The Amazing Race: White Flight

It was more fun in the Alpine hinterlands this week when the 10 remaining teams took a short leap from Switzerland to Bavaria for another hour of high flying adventure. Initial ticket booking led to yet another nasty delay for mystifyingly unsavvy flight attendants Christie & Jodie, but it was far from the first delayed flight on the leg.

Coming directly on the heels of the premiere’s spectacular bungee jumping Road Block, leg 2′s solo challenge gave racers a chance to paraglide along the path of a 9000-foot ski gondola. Mother Nature is apparently not a TAR fan, because unfavorable winds made the challenge impossible, leading most teams to take an hour-long hike down the mountain as opposed to waiting for a shift in the weather. Mel, still smarting from the nasty groin pull he sustained on Swiss Cheese Hill, knew he couldn’t make the trek on foot, so he and his son were left to hopelessly ponder their fate and pray for a miracle. Meanwhile down the mountain, Linda demonstrated the bad blood that apparently exists between rednecks and road signs by winding up so irreparably lost as to require hitching a ride from locals to get back on track. Back up top, Mel & Mike got their miracle and the timeless moral of the Tortoise and the Hare got a little affirmation when a change in the breeze and a scenic glide put the M&Ms firmly in the middle of the pack.

The detour in Austria was a choice between a two-mile Segway obstacle course (always really wanted to try one of those things) and the ever-infamous “one of these 800 things is not like the other” challenges, this time finding a cherry-filled cake among a sea of chocolate and vanilla. The fun part? Teams could only search by zinging the treats at each other’s faces. Most teams wound up a wacky mess, but several savvy duos including the indomitable M&M took the scooteriffic high road to an easy finish. And as much as I hate Kris and his stupid little hybrid beanie/ball cap thingie, I must respect him for making an apropos There’s Something About Mary reference with his hair full of sticky stuff.

After the detour, teams had but to collect a wooden token from a touristy mechanical lumberjack gizmo and proceed to the pit stop. Tammy & Victor claimed an easy first and Mike & Mel pulled a shocking reversal of fate to take second. The last half of this episode might have been little more than a hillbilly death march had it not been for many self-admitted acts of dumb blond-itude by Christie & Jodie, thus making the identity of the last place team a thing of genuine suspense. Alas, Linda’s “She Won’t Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain” moment was just too much to overcome, so Phil and his eyebrows bade the duo farewell.

Something to consider: why were Brad & Victoria such a complete non-entity this week? I know they’ve got the potential to act like bitter old WASPs, I just know they do!

Season 14, Episode 2: Your Target is Your Partner’s Face (originally aired February 22, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out In. Your. Face! by Alana D.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

Heroes: Horn-Rimmed Motivations

This week’s Heroes was one of the show’s not unprecedented but all too rare entries in which one and only one storyline took center stage. This meant no Sylar (boo!), no Hiro (yay!), and no Claire (meh), but extra doses of Matt, Mohinder, Peter, Nathan, Angela, Danko, and especially Noah. And lots of Noah Bennet is always a good thing.

After successfully drugging and capturing Noah at the end of last week, Pete, Matt, and Mo all seem eager to probe good old HRG’s memories, both to figure out why Uncle Sam hates them, but also for a few of their own reasons. Pete wants to understand his brother’s motivations and Matt wants revenge for Daphne’s death, but Mo eventually seems more interested in maintaining the Geneva Conventions than finding any meaningful explanations.

Matt’s mind probes are depicted as a series of black & white flashbacks that begin with Noah & Angela meeting to discuss the dissolution of Primatech. She tells her company man to go home, enjoy his severance package, and spend time with his family. Sounds fantastic to me, but for an inveterate workaholic like Noah, a life of crossword puzzles and PTA meetings is hell on earth. Nathan shows up at his door not to say hi to Claire as might be expected, but rather to grill Noah for advice on starting a government program to detain everyone with powers long enough to find a cure. Lemme get this straight: the man goes from actively trying to give everyone in the world powers to an aggressive effort to eliminate powers altogether? That’s some impressive all or nothing logic. Noah shows Nathan an impressive storage unit of dossiers and heavy artillery, essentially sealing a deal to join the G-men.

Back in the present, Peter uses that information to gather a few of the explosive toys they’ll need to subvert the feds and escapes military ambush with a flash grenade and his current gift of flight. More visits into Noah’s head shed light on his first meetings with Danko, his disastrous efforts to suggest the famous “one of us, one of them” approach to the detention effort (Danko would prefer mass destruction of the special over even the thought of working side by side with one), and his efforts to recruit Mohinder to the crooked cause. That’s right, Mohinder knew this was coming and said nothing. He can make up all the excuses about not believing Noah he wants, but he’s still just a spineless tool saddled with worlds of guilt and more issues than a National Geographic collection. He would have gladly stopped Noah’s interrogation and all the benefits thereof just to protect his own cowardice.

Peter takes another field trip, this time to Danko’s apartment (with Noah’s brain once again serving as his private GPS). Danko dares Pete to pull the trigger when Nathan arrives, setting off some serious “how the hell’d you get here so quickly” alarm bells in his hunter. Peter shoots Danko in the arm and flies away, and I’m left happy knowing that Nathan’s hypocrisy is one step closer to exposure.

A generally great episode ends with three stunning revelations, one satisfying and two annoying and frustrating: the good one? Noah’s still working for Angela to subvert Nathan! The lame ones? Daphne’s alive. And if a round of new paintings are any indication, Matt will commit a suicidal firebombing on Washington, DC, to get her back. To badly paraphrase the words of Meat Loaf, I would do anything for love, but I sure as hell wouldn’t do that.

Season 3, Episode 17: Cold War (originally aired February 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis‘ review here.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Trae Patton

Heroes: Cold War

Someone reminded the Heroes writers about how to focus on storytelling and character development, and I thank them profusely. Before all the critic and fan fallout, they would have jammed together last week’s and this week’s episode into one confusing, rushed piece. Instead, we pick up moments before Noah’s kidnapping as we see Peter, Mohinder and Matt decide what they’re going to do to get the answer they need. Who’s the man behind the plan? Why are they doing that to our heroes? And answers to things they didn’t even know they were searching for. Of course Noah would be the one man who could give them everything they need.

From the onset of the plan, Peter, Matt and Mohinder squabbled over everything from should they kidnap Noah in the first place to the ethics of drugging him and rifling through his mind. The fighting would not end there either.

FIVE WEEKS AGO

Noah meets with Angela to discuss the end of the Company. We see Noah’s endless dedication to his job, but Angela’s ready with his pension and severance, as well as a beautiful parting gift, a watch. She tells him it’s his chance to have what he’s fought for, time with his family.

We see a different side of Matt who says he’s willing to push as far as he needs to get the answers they want. It’s at this point that the Hunter notifies Nathan that Noah’s off the grid. It’s time to put the team to high alert.

On the other hand, Matt and Mohinder go at it because Mohinder believes that Matt is only torturing Noah because of Daphne’s death, but they continue to push on.

FOUR WEEKS AGO

The Company Man is doing a crossword puzzle and planning dinner with the other PTA parents. It’s clear that he’s bored in his action-less life. Luckily Nathan shows up to chat. Nathan clues him in to his powers roundup plan, but lets him know that Claire will be safe if Noah’s on the right side. Noah’s not too sure that putting all the secrets he fought 20 years to protect into the government’s hands is the right thing. He also tells Nathan he will be seen as a villain by everyone, but Nathan just wants a chance to make things right. He saw how far his powers pushed him.

Noah takes him to a storage locker and shows Nathan everything he’s worked on in his career. He even has a weapons arsenal and hard cash! But he didn’t bring him here to give him stuff, he brought Nathan there to show that this is his life. “There’s only so many crossword puzzles I can do,” Noah says.

Again the fellas fall into squabbling. Matt believes Mohinder thinks they should get caught for their powers. Peter doesn’t say much, but Matt gives him the location to the storage locker to get supplies and prove that what they’re finding out in Noah’s mind is true. Unfortunately, Peter doesn’t know the storage locker’s being watched. He’s greeted with a whole team of SWAT Ninjas but he uses a flash bomb to distract them and escape.

THREE WEEKS AGO

Noah meets the Hunter for the first time in their headquarters, Building 26. He wants to implement the one of us, one of them policy, but Hunter is not too keen on that idea. Noah finally sees that he does not discriminate against the good or bad people they’re hunting.

Noah tracks down Mohinder and tries to convince him to help him “save lives.” When Matt finds this out he flips a lid. Noah came to Mohinder and knew about the government roundup and didn’t tell anyone! But, I think this is exactly what Noah wanted Matt to find out. He can finally use Matt and Mohinder’s endless squabbling to plan and escape, which almost works, but Peter comes back just in time.

ONE WEEK AGO

Noah visits Hunter in D.C. with a bottle of Scotch in tow. Hunter believes that Noah is split between dedication to his job and his family which he sees as a weakness. “To win this war for good, it takes focus and yours is just a little split right now,” says Hunter. Noah says he’s done his research too. He also knows his real name is Mr. Danko. He says he’s too focused. They’re not hunting terrorists; they’re hunting people. They need to understand their humanity. They finally agree, however, to see each other’s side. Danko can see Noah’s value if Noah can be 100% dedicated.

Now with the name and address of the guy in charge, Peter flies off (again!) to take out the Hunter, even though Noah warns them that they don’t understand the extent of what they’re doing.

When Peter arrives, we realize that this is exactly what Danko wants. If Peter kills him, this justifies the government’s extermination of everyone with powers. Nathan arrives and backs this up. (Loved Danko asking how he got there so fast.) So after just shooting Danko in the arm (way to go, Peter!), he flies away.

Matt and Mohinder realize that the SWAT Ninjas are closing in on them, but Noah has one more trick up his sleeve. He tells Matt that Daphne’s still alive, but is this the truth? Mohinder says he’ll hold them off, which basically means taking a lot of shocks before being captured, but Matt gets what he wants.

TWO DAYS AGO

We see Daphne in extreme pain, and Noah ordering a sedative for her. But he told the truth; she is alive.

PRESENT

Noah convinces Matt to not pull the trigger, and he’s captured as well. Noah begs to walk him out. Why? I’m not so sure, but just as they get outside, Peter sets off another flash bomb and swoops him away. Too bad he couldn’t do the same for Mohinder.

Back at Building 26, Nathan visits Mohinder and tries to convince him to help them rid everyone of their powers. Nathan believes, without Mohinder’s help, they’ll all just be executed.

And with Noah back and his family behind him, it seems Danko can really trust him now. He even asks Noah to help him get Nathan and his ideals out of the way as well.

After Danko leaves, Noah meets up with Angela one more time. It’s now that we see the true side that Noah’s on. The plan was to gain Danko’s trust, but Angela warns him that he’ll have to make tough choices that prove he’s dedicated to the cause. To this Noah answers, “You know me. I’ve always been comfortable with morally gray.”

So did we get the answers we needed? I think so. And what did you think about those final scenes that show Matt in Isaac’s old loft painting lots of pictures of TNT and him strapped with TNT and a big mushroom cloud over D.C.? Hmmmm……..

Season 3, Episode 17: Cold War (originally aired February 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Horn-Rimmed Motivations by Paul Secrest.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Trae Patton

RuPaul’s Drag Race: M.A.C. Viva Glam Challenge

At the beginning of the episode, the ladies walk into the workroom, and everyone is freaked because there are no mirrors on the wall.  RuPaul is on the TV, though, and says something very cryptic about, “Who do you think you are?”

RuPaul/Tim Gunn comes out looking like he’s wearing a scoop of sherbet.  Seriously, it’s a little pink, a little blue, a little peach, and a lot gross.

During the next segment of the episode, we all learn a new word: “Ki Ki.”  Ki Ki is when two drag queens have sex with each other.  Um.  Ok.  Yeah.  I mean.  This show could be on PBS because of the educational content.

The contestants are divided into pairs.  Each member of the pair will do the other’s makeup, but they will only have thirty minutes to do the makeup.  Ladies and gents, this ain’t easy.  When you have a five o’clock shadow at ten-thirty in the morning, you have to do a lot of work to look glamorous.  And by a lot of work, I mean a lot of makeup.  It’s called “pancake” for a reason.

The teams are:  Bebe and Rebecca; Ongina and Shannel; Jade and Nina Flowers.  Each person is to be judged on how her partner looks.

When faced with the time crunch, Shannel says that no one can do good makeup as quickly as she can.  Why she always gotta say she’s the best?  She ain’t the best.  She ain’t even close to the best.  From now on, I say she’s the worst, regardless of the challenge.

The make-up is done.  Of all of the contestants, Shannel easily looks the worst.  She looks like a corpse, all painted up.  Ongina could work for a funeral home if this whole drag thing doesn’t work out.

The winner of the challenge is Jade.  You know what?  She deserved it, too.  Nina Flowers never looked more feminine and soft.  That ain’t easy to do when you look like you live on Cell Block 9.

Shannel is mad as hell.  She is adamant that she should have won the challenge. Of course she would say that.  I hate her.  THE WORST.

The big challenge for tonight is to do a screen test for a commercial for M.A.C. Viva Glam cosmetics.  “I am a M.A.C. Viva Glam Woman because . . .”  Jade gets an extra five minutes for her screen test because she won the first challenge.  Something I didn’t know:  M.A.C. donates the proceeds from this product line to help folks suffering from H.I.V.  How great is that?

Nina Flowers is up first tonight, and she looks the bomb.  She has on this awesome Mohawk wig.  It rocks my world.  During her screen test, she is sitting between the two muscle men at waist level.  It’s very suggestive, but I think that’s by design. It’s a hot mess.

Rebecca is being all dramatic before her screen test.  She looks ridiculous, too, like a girl going to the mall.  She delivers the most dull, boring, monotone speech about “putting a price on life.”  During her speech, she starts thinking of her best friend who has H.I.V., and then she says, “I’m done.”  She walks off the stage.  RuPaul attempts to intervene, but Rebecca storms off the stage and straight into a bathroom stall.  Girl is just bawling and crying.  There ain’t a single tear running out those eyes, though.  She seeks comfort from the other contestants; however, Bebe, like me, is skeptical of the tears.

Jade does acrobatics during her screen test, and she uses an Indiana Jones whip as a prop.  I don’t know.  She don’t float my boat.

Bebe comes out dressed like Winnie Mandela.  She looks crazy, but she talks sincerely about how AIDS is rampant in Africa.

Ongina is wearing the same outfit that she always does: a blousy top (no boobs) and black bottoms (shorts).  There is no wig, and instead she wears this little hat.  I’m so damn tired of that damn little hat on her damn bald head.  Her theme is “celebrating life,” and I do have to admit that she has an awful lot of energy.

Shannel is last, and she comes out looking terrible.  She is dressed like a secretary.  The wig is a short ‘do with asymmetrical bangs, straight off of the Salt-N-Pepa video for “Push It.”  Shannel talks and talks and talks and talks and talks.  The big muscle men all roll their eyes and struggle to stay awake.  Me, too.  Shannel gets all confused because she misunderstood the challenge, and she runs out of time.  Ha!  She says she feels stupid, and Shannel and I finally agree on something.

Main Stage time!  RuPaul looks like she’s wearing a purple Stevie Nicks hand-me-down, but her wig is off the chain!  Judges:  Merle Ginsburg (yay!), Santino Rice (yay!); Gordon Espinet (M.A.C. executive), and Jenny Shimizu (lesbian actress).  I’ll be honest, I had to look up who Jenny Shimizu is.  Wikipedia is good for everything.  In this case, it informs me that, once upon a time, Jenny Shimizu was Madonna’s “booty call” and that Madonna would fly her to destinations across the world any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions.  ¡ESCANDALO!

Runway time:

1.      Jade comes out looking like Morticia Adams, and I hate it.

2.      Bebe comes out rocking the most fantastic hat ever.  ALRIGHT FOR THE HAT!

3.      Rebecca Glasscock comes out looking like a cross between a bar code and a back up singer for the band K.I.S.S.  Not feeling it.

4.      Ongina is out wearing a variation on the same stuff, except that the skirt is kind of big and pouffy.

5.      Nina Flowers follows “serving drama.”  She has on this sort of lame pantsuit, but she feathers on her wrists.  They are these long pheasant feathers, and they rock.  The effect is very bird of prey.  During her turn, however, she almost slips and falls down.

6.      Shannel is out last, wearing a latex bathing suit.  Demonstrating a multitude of talents, Shannel juggles silver bowling pins while walking down the runway.  Her bathing suit does not have a rear end, so it’s a full moon . . . again.  Juggling and Jiggling all in one runway walk.

Tonight’s winner will be anointed Viva Glam spokes-ho as her prize, but first the judges need to insult the girls to their faces.  The only one judging of note:  Jade.  Jade’s junk again presented a problem tonight.  Apparently, Jade is working with too much pee pee to do a good tuck.  RuPaul further says her screen test was “ineffective,” and Santino says she is lacking something special.  Santino gets an A+ on that one.

I have never watched a show with so many infomercials during the commercials.  And they’re for the worst stuff ever.  Save A Blade?  Please.  Give me the Snuggie any day of the week.

The girls are excused to the Interior Illusions Lounge.  Judgmental time:

• Rebecca – bad
• Ongina – good
• Shannel – talks too much
• Nina Flowers – bad pantsuit, good commercial
• Jade – not special, and her man parts are too evident.
• Bebe – African Queen

Safe:  Nina, Bebe (how’d she not win?), Ongina (the winner), and Shannel.

When Ongina wins, she starts crying and crying.  At first I roll my eyes.  Then, she admits that she’s had H.I.V. for the past two years, and not even her parents know. Between her tears, Ongina says that, in life, you have to keep going, and she’s gonna keep going.  Wow.  That’s some pretty powerful stuff for a show about men in pantyhose.

The bottom two are Rebecca Glasscock and Jade.  This duo really is the dead weight on this show, so this is fitting.  These two will Lip Sync for Your Life to the Eurythmics‘ “Would I Lie to You?”  YES!  It’s such a great song.  Too bad both of these two are dreadful.  Just dreadful.  Jade doesn’t know the words, but she tries to compensate by doing the splits.  While she’s on the ground, Jade tries to do some aggressive pushing on Rebecca.  Rebecca responds by pushing Jade’s head to the floor, almost pulling her Morticia Adams wig off.  Bring on the mud!

The result?  Rebecca stays, and Jade is dismissed.  In her exit interview, Jade says, “Rebecca is the fakest bitch I’ve ever met in my life.” It’s about time, honey.  We are in week four, and the claws are overdue.  Maybe if you showed some of this personality earlier, you wouldn’t be going home tonight, Miss Jade.

Season 1, Episode 4: M.A.C./Viva Glam Challenge (originally aired February 23, 2009)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

Mondays at 10pm on Logo

Photographs courtesy of Logo Online

Battlestar Galactica: Great-grandpa Was a Power Sander!

As the previews from last week showed us, Ellen and Boomer return to the Galactica this week and there’s a crisis of conscience among the Original Five Cylons.  We begin with Caprica-Six walking through a food distribution area and getting attacked for being a Cylon; a quick check up with Doc Cottle shows all is right with her and baby Liam.  Ellen and Boomer arrive, perhaps for Caprica’s baby shower, but Adama isn’t pleased to see Boomer who once tried to kill him so she’s going to the brig.  Everyone else is shocked to see Ellen alive.  In fact, Saul Tigh is so shocked that he has sex with her.  Somehow the vibrations from their millennia-old robot love cause a tremor in Caprica-Six’s womb.  This does not bode well.

At the same time, Tyrol has been overseeing the renovations to Galactica with the Cylon goo that will repair the aging ship.  Speaking of spreading the goo, Baltar returns to his coven and finds a new queen bee in town (and a love child named Gaius).  Through classic Baltar manipulation, he dethrones Paula and manages to form a makeshift militia to guard his cult’s supplies and to help distribute food to the hungry refugees on Galactica.  But these are just minor matters, the real drama is with the post-coital Saul and Ellen Tigh after she learns that he’s been shtupping Caprica-Six and is going to have a baby with her.

The Original Five plus a Six and an Eight caucus around Anders’s body for a happy family reunion.  Six, Eight, and Tory propose they join the Baseship and re-start the thirteenth, all-Cylon colony.  Under Cylon’s Rules of Procedure, they decide to vote on what to do: stay or go.  It deadlocks 2 to 2 with Ellen the deciding vote, who walks out at the shock of Saul being able to father a child with Caprica-Six even though she and Saul never could do that.

Roslin shares a hallway walk with Caprica-Six and they discuss whether they are still having shared visions of the Opera House (they are not).  Then Roslin accidentally insults Caprica-Six by implying that her child is not special just for being her child.  It’s a nice glimpse of Roslin’s changing emotions toward Cylons, or at least familiar Cylons.  In another throwaway scene, Kara encourages Tyrol to visit Boomer in the brig.

With Ellen’s difficulty accepting Saul’s new fidelity to Caprica-Six, she goes to Saul’s quarters and sees how Caprica-Six has replaced Ellen.  Ellen makes some threatening and hurtful comments but concedes that Saul’s love is for Caprica-Six.  Ellen convenes the Original Five and corners Saul with her decision to vote to leave and form a new Cylon-only colony somewhere in the universe.  Saul sees Ellen’s stunt for what it is, namely petty and vindictive, and tells her and the rest of them to go off and do what they want but he’s not leaving.  Caprica-Six gets caught in the middle of it, but then Ellen explains that Saul will never betray his love for Galactica, Adama, and his uniform.  And most importantly, Caprica-Six, like Ellen, will always play second fiddle.  Baby Liam in Caprica-Six’s toaster oven doesn’t like hearing that and goes into distress.  In the end, he dies and Caprica-Six miscarries.  It’s very sad but it gets Ellen to have a moment of self-realization and regret.  But all is not lost: Anders’s brain begins to function.

Aside from the pregnancy dramas, the heart of the struggle on Galactica is with Adama coming to terms with his ship becoming more Cylon every day, in crew and structure.  With the realization that Cylons are now posting photos of their deceased brethren, his ship has become “blended,” which is only fitting since it’s always had the blended leadership and close friendship of Adama and Tigh (illustrated over their two scenes this week: drinking and laughing and then consolation over the loss of unborn Liam).  And as Tigh explained to the Original Five, “Pure human doesn’t work.  Pure Cylon doesn’t work,” they must work together to survive.

Next week: Kara discovers herself, Tyrol rediscovers Boomer, and Boomer discovers she’s nuts (again).

Season 4, Episode 16: Deadlock (originally aired February 20, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Battlestar Galactica, click here.

Sci Fi, Fridays at 10/9c

Photographs courtesy of Carol Segal and NBC Universal

Life: Not The Facts of Life

I love it when faces of film and TV’s long forgotten past come along to distract viewers from what would otherwise be a long-winded and uninteresting plot, such as this week’s episode of Life.  For instance, let’s take Detective Rayborn, the retired cop whose sketchy past acquired him enough wealth to run with L.A.’s A-listers while still maintaining the secret that keeps Crews up at night.  You may remember the actor who plays Rayborn, William Atherton, as the ego-maniacal Professor Jerry Hathaway who simultaneously led and betrayed the crew of young prodigal brainiacs in Real Genius.  Then there is Mrs. Ford, the sweet, little old lady who gets swindled by this week’s murder victim, Ray McCullough, whose array of phony construction scams not only conned numerous unsuspecting homeowners, but also caused him to get shot and have wads of twenty dollar bills shoved down his mouth.  But many of you might recognize the actress who played Mrs. Ford as Edna Garrett, the nutritionist/house mother to those over-privileged boarding school students in The Facts of Life.

In fact, I was so bored with this week’s murder case that, yes, I did find myself bobbing my head and humming The Facts of Life theme song, wishing I was watching the episode in which Tootie tries to give Germaine Jackson the clay bust she sculpted of his head, when Mrs. Ford–the woman I only recognize as the beloved Edna Garrett–popped up on the screen.

I realize that even the murders of bad guys have to get solved;  however, I really could have cared less when the body of Ray McCullough, a regular douchebag, popped up dead and the suspects were his many victims.  I cared even less when poor Mrs. Ford and her huge, intimidating, antique dealing son, William Ford, a.k.a. Sweet William, are suspected of murdering McCullough out of revenge.  William Ford’s history of aggravated assault, including ripping out a man’s tongue and breaking another man’s fingers, eventually make him the primary suspect.

More interesting this week is Crews’ minor and temporary victory when he finally gets Rayborn to cough up some long-awaited information.  But Rayborn will only do this after getting Crews to come aboard his private yacht and eat a well done scorpion.  Rayborn was kind enough to have removed the scorpion’s stinger before serving it to Crews.  Crews bites into the scorpion at which time Rayborn plays dead.  He laughs at Crews who leans 0ver him, in disbelief that Rayborn croaked as he ate the charred delicacy.  Finally, Rayborn serves up the secrets that we basically could have guessed from previous episodes; Rayborn and his cop colleagues became filthy rich after stealing a gigantic load of money from the Bank of Los Angeles years before.  Jack Reese, however, decided to remain an “honest” cop and did not keep the money.  Rayborn’s interests in Nevekov were because Nevekov was one of his “investments.”  Cryptic? informative? You decide.

Not for the first time, Crews becomes a murder suspect when the owner of Purrier Security Services, Amanda Purrier, waddles in wearing a tight, black dress suit and super high heels. Purrier informs him that Rayborn’s yacht was found adrift with a large pool of blood found on deck but no body.  Purrier knows that Crews had recently paid Rayborn a visit on his yacht, and if Rayborn is found dead, Purrier will owe Rayborn’s estate fifty million dollars.  As Edna Garrett could attest, sometimes you take the good, sometimes you take the bad.

Season 2, Episode 15: I Heart Mom (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For a different take on this episode, read Cameron Cubbison’s review, Charlie just can’t catch a break, here.

For more on Life, click here.

Wednesdays at 9/8c, NBC
Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

And Now, the 2009 Tonys I Mean Oscars

Okay, so to paraphrase Hugh Jackson’s pre-Oscar Babara Walters Special interview, he wanted to put more show and less biz in show business. Amidst Jackman’s seemingly never-ending song and dance routines and spiel about how the musical has truly made a comeback, I found myself wondering if I was watching the 2009 Academy Awards ceremonies, or if I was stuck at some really bad dinner theater. I couldn’t believe the guy who played Wolverine—not to mention is People’s sexiest man alive—could also belt out Broadway numbers reminiscent of that singing frog in those old Looney Tunes cartoons. And while stars such as Beyoncé—who really needs to start singing something other than At Last—and John Legend performed, it was not enough to outshine Jackman’s corny musical numbers and overly fluffy jokes. Queen Latifah did manage to croon a memorable rendition of I’ll Be Seeing You in honor of industry members who have recently passed away.

Presenters included Ben Stiller who presented the best cinematography award with Nathalie Portman. Stiller impersonated Joaquin Phoenix in his recent interview on Letterman in which Phoenix appeared to be virtually unrecognizable, disheveled, and completely disoriented. And in case you were wondering, the best cinematography award went to Slumdog Millionaire, the film that also managed to sweep last night’s awards for best director and best film. Other presenter highlights were the comedic dynamic duo, Tina Fey and Steve Martin, and Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black. Eddie Murphy presented the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis, and Jessica Beale presented the Gordon E. Sawyer Award to Ed Catmull for his work in digital cinematography. While Twilight, the teen vampire flick that did sweep box office numbers, did not manage to get nominated, its leading actor, heartthrob Robert Pattinson, did present a segment dedicated to romance in 2008 films.

As for the big winners of the night, the best actor, actress, supporting actor, and supporting actress awards were presented by previous academy award winners. Aging Oscar legends such as Sophia Lauren, Shirley MacLaine, Sir Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, and Robert DeNiro graced the stage to help present the awards for best actor and best actress. Penelope Cruz, winner of best supporting actress, and Heath Ledger’s family members, accepting the best supporting actor on behalf of Ledger and his daughter, Matilda, gave gracious and moving acceptance speeches. Mickey Rourke did not manage to pin down the best actor award, which went to Sean Penn for his vulnerable and transformed performance as Harvey Milk. In one of the more unusual and politically driven speeches, Penn, the consummate rebel, thanked “the commie lovin’ homos” for his win, and wanted supporters of the current ban on homosexual marriage to feel ashamed. Kate Winslet beat out Oscar veteran, Meryl Streep, for the best actress award, but classy Winslet did acknowledge her running mate “goddesses” in her acceptance speech. Director Danny Boyle, also known for directing the sci-fi horror, 28 Days Later, hopped to his Oscar with Tigger-like agility for the best director award.

The biggest winner of the night was Slumdog Millionaire, which took home Oscars for best adapted screenplay, best original song, best director, best picture, and many more. And perhaps the best treat of the night was watching the many contributors—including the fresh-faced and hopeful child, teen, and adult actors—to the film spill onto the stage to accept the award with nothing but warm feelings for the film that truly represented a universal achievement. Oh, and Hugh Jackman—while you are very good looking, talented, and nice—please leave the song and dance stuff to Broadway. To see a complete list of winners, go to http://movies.msn.com/oscars/winners-list/?GT1=28135.

The Amazing Race: In. Your. Face!

I know I’m supposed to be amazed at Luke’s ability in this race.  I know I am, because the producers keep bringing it up vis-à-vis the other racers.  Comments like the one from Mel & Mike, “Luke and Margie coming in first was amazing. . . .[it] challenges your sense of what people are capable of” are a wonderful way for the TAR producers to congratulate themselves on what a wonderful, conscientious show this is.  It’s like they are trying to say The Amazing Race has people who have to overcome real obstacles, unlike those pussies on Survivor whose ‘surprise’ casting choices are still stuck in the Look!  It’s a lunch lady! variety.

Yet, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I gotta say that I find these clearly prompted remarks by Luke’s fellow contestants a tad unnecessary.  What, pray tell, did Mike really think that Luke wouldn’t be capable of because he’s deaf? Running to a pit stop? Buying a plane ticket? While Luke will clearly have more difficulty than anyone else communicating with strangers, in The Amazing Race, it’s communication with your partner that separates those who sprint towards the finish line from those who can only gallop.  And in that department, Luke and his mother Margie have a distinct advantage.  Clearly their relationship has required excellent communication skills from the both of them, and it’s pretty apparent that they read each other better than perhaps any other team in the show’s history.  So seriously, producers?  Chill with the Luke is Amazing! comments.

So we’re only into the second episode of The Amazing Race 14, and there is already a theme.  Food!  Last week, we had the cheese, and this week we have another inherently funny, round substance — pie.  Cream pies, fruit pies, chocolate pies, it was pie for rows.  If next week’s detour is built around vodka shots, The Amazing Race will have covered all my favorite food groups.

The pie challenge came near the end of the episode, where the contestants had to choose between throwing pies at one another or riding a Segway through an obstacle course.  Clearly, this was a challenge designed for we the audience to decide who was really worth liking in this race.  I mean, c’mon, was there really a legitimate choice here?  It’s like, do you want to take the option that shows you have a great sense of humor or the one that makes you look like a total dork?  This should have been easy.

Did you notice that all of the opposite sex racers chose the pie?  I kinda suspect that these teams realized that there would be few opportunities where expressing their open hostility towards each other would actually be productive, and so they took full advantage.  Wise choice.  Pretty much every team that chose the pies came off looking more likeable for it, including Margie and Luke.  How awesome was it to watch Margie launch pie after pie. . .after pie after pie. . .after pie at him while he looked utterly dejected?  As he explained, what can you do? It’s your mom.

Hell, even Steve and Linda came off looking better for the pie choice. After all, Steve did apologize for making Linda cry last week.  Yet I still couldn’t root for them, because right then I realized that Steve and Linda are the couple in your group that you only go out with once or twice before you realize that every night they will have a public disagreement, and she will cry, and everyone will feel uncomfortable, and then they will make up, and then they both will cry, and everyone at the table will feel even more uncomfortable.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging their relationship — it actually seems to work well enough, yet. . .I have no desire to be around these two, not even remotely.

And luckily I won’t have to, because the team came in last after a disastrous Roadblock that ended up with Linda getting hopelessly lost after taking the wrong turn on a marked pathway. (Guess what she did when she realized that she lost?  She cried! ) She ended up catching a ride with a stranger back to her teammate, but the damage was done.  They came in after Christie and Jodi (who seriously need to pick it up a notch if they want to protect the reputations of stewardesses everywhere) and after Phil told them they’d been eliminated, wanna know what Steve and Linda did?  Cried.

But don’t worry folks, my eyes are dry.  Unless The Amazing Race tops itself next week with another funny food challenge.  Maybe something with kumquats?

Season 14, Episode 2: Your Target is Your Partner’s Face (originally aired February 22, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out White Flight by Paul Secrest.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

Damages: Awwww, Pete.

*Yawn.*

Sorry.  After 5 straight episodes of shocking developments, this episode felt like a cup of weak coffee after a night of downing Red Bull.

I mean, didn’t all the revelations about Patty’s loyal yes man, Pete, feel a little boring?  He’s not some barely-contained psychopath, he’s just a guy with some legal troubles who Patty bailed out years ago.   He’s also been married for 60 years to a woman of rapidly declining health who I am incapable of calling any name other than Magda. Pursuing a tip from Ellen, the FBI set Pete up in order to get him to squeal on his boss.  He agrees — but attempts suicide before the police can get any information.  Looks like Pete’s in a coma for the foreseeable future, which will certainly put Patty on high alert.  Poor Magda.  Their wedding photo was really quite lovely.

The rest of the episode felt like as much of a standstill as Pete’s coma.  We learn that Frobisher has a spiritual advisor and apparently spends a lot of his time dressed in all white and in the kind of natural surroundings you find in cheap yoga DVDs.  Detective Messer (thanks, Kaitlyn, for the name) visits him, telling him that loose ends need to be tied since Katie Connor is back in the picture, and is all recognizing stalker cops and everything.  Frobisher pretty much wants to just leave the past in the past.  But my guess is that that decision isn’t really completely up to him, is it? So now Messer’s got Wes changing his focus from Ellen to Katie.  So when Wes “happens” to show up at the same place and time as Ellen and Katie, Wes and Katie are hitting it off just well enough that Ellen is looking a little green-eyed.  Although her eyes are brown.  Cause, you know, she’s jealous.  Which I’d be too.  Have I mentioned yet how hot Timothy Olyphant is?

Not hot?  Crazy cokehead traders who hire escorts and get numbers from creepy guys hired by Kendrick.  And I’d be saying that even if the crazy cokehead trader wasn’t the guy who played “the ugly guy” from the movie Walking and Talking.  (And if you totally know the who and what I’m talking about, then you just might be my pop culture soulmate.)  Anyway, this episode built on the whole mysterious car sale from last week.  We see a cokehead trader go into the car and copy some numbers.  He did this a little late — he got sidetracked from the first attempt when he and his hooker got arrested.  His name was expunged from the record, but Claire Maddox had to be called in to defend the hooker. And the fact that Claire was hauled into court to defend a prostitute — something totally out of her general area of legal expertise — caught the attention of Patty, allowing her to learn the identity of crazy cokehead, named Finn Garrity.

So now Patty gets to investigate Finn, which should lead her to his role in the upcoming uptick in Ultima’s stock.  And while I suppose this is a crucial detail to unfold, really, the whole thing feels just like season 3 of Lost.  In other words, filler.

I suppose filler is necessary in a show like Damages; every episode can’t contain a big reveal.  Still, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that even filler episodes offer up something really worth watching.

Like, maybe Timothy Olyphant without his shirt on?

Just a suggestion.

Season 2, Episode 7: New York Sucks (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out See ya, Pete! by Kaitlyn Edsall.

For more on Damages, click here.

Wednesdays at 10pm E/P on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Friday Night Lights: The Naked Gun

Once again in Dillon, not much happens but a lot of talking. Except then some people get nekkid, and things do happen! So bring on the bare skin, people!

But first, JD steals playing time and screen time from my favorite QB, Matt Saracen. This is a little ridiculous. On the other hand, they’re fleshing McCoy’s character out just enough that I almost find him interesting. Or maybe that was because he shared most of his screen time with Tim Riggins. Let’s see!

We’re forced to start with The Naked Mile, a Panthers tradition from way back. Or something. The upperclassmen line up the freshmen, and send the naked newbies in one direction, and the quarterback in another. JD encounters Coach at the field house, who is less than amused, and Coach promises not to tell JD’s dad about his son’s streaking ways. Why that would upset Papa McCoy, I don’t know, because you’d think he’d be happy his son was bonding with the team. Plus, McCoy earns the nickname,”The Naked Gun,” and honestly, a cool nickname like that is worth a little bit of trouble. I’m wondering how many of my friends I can convince to call me The Naked Gun going forward.

The hazing leads to lots more teasing from the team, so Coach pulls in Riggins and “suggests” he take JD under his wing so the other players learn to respect and follow him. We also learn more about the McCoy family dynamic: Mama McCoy wants to see JD dating a cheerleader and out having a good time, whereas Papa McCoy wants to see his son only fornicating with a football. But not like it’s a pie or anything. JD can’t date, drink, eat sugar, hang out with the boys, etc. After Friday night’s easy win, Riggins invites JD to the celebration, who jumps at the chance. However, Papa McCoy embarrasses his little protégé by storming the locker room and taking him away to celebrate with his mom. The team’s respect shoots down to zero.

So bring on Saturday night and the big school dance! JD goes because his Mama thought it would be a good idea to socialize. Lyla convinces Tim to go by wearing something low-cut and high-hemmed to school. Really? I realize it’s hot in Texas, but damn! I think in my high school, a girl dressed like that would a) be branded a slut, and b) I’m pretty sure she would have been sent home. Of course, none of the guys in my school looked like Tim Riggins, so touché, Lyla. Anyway, Tim goes to the dance he doesn’t really want to be at, sees JD, and convinces both him and Lyla to bust a move elsewhere. “To create some memories.” They crash a party where JD’s tie causes more teasing, and then he buckles to peer pressure and has a beer. Or ten. By the end of the night he’s falling off tables and having his photo taken on everyone’s cell phones. If this show is like real life, those photos will be up all over the internet by Sunday morning. New Facebook picture!

Tim and Lyla rescue JD, and the next time we see him, it’s Sunday morning at church. At the social following Mass, Papa McCoy drags a not-in-the-least hungover JD over to Coach to apologize for his night out having a beer and good times. Thank goodness there were no loose women there! JD’s ashamed, mainly because his Pa’s doing all the apologizing, and because somewhere along the way, Papa McCoy successfully convinced the boy that beer really is bad. I, for one, know that beer does not hinder my performance on the field at all. Unless we wanted to win. And you can take that to the bank, Papa McC! For his part, Coach has noted Papa McCoy’s interference all through this episode, and after each incident, looks more and more worried. That blow-up should be nice, whenever it arrives.

So you know I hate JD because he’s the rival of my boy, Mattie, but since they’re actually making his character likeable, and since Jeremy Sumpter is playing him as a sympathetic, awkward teen, I’ll allow the extra screen time. But I’d still rather watch…

Matt Saracen on the sidelines! That’s not true. Although he does sit Friday’s game on the bench, causing his Grandmother to cry and pull Coach aside in the grocery store to rip him a new one. And she’s not wrong, so rip away, Grandma! And while Grandma’s lacing into Coach, Matt and Julie sidestep away to bond and make googly eyes all over each other. Saracen swings by the Taylor home on Saturday to pick up Julie on a whim, and they head to the lake for swimming, bonding, hot dogs (vegetarian and meatatarian) and some sex. How do we know they do it? Because they’re all cuddly the next morning when Matt drops her off at home (I can’t believe that Mama Taylor did not jump all over Julie the moment she walked in, hooting and hollering about breaking curfew, or whatever Mama T needs to start an argument). The googly eyes continue at church the next morning. I can’t wait for the pregnancy test results to come back.

Over in the heartbroken world of Jason Street, I’d like to start off by saying how incredibly boring this storyline is. Erin says goodbye, and this week you’d think she actually likes Jason, which is nice, finally. Billy Riggins throws a fit over his responsibilities with the house, goes over budget, and leaves Jason to keep everything together. A chance encounter leads to Jason inviting Coach to stop by. Coach, shocked and amazed that Jason and the Rigginses bought the Garrity house, swings over and becomes a venting board for Jason, who’s ready to give up and admit that doing business with Billy Riggins was the worst idea ever. Though Coach delivers his gospel and restores Jason’s faith, I actually have to go with Jason on this one. I’m late to the FNL game, but even I could have told you that doing any kind of business with Billy Riggins is about the stupidest thing you could ever do. Doing business with Tim probably isn’t even the brightest move, but Billy? It’s Jason’s own fault.

In this week’s Landry moment, his bassist quits the band because Landry’s songs and lyrics suck. Too much Debbie-Downer-unrequited love nonsense, I guess. They can’t all be Skid Row, my friend! Auditions lead to the acquisition of new bassist, Devin, a cute freshman girl with a nice singing voice. After a quick review of his music, she tells him to get over the girl he keeps writing about and find some new source material. We can only hope.

Speaking of the girl, enter Tyra! She’s cutting back on Cash-time because she needs to work extra shifts at Applebees, who by the way, has their name mentioned at least once every episode, and each time, my gag reflex kicks in because of the cross-promotion. Then the Applebees commercials during the breaks. Really, NBC? Has it come to this? Cash is also disgusted, so he forks over some dough to pay for Tyra’s applications, and therefore, work less. Tyra eventually accepts the money, even though it means listening to her mother rant about how women should hang on to a man who wants to take care of them, even if he’s a cowboy they’ve all known about two weeks.

As an aside, Mindy’s wedding dress has wings. HiLARious.

So Tyra’s all pleased with Cash and his cash, until a woman stops by her home and says that she’s Ali, the mother of Cash’s child, and he owes child support. Tyra dumps Cash (way to go, sister!), but he worms his way back in by saying he slept with Ali five years ago, left town, and when he came back, she’s trying to say her two-year-old is his. It’s all in the math. Tyra chooses to believe him, but I say, show me the DNA papers, cowboy. Possibly I have trust issues, unless I’m right.

So to sum up: JD gets naked and drunk (but not at the same time); Matt and Julie get naked and laid, and possibly pregnant; Jason Street sings to his baby and cries to the Coach; Tim skips school and ditches a dance; Tyra breaks up and makes up with Cash; and Landry breaks up with his band, and makes up with a new bassist. Really, I got that all into one paragraph? I may need to rethink my word count.

Next week: Lesbians in Dillon!

Season 3, Episode 6: It Ain’t Easy Being J.D. McCoy (originally aired November 5, 2008 on DIRECTV)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Friday Night Lights, click here.

Fridays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of Bill Records and NBC Universal

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