Friday the 13th – Boobs, Weed, and a Guy Named Jason

I almost forgot Jason was in this movie. Really, every time I thought it was a movie about pot, they flashed some boobs. Every time I wondered why I was sitting watching bad soft porn, they flashed a machete and a hockey mask. Then it started all over again. It was enough to make you dizzy after a while.

Still, happy Friday the 13^th! The guys at Supernatural are reminding you this winter that if you can’t get enough horror on television for free, go to the movies and fork some dough over to get some of the R-rated kind – starring the guys from Supernatural! I won’t review My Bloody Valentine (3D!) for you, but I saw it, and I liked it, but only because it was in 3D and hilarious. Friday the 13^th, starring the other guy from the CW, Jared Padalecki, isn’t as cute as Jensen Ackles, but his film is much better. And, well, he’ll do in a crisis, am I right, ladies?

There really isn’t much to say about the latest installment in the Jason series. At Comic Con, two of the movie’s producers joined stars Padalecki and Derek Mears to promote the film. They did an awful job of it. Someone asked why they felt it necessary to make yet another sequel, and the producers basically responded, “Why not?” That, essentially, summed up the promotion for the movie. Sure we didn’t need to make this movie, but why not? So if they didn’t really have much to say about the film, don’t be upset if I couldn’t come up with much more.

The story, in case you’re wondering, involves campers who go missing after a night spent at Crystal Lake. The brother (Padalecki) of one of the missing women arrives six months later to search the area himself. If you like horror movies, you’re going to like this one. Though it felt much longer than its ninety-five minute run time, Jason is still a violent, angry son-of-a-bitch. The deaths are gruesome without being over the top, cringe-worthy if a little cliché, and there are definitely a few moments that should have you jumping. The story updates to modernize Jason’s mythos work well enough to make you question midnight noises during your next camping trip, and the creative team does a fine job of making Jason a believable menace.

The minor characters, or those actors doubling as Body Count, are all passable if mostly un-memorable. Most of the women, for example, weren’t hired for their acting abilities. Cup size, I think, played a more important factor on the resume. That leaves the men, and they are your usual hot-blooded youths, stoners, and bad boys. I’m not even sure half the cast were given actual names. Blonde Male and Double D Female didn’t come up on the credits, so who knows? I mean for real – what woman water skis topless?

Derek Mears pointed out at Comic Con that he inserted mini-homages to past Jasons with deliberate movements (such as Jason’s signature head tilt), as a big fan of the series himself, and fans will also appreciate certain music cues as a nod to the old series. These moments come off as creepy now as they did then, holding up well in the update. But if you don’t like horror movies, skip this one. If you like movies about stoners, this may work; if you like soft porn, the producers want to hear from you; and if you stick around long enough for that guy named Jason, you’re in for a treat.