Top Chef: Who’s Got the Balls?

And we’re back!  Did you miss the chefs, the bickering, the Europeans and the lesbian, the cougar and Crazy Carla?  Did you ever notice that Dr. Chase winks at us in the opening titles?  Who is this guy?

We open with Eugene “pissed” at his poor performance and Boring Melissa admitting surprise.  Apparently, she joined the show assuming there would be no pressure involved in the competition.  I roll my eyes almost constantly while this idiot’s onscreen.  Jamie’s in a bad mood because she’s been sucking.  I, however, hope it leads to a quick elimination.

Quickfire.  Let the cross-promotion begin!  Guest judge: Jean-Christophe Novelli, who will soon be on Bravo in his own show, Chef Academy.  Now I roll my eyes at Bravo.  The Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire challenge is to create the ultimate sweet treat, sans sugar.  Naturally, some people freak out because it’s occurred to no one to prepare a repertoire of desserts before arriving for the show, even though there are always dessert challenges.

As Novelli judges and begins by dismissing Fabio’s contribution, Fabio breaks it down that everything in Europe is between Italy and France, “even the final of the World Cup, three years ago.”  Ha!  How awesome would it be if Novelli head-butts Fabio?  Novelli eventually declares Carla, Ariane, and Jamie as his bottom three choices, and Radhika, Leah, and Dr. Chase as his favorites.  And Radhika wins immunity again!  Poor Dr. Chase.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

That night, prior to the Elimination Challenge, Eugene talks to his wife and kids over the phone.  Sadly, the guy making the phone call home is usually the person eliminated.  I really was hoping it was Melissa this week.

Elimination challenge.  Prepare a family style meal for a blind tasting, with new judge Toby Young replacing Gail for the remainder of the season.  Because everyone was safe last challenge, two people will go home this week.  Fear spreads to everyone but Radhika.  Another good week to win immunity.

The chefs split into two groups, and will cook in turns.  Radhika, as the Quickfire winner, can choose which group she’d like to cook with, and she chooses the team that Stefan is not on, as he’s a bit incendiary in the kitchen.  Group A consists of Fabio, Hosea, Radhika, Eugene, Boring Melissa, and Jamie, and Group B consists of Chase, Crazy Carla, Ariane, Stefan, and Leah.

During prep, Jamie goes on about her amazing scallops, and Fabio laments, “All she does is scallops.  For Christ’s sake.  This is Top Chef, not Top Scallops!

Meanwhile, Eugene, hot off his repeated bottom three performances, seems more confident than he should be.  He congratulates his originality for a while, because he’s got “the balls” to cook dishes the other chefs don’t.  Or they’re smarter and stick to stronger, more consistent dishes, but what do I know?  Hosea criticizes Boring Melissa for playing it safe with her fish tacos.  Fabio discovers his lamb is undercooked, and worries.

Group A steps out to present their dishes (without laying claim to anything specific), only to find Group B seated around the dining table with the judges: they’ll be judging their competitors’ dishes!  Similar to this episode, but with potentially less bitterness.  Everyone has a good laugh, but Group B has a definite advantage.  However, when Group A returns to the kitchen, there’s a television set up for them to watch the critiques.

Radhika’s soup is too spicy, ripped apart especially by Toby Young.  Hosea’s vegetables upstage his meat.  Jamie’s scallops receive high marks from Dr. Chase and the judges.  Damn.  Fabio’s lamb was undercooked but the pasta portion was perfect.  Toby calls Eugene’s fish “the bland leading the bland.”  Boring Melissa’s fish tacos “tasted a bit like cat food.”

And the switch!  Stefan’s dish goes over well, despite Radhika’s objections.  Colicchio calls Chase’s presentation a trio of appetizers, not a dish.  Which sums up Chase’s performance all season so far: he tries too hard.  Toby Young compares it to Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder: an unexpected treat.  By the way, this is the second movie reference Young has made, which convinces me that he writes about food because he’d rather be writing about movies and just couldn’t get the job.  You know, like the girls in high school who made the kickline because they weren’t good enough to make the cheerleading squad.  Or is that just how it went at my school?  Anyway, Colicchio still disagrees, and so do I, because I hate Tom Cruise.

Ariane’s Skate wing receives rave reviews.  Leah’s seared rouget draws mixed reviews.  Carla’s scallops and risotto fail with everyone.

Judges’ Table.  Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie are called for Top 3.  Stefan and Jamie think they’re pretty awesome, Ariane’s just happy to be there.  I’m not sure who’s more smug and arrogant in this section: Jamie, or Toby Young.  He’s pretty in love with his voice and his metaphors, which are all over the place, and Jamie’s just Jamie.  All three chefs receive compliments and congratulations, but it’s Jamie who wins (“I definitely think I deserved it”).  As usual, so humble.

Bottom Three: Boring Melissa, Eugene, and Crazy Carla.  Melissa tries to stay positive, but Colicchio calls her dish a failure of imagination.  “If we ask you to do a dish that’s going to wow us, fish tacos doesn’t come to mind.”  Wow.  Nice.  Eugene uses his “thinking outside the box” as his major defense.  Carla admits she made some bad choices.

The judges deliberate, and when the chefs return, Colicchio summates each perfectly: Eugene is wildly creative, but his skill level needs to catch up.  Melissa showed who she was, but also displayed a lack of imagination and creativity.  Carla over thought and overworked her dish.

And so … Boring Melissa and Eugene are sent packing!  I’m sorry to see Eugene go, but he accepts defeat with grace.  Boring Melissa says something boring.  I’m just glad to see Crazy Carla around for another week.

So it’s about that time to set the appletini wager.  This one’s a lot tougher than the Project Runway final four, but I’m willing to take Perlow on for another round of drinks.  Stefan’s likely to win unless someone comes out of nowhere, because he’s the most comfortable chef in the kitchen.  I’d say he’s joined in the Top 4 by Dr. Chase, Jamie, and Fabio.  I have alternates, but I know Perlow frowns on alternates (especially when I’m right) so we’ll save it for the podcast.  Here’s to more appletinis going my way!

Next week: Hung, Hogs, and Douchebags!

Season 5, Episode 7: Focus Group (originally aired January 7, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out This is Top Scallop! by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo