?

Instead, we have Kevin James. I do like Kevin James. He had the only show on CBS I’d consider ever watching. I enjoy him every other time I see him. I’m also all for movies in malls, especially of a juvenile persuasion. I like seeing guys drink too much and make fools of themselves, and people who bond with their kids and find true love and take down the bad guys. Unfortunately, every other movie you’ve seen with these plot elements does it better.

The movie picks up when Paul Blart turns into Rambo/John McClane, but even that seems like a half-hearted attempt at parody. I’ve been trying to figure out the demographic for this movie, and while I think Officer Blart wants to aim high for the adults, it falls just flat enough for kids to enjoy. Sure, even I laughed a few times, but I was also checking my watch to see how much longer was left in a ninety minute movie.

So, yes, if you have kids and all the other family movies are sold out, go watch Paul Blart. But don’t tell anyone I told you to. Instead, I highly recommend My Bloody Valentine (in 3D!!), but only because it’s funnier. Though you should probably leave the kids at home. Probably.

Photographs courtesy of imdbpro.com.