Gossip Girl: Baby, You Can Drive My Carr

Following last week‘s formal declaration of war, Blair’s first act is to serve the community before detention.  Well, she’s supervising Dorota pick up trash in Central Park.  So that’s like a punishment, right?  As Blair’s father walks by to bring Blair a picnic basket of breakfast (seriously?), Blair naturally lies about how hard she’s been working, and he’s impressed as I’m impressed by his rose-tinted glasses.  We know where this is going.  But first, why is her father even in town?  Oh wait, I bet he’s supervising her while Eleanor is on her honeymoon with Cyrus.  I’m slow like that.

Speaking of slow, Serena’s insecure about her writing abilities for new teacher, Ms. Rachel Carr, particularly when up against the writing superstar known as Dan “Lonely Boy” Humphrey.  She runs into Dan having breakfast with Ms. Carr, talking about their common experience of not being as well-off as the other students at school.  Serena is all “Rachel!  Dan?!?”  It’s inappropriate for many reasons, the very least of which is calling a teacher by her first name.

With her community service obligation complete, Blair declares Penelope & Co. need to start a take down of Ms. Carr, but the ladies aren’t interested because they don’t want detention either. (So does a detention have a preventative effect on stuck-up girls?  Discuss.)  Blair’s not taking it and has a very special moment speech, set to the music from Elle’s very special speech from Legally Blonde.  In short, if they don’t rebel against Ms. Carr, their classist system will never be the same.  Headmistress Queller puts a cork in it though as she decrees from the school steps, like Evita from Casa Rosada, that cell phones are banned from school.  Let the collection ceremony begin!  Thankfully Dorota and her speakeasy-like “shave and a haircut” knock sneaks in some cell phones for the girls.  They are Blair’s bribe so they will dig deep into that “commie cornhusker’s” past.  Wait, I thought commies don’t work, oh she means Ms. Carr!

As I think this over, Dan bumps into Rachel and there’s awkward sexual tension about her sweater (or maybe what’s underneath).  This little moment gets Spotted by Blair, who sends a Mary Kay Letourneau Alert (patent pending) to Gossip Girl.  As word gets around, Dan freaks out just in time for his weekly make/break-up moment with Serena.  Lame.

Rachel is also wondering why she’s getting funny looks from people and Serena helps out by explaining the phenomenon known as Gossip Girl.  It all ends in Queller’s office with Blair getting an earful about how the school will tolerate the students trashing each other online but not if they are talking about a teacher.  (Now that’s a lesson in double-standards.)  Queller knows Blair posted the rumor–thanks to prison yard snitch Nelly Yuki, and Queller expels Blair from school.  How will Blair get out of this?

By lying to her father, of course!  Even though he tries to give her a lesson about slander (actually, it’s probably libel, which is written defamation), she says she was telling the truth.  And as all you legal minds know, truth is an absolute defense to slander/libel.  Papa’s calling the lawyers while Blair wallows in her guilt.  Across town, Serena wants Ms. Carr to reverse Blair’s expulsion.  But Ms. Carr leaves Serena’s presence and her datebook.  Serena finds the datebook and notices she’s having dinner or something later that night.  I think we know what Serena’s going to see when she’s returning the book.

Why it’s Dan and Ms. Carr, having more awkward banter–this time about Dan being offended at her dismissive comment that she’d never have an affair with a student.  This is where bad ideas start, especially when Serena walks up and sees him wiping Carr’s tears away.  It looks more intimate than that, so naturally jealous Serena takes a picture.  Spotted!

Serena and Blair head with the photo to the PTA meeting at Constance, where Blair dramatically reveals the new photo, seeming to confirm her original post.  All the respective parents are there and witness the scene, which ends with Queller eating her foot and readmitting Blair to Constance.  Dan runs into Serena in the hallway and they fight about his meeting with Ms. Carr.  Serena realizes it was innocent.  Blair confirms as such after Carr walks out of the meeting to say she was fired.  Of course her bragging to Dan and Serena gets heard by her father, who learns he’s been played; he later tells her that he doesn’t like what she’s become as a person.

We end the night with Dan and Serena having the same conversation we see every week.  Their third (?) attempt at a relationship is now over but they feel like they had to try.  And they’ll try again in two weeks at the beginning of the Fourth Age, I’m sure.  These two are more annoying than Meredith and Dr. McDreamy.

But that’s not the end of our show.  You see, the next morning Serena apologizes to Ms. Carr, now Rachel officially, for leaking the second photo.  Ms. Carr is disappointed, but thankfully Dan shows up to apologize to Rachel and they make out . . . naked.  As I hum, “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be oh-ver-ahhhhh….,” we see Queller explain to Lily and Rufus that Ms. Carr will be reinstated since nothing ever happened between Dan and her.  As Dan continues his “biology lesson,” Serena calls him to say she wants to make up.  OF COURSE SHE DOES!  But Dan’s too busy giving, er, diction to Rachel.  And this as we cut to black in memory of Salvatore Martorano, Jr. Oh dear, I hope I get a better scene before my dedication when I die.

Oh and Chuck was away this week learning about a high roller, Eyes Wide Shut-type sex cult his father belonged to when he was alive.  Chuck is obsessed with a women, Elle, from the party; she goes to meet him but disappears before heaving back to Connecticut–just after she warned Chuck about how powerful and dangerous the men in the club are.  Snooze.  You know what else was frightening?  Vanessa showing up at Nate’s door wearing a mask meant for a sex party.  Uh oh!

Season 2, Episode 17: Carnal Knowledge (originally aired February 2, 2009)

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