Slumdog Millionaire

I don’t often use the word “cute” to describe movies that open with torture scenes, but that’s Slumdog Millionaire for you.

It’s the kind of movie where you find yourself watching three 7-year-olds living alone in a makeshift tent on a massive garbage heap in Mumbai, and you see a van drive up and a sleazy-looking guy gets out and offers the kids bottles of Coke and even though he’s obviously here to do something bad to these kids you can’t help but think, well, what could possibly be worse for these children than living in a tent on a massive garbage heap in Mumbai? And you know you’re about to find out. And you’re right, because what’s worse than living on garbage is living with ? well, let’s just say it’s really, really bad.

And it’s also the kind of movie where you find yourself groaning at the cheesiness of the romantic subplot, in which the main couple falls in love when they’re 7 years old, and then, despite circumstances separating them for 10 years or so, as soon as they see each other again they’re immediately just as in love as they were when they were 7, forgetting that they’ve lived entire lives in the meantime. And where the love interest, seeing as how she’s a girl and all, keeps getting herself into scrapes that she can’t get out of without the protagonist’s help, à la Jenny in Forrest Gump.

Or maybe that’s just me, with the groaning. But come on. If you’re going to make a movie that’s a painfully gritty and realistic depiction of growing up in the slums of India, would it be that much harder to add in a semi-believable, non-insulting romance to go with it?

But whatever its flaws, Slumdog Millionaire is definitely affecting. The plot follows three kids over the course of their lives ? the sweet, if boring, Jamal; the love of his brief life, Latika; and Jamal’s older brother, Salim, who, despite his unscrupulousness and tendency to engage in gang warfare, is the most compelling of the bunch. The kids are orphaned at an early age and have to make their own way through life, supporting themselves by begging, stealing, scavenging, and generally being scrappy Dickens-esque characters, had Dickens lived in India in the 1980s. Ultimately, Jamal, at age 18, goes on the Indian version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” in an attempt to find Latika, from whom he’s once again been separated, and wins big in spite of low expectations based on his class status (hence the movie’s title).

This is a Danny Boyle movie (Trainspotting and 28 Days Later and a bunch of other movies that weren’t as good). Like all Danny Boyle movies, it’s highly frenetic and watchable, contains many squirm-inducing moments, and includes some amazing musical sequences (my favorite featured the preteen Salim and Jamal living on trains for a few years, selling tchotchkes to travelers and dangling outside the windows to steal naan from the dining cars and generally having a fabulous time).

My advice: See it in a theater, stay for the awesome closing credits dance sequence, but don’t expect Slumdog Millionaire to change your life. It might, however, prompt you to call your travel agent.

Grey’s Anatomy: Mistaken Maverick

Talk about intense, Shonda. This week Addison and Derek face off, Christina challenges one of the older docs, Callie puts some of her own moves on Arizona, and Izzie gets closer to figuring out her illness.

Lucky for us, Addison is still at Seattle Grace, and Derek calls on her to help him out with last weeks pregnant aneurysm patient. I guess saving your ex’s brother means you can call in a couple of favors. But I’m going to hold off on the big drama for a little bit and dive into some of the juicy tidbits.

It’s a good thing that Sadie’s gone because I’m pretty sure Izzie would have slapped her in the face if she wasn’t. Remember when Izzie thought she was off the hook? After running her blood work at the same time as one of the clinic patients, Sadie diagnosed the patient with cancer and her resident with anemia. Last week, Izzie was championing the interns, and this week she wants to KILL them all even though it was clearly one intern who should have flipped the results.

Now onto Dr. Campbell, played by the endlessly beautiful Faye Dunaway. She is an old timer at Seattle Grace, known for her archaic surgical technique. When one of her former patients returns, Christina notices a mistake on Campbell’s part and proceeds to let everyone and their mothers know it. When she brings it to the attention of the Chief, Campbell’s  history keeps him at bay, but he keeps an eye on her. Campbell challenges Christina to tell the room what she would have done if she had no electricity, and, for once, Christina has nothing to say. But Christina makes it clear that they wouldn’t even be there if the doc had used more advanced technology during the last surgery. Though Christina gets thrown out of the OR in typical Dunaway dramatic fashion, ie, “Get out of MY OR!,” it’s enough to prove to Campbell that maybe she’s stayed past her expiration date and sometimes the hardest part is knowing when to say when.

On a softer note, it’s time for Bailey to turn in  her pedes application, and she’s asked the Chief and George to write her recommendations. While the Chief is too busy handling other things to write more than a standard form letter, George worries that his letter won’t be good enough. Of course George’s letter touches Bailey’s heart while she can’t believe the Chief, who knows her achievements so well, would have nothing better to say other than she’s a fine doctor. Fortunately, Addison’s still around to vouch that Bailey would be great with children, and as a prominent baby doctor, Addison would know. And we find out the reason the Chief is having such a hard time writing her recommendation is because he was grooming Bailey to follow in his footsteps. Of course, it’s Bailey life, and she’s going to live it the way she wants to.

Now without hesitation, let’s get to the nitty-gritty of this week’s episode. It’s apparent, after last week’s save, that Derek is riding high. It’s also evident that he may be holding this one too close to his heart. First, he proceeded to push Jen’s surgery off, and this week he decides to act like a maverick in the operating room. During the first surgery, he ends up correcting her speech pattern. Finally, she can say I love you and have it not sound like A larp ugg. When a complication pops up, Derek is sure he can save her, but Addison worries about the baby. This is when the battle ensues. Addison even goes so far as to beg Meredith to talk some sense into “her man.” Addison brings in the Chief to make the final call, save the baby or the mommy, but it’s clear Derek hasn’t been acting like a smart doctor should. (He pretty much lobotomizes his patient in a effort to save her while still putting the baby at risk.) Fortunately, Addison is a pretty sweet doctor, and she saves the baby.

I’m will say, I am LOVING Grey’s again. Am I pushing it by saying that Izzie is acting her pants off even if this crazy storyline started with dead guy sex? I feel like this will be Izzie’s exit from the show, but it will be a more dramatic exit than whatever they’re preparing for George, the doctor who will not be seen for more than 10 seconds per episode. Well, until  next week!

Season 5, Episode 16: An Honest Mistake (originally aired February 19, 2009)

For another view, check out What if God Were One of Us? by Tanya Lane.

For more Grey’s Anatomy reviews, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC
Photographs courtesy of ABC

American Idol: Boredom-Inducing Song Choices

I love you Poptimal.com. I’m dying of the flu, yet I’m writing my recap. That’s true love. So on to American Idol before I fall asleep at my keyboard.

After watching Tuesday night’s episode with pitch problems and boredom-inducing song choices, I may have spoken too early when I said this season of American Idol has produced the best singers to date.

Twelve contestants sang their hearts out this week from the Billboard Top 100 chart. So lets get down to the Good, the Horrendous and the Strange which from now on will be referred to as the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. (We don’t have any of the audition freaks, so the former doesn’t really apply anymore.)

THE GOOD
Ricky Braddy. Where have they been hiding this kid? It’s definitely a disservice to him that he hasn’t gotten any screen time. He sings “A Song for You” by Leon Russell and kills it.

Alexis Grace is definitely one of my favorite. She’s all cute and petite and streaked pink. I was surprised when she picked a such a big song, “I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You),” by Aretha Franklin but she made it hers and looked pretty and confident doing it.

Anoop Desai is definitely likable, as Simon said, and he has a great voice so he should be a shoo-in. But the truth is, he doesn’t have one of those touching stories that merits screen time in American Idol world, and he didn’t get enough screen time to get people to really pick up the phone. It’s sad because I think he’d be a great addition to the show.

Danny Gokey is obviously the show’s favorite. I know that his wife passed away but do they have to remind us every second he’s on camera? I thought he was trying to move forward with his life. He sang “Hero” by Mariah Carey, and by hitting those power notes, I think he ensured his place in the top 12.

THE BAD
Jackie Tohn sings “A Little Less Conversation” by my man Elvis. Strange song choice, but she’s got enough rasp to pull it off. I’ve heard her sound better, but at least she looks like she’s enjoying herself, gyrating all over the stage like that.

Brent Keith is just a cute ole southern boy. Sadly his tape doesn’t begin due to technical difficulties so Ryan has to walk him down to the stage while asking him questions and checking in on the tape status. It’s awkward, and could easily have affected his performance of “Hicktown” by Jason Aldean.

Anne Marie Boskovich was the one that Simon told to return all gussied up during the auditions. She looked beautiful on Tuesday, singing “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin, but unlike Alexis, singing Aretha is clearly too big for her. I don’t know why people choose songs that don’t fit their personalities or voices at all.

Tatiana Del Toro makes me really uncomfortable. I hate not knowing if she’s playing a part or being her own crazy self. What’s even stranger is that she actually sounds good singing Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love.” Too bad her bedroom eyes at the end of the song makes me want to vomit.

THE UGLY
Stevie Wright was one of my early draft picks, but she tanked with a capital T. The judges told her to embrace her youth, so she chose “You Belong to Me” by Taylor Swift. Sadly, she sounds horrible singing the song. Swift’s voice is unique and very countrified, and the song doesn’t allow Stevie to show her range and capabilities.

Casey Carlson is a pretty girl, sure. So why does she have to keep winking and making strange face. That is NOT cute. She sings “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” by The Police but it’s wooden and so not right for her age. She should have chosen something by Miley Cyrus or Colbie Caillat, anything young, fresh and hip.

Michael Sarver sings one of my personal favorites, Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be,” but it’s more like a butchering. He’s completely off, but it’s clear that the judges love him; Simon even says that he hopes people vote for him anyway.

Stephen Fowler is one of those contestants I loved during the early auditions and hated throughout Hollywood week, especially when he got up and walked away from his keyboard. Unfortunately the judges believes he had more passion during that botched performance than he did this week when he sang Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You.”

THE RESULTS
I’m sure you’ve notice a lot of your favorites in the bottom, and unfortunately for most of the contestants, they only have one song to prove themselves. As you can see, I chose four contestants to fill the top ranks, but only three will make it through to the next round.

Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Danny Gokey avoid the Seacrest guillotine. Two I believe truly deserve this, the other benefited from Simon’s plea.

Next week we’re treated to Megan Corkrey, Mishavonna Henson, Nick Mitchell, Adam Lambert, Jeanine Vailes, Kris Allen, Allison Iraheta, Jasmine Murray, Jesse Langseth, Kai Kalama, Matt Breitzke and Matt Giraud. Hopefully they’ll be more Goods than Uglies.

Season 8, Episodes 12 & 13: Semifinals: Group 1 & Results: Group 1 (originally aired February 17 & 18, 2009)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company

Life: Charlie just can’t catch a break

Charlie Crews and Dani Reese are back…and they’ve managed to find themselves yet another bizarre case. The crime scene involves a dead guy propped in the attic of a house for sale. The catch is the house’s roof was stolen…and the dead guy is literally stuffed to the throat with twenty-dollar bills.

Charlie and Reese identify the corpse and learn that he ran a roofing business…a con business that is. So the missing roof crime scene wasn’t just happenstance; it was a message. The rather unusual con the guy ran consisted of removing people’s roofs and then raising the rates to put them back on, though his partners insist it was a legitimate business. Just by checking the Better Business Bureau, Charlie and Reese discover that this guy had done this to 60 people, providing them with a list of 60 suspects.

They first investigate a guy who insists on wearing gloves and refuses to take them off. Charlie rightfully suspects that he’s wearing those gloves to hide his hands. Finally the guy admits to beating up the victim, but not to killing him, so the detectives move on. Their next bet is to check out the person who filed a complaint against the victim and then mysteriously withdrew it. Maybe they withdrew their complaint because they resolved the matter with a little old-fashioned violence? That seems reasonable, except the potential suspect turns out to be a little old lady. However, the little old lady has an ex-con son nicknamed Sweet Willie who convinced her to drop the complaint because “there is enough hate in this world.” Bingo.

The son runs a little antique joint, but before that, he spent his time blinding people, cutting out their tongues and breaking their fingers. Sweet Willie loves his mommy and claims to be a changed man, but our detectives learn that he has in fact inherited the roofing scam business by threatening the victim’s partners into submission. And his antiques store is merely a front for drug-running. This guy seems like he’s wrapped in a little bow for Charlie and Reese, but he insists he didn’t kill the victim, and since he’s going to jail for conspiracy and possession, he makes a deal. He claims he has the murder weapon that one of the partners gave him for insurance, but when Charlie and Reese check it out, the gun doesn’t match. Now they have to look back to the partners.

Meanwhile Ted gets a surprise visit from his grown daughter, but she turns out to be a weird little twit. She comes over to the house with a film crew, but doesn’t want to talk to Ted about anything, and doesn’t allow Ted to ask her any questions. Then she abruptly leaves and slams the door. Makes a lot of sense.

But on the conspiracy front, Charlie goes after Mickey Rayborn again. Rayborn reluctantly tells Charlie that they did indeed steal the money from the Bank of L.A. during the infamous shootout, but Jack Reese actually gave his away to charity and stayed a cop for the rest of his career. He’s still a bad guy in my book though, no doubt about it. Charlie asks why Rayborn sent him after Roman, and Rayborn claims that Roman was “an investment” but now that Rayborn is dying, he wanted to clear his conscience because Roman is a bad man.

It still doesn’t quite add up, and I don’t understand why they framed Charlie and sent him to prison. To make matters worse, Rayborn disappears off his boat, leaving behind a crap load of blood. And Charlie was the last person to see him alive, so Rayborn’s security firm thinks Charlie killed him, and his fellow officers soon will too. Charlie just can’t catch a break. Fortunately, his tribulations make for damn good television.

Season 2, Episode 15: I Heart Mom (originally aired February 18, 2009)

Disagree with this review?  Read Elma Rahman’s opinion in Not The Facts of Life here.

For more on Life, click here.

Wednesdays at 9/8c, NBC
Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

Dollhouse: The Target

I’m disappointed to announce that it is two episodes in and I’m still not on the Dollhouse bandwagon. If it weren’t a Whedon show it might be fine, but after the intellectual brilliance and emotional resonance of Firefly, I was expecting Dollhouse to be first-rate and it has yet to rise above competence.

None of the characters are vibrant or fascinating. Agent Ballard seems really flat to me. Echo and Langton come closest to jumping off the screen, but we don’t know anything about Echo yet because she is essentially a robot. We don’t know about Langton’s past or why he came to the Dollhouse. I understand that the mandate here is to present the characters and slowly parcel out information about their complicated pasts, and that’s a valid narrative strategy, but only if the characters are interesting enough in the first place to make viewers want to learn more about them. That has not been the case thus far for me.

Plus I just don’t really understand the logic of the concept. Why would there be a need for such an organization that programs people to exist? Where would the funding come from? Are these people just evil or is there more to it? Where do they find their operatives? Where do they find their clients?

Speaking of clients, the one this week is an outdoorsman/survivalist dude that wants his equal. So he goes to the Dollhouse and head honcho Adelle DeWitt frowns and makes sultry glances with her eyes and gives him Echo. Suddenly Echo and Mr. Client are whitewater rafting and rock climbing and hunting and fornicating and it all seems hunky-dory until the dude pulls out a bow and tells Echo she has five minutes to run before he comes after her. Now maybe this is just me, but I don’t think the best way to get a second date is to pull out a bow and threaten homicide.

So Echo runs through the wilderness trying to stay alive as the bad guy stalks her. Langton tries to get to her to help her, while DeWitt and her lackey fume about how their client turned out to be a psychopath and faked his whole identity and references. You just can’t trust anyone these days. But that’s the whole episode essentially, Echo running and trying to survive, then turning the tables on her hunter-the hunted becomes the hunter as the saying goes. You can see this whole thing done better countless other times. Go watch William Friedkin’s The Hunted or any of the Rambo films. It’s the same thing but done way better.

The episode also intersperses flashbacks from about six months ago that show Alpha becoming self-aware or getting PMSed or whatever and slaughtering half the Dollhouse operatives and staff. But he deliberately leaves Echo alive so that must mean something. What I don’t know. There’s also the expected revelation at the end that there are residual memories leftover in Echo, that the wipes don’t completely work. I’m still going to stick with it out of loyalty. The show is entertaining, but it has yet to raise the bar like it should.

Season 1, Episode 2: The Target (originally aired February 20, 2009)

For more on Dollhouse, click here.

Fridays at 9/8C on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Top Chef: Laisser Les Quinze Minutes Inutiles Roll

I preface this review by saying I am very anti-Mardi Gras/Carnival, which is likely no surprise to my regular readers, but for your sake, here’s a fake smile and a hedonist welcome to the Big Easy!  Our final four (not to be confused with the Final Five)–Hosea, Fabio, Carla, and Stefan–arrive at the airport to the Dixieland sounds, Carla’s fancy dance work, and Fabio’s really gay looking scarf.

Quickfire.  Padma and Chef Tom introduce guest chef and New Orleans legend, Emeril Lagasse.  I suppose this is revenge on the Food Network for stealing away Ted Allen.  Anyway, Padma sends out three former contestants–Jamie, Leah, and Jeff, who are to compete for a fifth spot in the semi-finals while the actual semi-finalists look on and wonder what is going on.   After an hour of cooking, we get three dishes based on crawfish.  Jeff wins, proving once again how disappointing Leah’s performance has been this season.  His prize?  Emeril’s new cookbook.

All of the semi-finalists, though, get treated to dinner at Emeril’s new restaurant, Emeril’s Delmonico.  They eat and it’s awkward to watch, between Jeff’s anxiety and Stefan and Hosea trying to psych each other out.  We learn in interviews that Fabio is competing for his sick mother, while Carla is doing this for her husband and stepson.  No word on whether either of them are sick.  What does this mean?  One of these two is going home tonight.

Elimination Challenge.  The next morning the contestants go to the Mardi Gras Warehouse to act as the tourism bureau for Mardi Gras since the building houses floats for the parade.  One float is for Orpheus, which will host a masquerade ball the next night.  Each chef must create two dishes (one of which must be in the creole style) and a cocktail.  Why this needed to happen in the warehouse, I do not know.  But while I ponder that, Padma adds that if Jeff wins the challenge he gets to stay and two chefs go home.  Then suddenly a car appears and Padma says the winner also gets “seven minutes in Heaven” with Emeril in the back seat of a new Toyota Venza.  Or something like that.  I wasn’t listening, but Fabio wants just the car since he’s currently driving around a piece of “poop”–where do you put the key on that?

In some more unnecessary footage, Stefan talks about visiting Fabio on Halloween and surprised that Fabio was dressed in a blond wig, leopard top, leggings, and a thong.  (Britney?!?)  Fabio shares that he always goes as a woman, having previously gone as Catwoman and Wonder Woman.  See, that’s good television.

But let’s get back to the cooking.  They all cook in Emeril’s kitchen.  Carla spends her prep time shucking oysters, or at least that’s what we’re lead to believe.  Fabio is making more Italian than Creole-style food.  Jeff is working his “sex object” ass off, and Hosea is busy worrying about what Stefan is doing.  Stefan, meanwhile, goes out for a cigarette break.  I refuse to hate Stefan no matter how much the producers want me to do so.

At the New Orleans Museum of Art our chefs set up and put the final touches on their dishes.  They also have to teach their bartenders how to make their specialty cocktails.  Carla doesn’t drink, though, so she’s making a non-alcoholic beverage and she stands by that decision.  We’ll see if the raging alcoholics can deal with that decision.  A masked team of four descend the main stairwell and take off their masks.  Why it’s Padma, Tom, Emeril, and Gail!  GAIL?!?   Everyone has missed Gail!  I know I have, especially since Toby was a nightmare.

Let the service begin!  Someone who thinks she’s being cute shouts, “Hootie” at Carla, and Carla gives the appropriate, “Hoo,” counter sign.  Boy, it’s like me and Campos at NY Comic Con.  Anyway, everyone’s drinking and eating; Jeff and Carla present really impressive food.  One point against Jeff, though, is he says “chi-pol-tey,” and I hate when people do that.  It’s “chi-poht-ley“!  Enough of my rant.  Stefan and Fabio are disappointments and Hosea makes a successful gumbo, even though he almost does not have enough food when the judges arrive.  The chefs leave the ball with many beads around their neck, but we’re told no one had to flash anyone to get them.  Well, it is a formal event.

Judges’ Table.  They all love what Jeff did but they love Carla more, so we know he’s going home no matter what.  Her non-alcoholic drink was also favorably received considering her food was so impressive.  Of note, she starts apologizing for her food and they politely tell her to stop talking because she’s hurting her case.  Hosea’s gumbo was a success, which is a big thing for these people.  Fabio and Stefan get the brunt of the judges’ criticisms: Fabio for not having as strong food as everyone else and Stefan for his food not living up to his attitude (or something).

After deliberations, Carla wins!  Emeril makes a point of complimenting Jeff on his work, and I suspect Emeril might not have liked the silly rules when others are staying who did not do as good of a job as Jeff did.  In the end, it comes down to Team Euro and whether Fabio was worse than Stefan.  He was and is going home.  How disappointing, especially for Mama Fabio!  To the audience I’m sure it looked like Stefan got another pass, which is why I would have given the win to Jeff and sent both Stefan and Fabio home.  Reward talent, not drama, I say, but that doesn’t make good television, I know.

So with one more week to go with this season, we’ll see if Stefan can pull it off or if Carla the Tortoise can pass the hairless Hare, Stefan, while he goes out for another smoke break.  Aesop, don’t fail me now!

Next week: Cook a three-course meal.  While a simple challenge, I’m sure someone will screw this up with a duo, scallop dish, or the always boring tuna tartare.  And with it all, I’m still saying Stefan for the win.

P.S. If you, like me, were trying to play a drinking game with the Katrina references, the final score was two.  How disappointing!

Season 5, Episode 13: Finale Part 1 (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out This Is Not a Butt-Rubbing Contest by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Virginia Sherwood and NBC Universal

Top Chef: This Is Not a Butt-Rubbing Contest

Bittersweet:  (adj) pleasant with overtones of sadness.

We open with the final four chefs arriving at the airport and finding each other as if this were a new season of The Real World. Wow, remember when that show was good? Instead, we’re in New Orleans and the four babble on about how they’ve studied and want to win and isn’t New Orleans pretty, and Hosea’s all, I’m ashamed I’ve never been here before (why?), and Fabio sports a mohawk and a pink pashmina scarf, and Carla dances to a band playing in the airport. I’m pretty sure the editors found a track of “As the Saints Go Marching In” to play over the band, instead of actually recording the band. So much for local flavor.

Quickfire. The chefs arrive at a plantation house, where Padma, Colicchio, and Guest Judge Emeril Lagasse wait on the lawn in front of three tables. We hear some more about how unique and wonderful New Orleans is, so obviously, Quaker is out and New Orleans is in as the sponsor of this week’s episode. Someone prompts Emeril to say that New Orleans is going through a rebirth so that Colicchio can segue into the Quickfire of Second Chances: Out walk Jamie, Dr. Chase, and Leah, who will be the only ones competing in the Quickfire to determine which of the three can go through a rebirth (get it???) and return to the competition. Jamie says, “I kind of had a feeling we were going to get thrown back in the kitchen somehow,” so obviously, Jamie’s not the know-it-all we all remember. And then Hosea grumbles about Leah being back, because its “going to be a little interesting for me, a little awkward…” so obviously, it’s not all about him anymore. Dr. Chase still feels he was unjustly eliminated, and he deserves a second chance. Leah’s never worked with these ingredients before, “so I don’t even know.” See how much they’ve all grown? Oh lord.

The assignment is crawfish-related dishes, because this is New Orleans, y’all, in case you’ve forgotten. Though all three are delicious, there can be only one – and Dr. Chase is back in the competition! That’s awesome, not just because he was always the best of the three and sure, perhaps he was eliminated too early, but it’s nice to see him back on television after the producers over at House felt it necessary to keep him out of the 100^th episode. However, Chase’s win comes with a condition: he must win the Elimination Challenge in order to reach the finale, thereby eliminating two of the current chefs. If he doesn’t win it all, he’s going home!

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will cater a masked ball-Mardi Gras event, and must create two dishes and one cocktail for a crowd of 100 people. One dish must be in the Creole style of cooking. Not only will winning guarantee the chef a spot in the finale, but he or she will also win a new Toyota Venza. Let’s all take a moment to mourn the end of the Bravo/Saturn relationship. Bye, Saturn! We will miss your product placement-themed episodes and Innovation commercials. Way to go, Economy.

But on to happier memories, wherein Stefan describes visiting Fabio for Halloween. Er, this should explain the pink pashmina in the opening, as apparently Fabio likes to dress as women for Halloween, which includes a past history as Catwoman and Wonder Woman. In the background, Dr. Chase rolls his eyes.

And now back to the cooking! The chefs prep in Emeril’s Delmonico kitchen. Of note, Stefan and Hosea are both making gumbo. Stefan’s over the challenge before it even starts, not bothering to make his dishes from scratch. This of course, leaves him time for a smoke, and there’s a sex joke in there that I won’t make, but feel free to anyone at home. Do you need me to remind you how much Hosea hates Stefan? I’m imagining you all shouting “No!” so just re-read any of the other recaps if you’ve forgotten.

Fabio makes extra food, but goes against the challenge requirements of a Creole dish by infusing his with more Italian flavor. Carla struggles with her oyster stew because … she doesn’t know how to shuck oysters. She spends most of her time trying to do that, while Colicchio reveals in an interview that all she had to do was steam them and pop the shells open. Oops! I hope Carla doesn’t go down for this one.

With one hour to go, the chefs move over to the New Orleans Museum of Art for the event. The bartenders arrive to handle the drinks, and we learn that Chase has created a cucumber mojito, which just sounds awful if you dislike cucumbers, which I do. Fabio’s created a bell pepper martini, and Carla’s gone with a non-alcoholic spritzer, because she doesn’t drink. You’re still cool in my book, Crazy Dry Carla.

The judges arrive and the party starts, and Gail Simmons is back! No more bad show biz comparisons and dead, fat, Elvis jokes. RIP Toby Young!

All the masks remind Fabio of porn. He and I watch different — wait, never mind. Members of the crowd shout “Hootie!” at Carla, who “Hoo!”‘s right back at them. She’s having so much fun, which makes the food taste better. “It’s that love thing.” I mean, how can you not love her? Hosea feels his gumbo is the most authentic dish, so that should carry him through. He also does a creepy wink at Gail after introducing his food. Gross. Stefan claims that he tried Hosea’s gumbo and it was “nasty.”

The judges repeat all their comments at the Judges’ Table, so let’s just do that. But the nicest part of this serving is that the judges were pleased with all of the dishes – I think it’s the first time all season that everyone came through and actually did a good job. So, on to…

Judges’ Table. Chase’s cucumber mojito was the judges’ favorite cocktail. Blah, blah, the judges love his choices, spices, and dishes. He’s all, “well, it’s just simple homemade sausage.” Even when he’s humble, he’s kind of a prick.

Fabio’s flavoring was “on,” with delicious pasta, but overall, his dishes lacked spice and “kick.” Even his drink was too sweet. Stefan’s gumbo lacked punch and the deep flavor the dish is known for, but the grits underneath were perfect. The dessert dish was good, but didn’t work well with the cocktail. Stefan shrugs it all off, so Colicchio calls him out on his calm, cocky attitude. Stefan claims that he’s a little too old for stress, “if it works out, it works out, if not, fine.” Which comes off as patronizing and as though he doesn’t really care about his fate in the competition. If only attitude really mattered on Top Chef.

Nothing but compliments for Crazy Carla! Gail loves Carla’s shrimp beignet, and says she could have popped them in her mouth all night, and I know you all want to make that inappropriate joke. Because I do, but Gail’s only been back, like, twenty seconds. Moving on to Hosea, who impressed Emeril with his gumbo. Oh, I’m not going to say nice things about Hosea, so I’ll sum it up by saying the judges enjoyed his dishes. Off to the stew room!

Deliberation. Interestingly, there was a problem with each element of Stefan’s dishes, and though Fabio had his own issues, the judges seemed to have enjoyed his more. Stefan’s attitude also comes up for discussion. The question becomes then, whether or not Dr. Chase wins and eliminates them both, or if someone else wins and only one of the Euro Twins goes.

And so – suspense, suspense, suspense…and Crazy Carla wins! Hootie! In her interview, she giggles like a schoolgirl over winning the car, and I’ve giggled like that over him. So I get it, girl! Go you! Then she sobers and quietly says, “My husband would be proud. All of my friends would be so proud of me.” And she tears up a bit but pulls it together.

That’s why Carla rocks. Because out of everybody on this show, possibly ever, she truly appreciates what’s happening to her. She takes the wins humbly and with class. She doesn’t kick anybody on her way up or down. I never thought she’d make it this far, but she’s held her own all this time, and it’s nice to see the good guys win. Or at least make it to the finale.

And then there’s Dr. Chase, who, by default, must now leave. Later, bitch!

Hosea also makes it through. Between Fabio and Stefan – suspense, suspense, suspense … Fabio … goes home. Did you hear that? That was my heart breaking. And this sucks, because for all the smack talk and any arrogance on Fabio’s part, he also had his heart in the game. The win would mean more to him than to Stefan. I think we all know who needs to win fan favorite, America. Get on that!

And there’s your final three! Who else is surprised?

Next week: Twists, fights, fingers, finale, and was that Rocco DiSpirito?

Season 5, Episode 13: Finale Part 1 (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Laisser Les Quinze Minutes Inutiles Roll by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Virginia Sherwood and NBC Universal

Lost: Land of the Lost

This week we spend all of our time with the Oceanic Six and their journey back to the Island.  We also see one of the famous J.J. Abrams storytelling techniques: the X hours earlier motif.  So in that spirit, 36 hours ago, I watched Lost and here’s what happened:

Ben leads Jack, Sun, and Desmond into the church to meet Ms. Hawking.  She shows them all the Light Post and all the C.S. Lewis fans in the house say, “Narnia, y’all!”  The Lamp Post is a mainland Dharma Initiative station that detects electromagnetic anomalies to help identify not where but when the Island is.  In fact, this station was used by the Dharma Initiative to first locate the Island.  Inside the station we see lots of old Batman-style computers (the ones with lots of flashing lights and buttons) and a swinging Foucault pendulum.  Ms. Hawking explains that all of the Oceanic Six must be on Ajira Airways flight 316 the next day, headed toward Guam.  And that they’ll need to recreate as much of the original flight as possible, whatever that means.  Desmond thinks they’re all nuts for wanting to go back to the Island, so he storms out even as Ms. Hawking says the Island is not yet finished with him.

She pulls Jack aside for an after-school detention and talks with him about Locke.  He learns that Locke committed suicide and left a note for Jack.  Jack spends the rest of the episode avoiding the letter.  They leave Ms. Hawking’s place with plans to meet up at LAX the next day.  Ben tells Jack he needs to get something of his father’s to bring on the flight; we don’t get an explanation of this but I’m sure we’ll get a clear answer in the future, right?  RIGHT?!?  Anyway, Jack visits his grandfather at Shady Pines and collects an old pair of dress shoes that belonged to his father, Dr. Christian Shepard a/k/a the Ghost of Island’s Past.  He returns to his house, where Kate appears sans Aaron and agrees to go on the flight with Jack if he never asks her about Aaron’s body floating downstream to Mexico.  Or something; she’s cryptic like everyone else on this show so who knows what she did with the kid.  But that just gets Jack hot and they sleep together.

The next morning Jack gets a call from a bloody Ben, who needs Jack to pick up Locke’s body from the butcher.  At the butcher’s, Jack puts his father’s shoes on Locke’s feet, and gives Locke back the letter he left for Jack.  It’s off to the airport!

At LAX, Hurley is released from jail and reading a comic book and carrying a guitar, probably named Charlie or Suckshaft or something.  Sayid is being escorted by law enforcement.  Kate looks sad, natch.  Jack looks the same as he did when he was leaving from Sydney years ago, only more attractive–probably because he was sober before this flight.  And Sun is, well what is she doing?  She’s a little too calm for it all.  They get on the plane (with Hurley buying up as many of the seats as he can) and are all seated in the first-class section, along with new character Caesar who I thought we’d previously seen on this show but in fact I just recognized him from the recent movie of the week, House of Saddam.  Oh and here comes Ben at the last minute, with Hurley freaking out and revealing that everyone in the first-class section knows each other.  If they had any security on the plane, that would have set off the warning lights.

Once in the air, Jack hears that Frank Lapidus is the pilot (remember him?) and, in the second suspicious act of the flight, asks the flight attendant to tell the pilot he has a friend on board.  Lapidus, who you’ll recall was supposed to be the pilot of flight 815, greets Jack, notices the other Oceanics in the cabin, and realizes this plane isn’t going to Guam.

Back in his seat, Jack is fidgeting while Ben reads Ulysses, thanks to his mother’s literacy teaching skills.  Jack reads Locke’s one-line note of Locke wishing Jack would finally believe him.  I guess Jack does because the plane starts shaking and there’s a flash of light.  We cut to an eye opening (just like in the first episode!) and it’s Jack laying on the ground in the jungle.  Is he back on the Island?  While we wonder that, we see he’s still holding a piece of Locke’s note when he drops it and runs to a pond where he rescues Hurley and Kate.  Just then a blue van drives up and I think it’s going to be Ben’s father.  But no, it’s a surprised Jin . . . in a Dharma uniform, pointing a gun at these three.  Uh oh!

So where’s everyone else from the flight or did the Quantum Leap light just grab the people the Island wanted to grab?  All these and more questions might be answered next week but I’m sure only more will crop up.

Season 5, Episode 6: 316 (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Oh, stop thinking how ridiculous it is! by Robin Reed.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Lost: Oh, stop thinking how ridiculous it is!

I wasn’t into the idea of watching an entire hour about the Oceanic Six, but this episode wasn’t too bad. Even though it was a Jack episode, and almost nothing actually happened in it.

The basics: The Oceanic Six, minus Aaron, plus Ben, go back to the island.

That’s pretty much it. But, I guess I’ll offer a few more details.

First, Mrs. Hawking gives us all a history/physics/guilt-trip lecture in her best chipper-high-school-teacher voice. The Oceanic Six, she says, have 36 hours to get back to the island. To do so they have to get on Ajira Airways Flight 316, which will be heading over the island’s location on its ostensible route to Guam. But instead of saying that they absolutely need the entire Oceanic Six to go, like they’ve been saying all season, she says they just need as many of them as they can get. Jack and Sun are immediately on board with this plan. So is Kate (without Aaron) after she’s had a few mysterious hours to think it over, and then in the end Sayid and Hurley show up at the airport too. Also, Mrs. Hawking tells Jack that they need to bring Locke’s body on the flight as a “proxy” for the deceased Christian Shepard, because they need to replicate the original flight as much as possible, which is totally not the real reason. Also, Jack has to get his dead father’s shoes and put them on Locke’s feet. Um, yeah. Anyway, they get on the plane and it starts getting severely turbulent and I cover my eyes, but it doesn’t crash; instead, we fade to white, and then Jack, Hurley, and Kate wake up on the island.

The good:

• The opening sequence is really cool. We open with a close-up shot of Jack’s eye that mirrors the pilot episode’s, and then we get to see Jack King of the Jungle, thrilled to be back home, running through the forest after Hurley, who’s shouting for help. Instead of running to the beach, he runs to the waterfall, where Hurley is struggling to stay afloat. Jack dives in and helps him, then spies Kate nearby, passed out. Jack has forgotten he’s a doctor so he just shakes her until she wakes up. Then we get a title card — “46 Hours Earlier” — and cut to the not-as-good L.A. portion of the episode.
• When they get to the airport, Hurley, assuming the flight will crash, buys all the remaining tickets — 78 of them — so no one can get on standby. I have mixed feelings about Hurley, but when he does stuff like this (as he does pretty often), it makes me want to love him. (Meanwhile, appropriately, Jack only thinks to ask Ben what will happen to the other people on the flight once they’re already taxiing down the runway. Ben’s equally appropriate response: “Who cares?”)

The bad:

• “This is ridiculous!” Jack shouts to Mrs. Hawking at the start to the ep, serving as a proxy for the audience. “Oh, stop thinking how ridiculous it is!” says Mrs. Hawking, serving as a proxy for Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse.  “And start asking yourself whether or not you believe it’s going to work. That’s why it’s called a leap of faith, Jack.” Okay, okay, Damon/Carlton, I’ll give you another season and a half to justify all this if you promise to stop acting so desperate about it.
• While in Mrs. Hawking’s church, we have to listen to Ben telling us a Bible story about Doubting Thomas.  It’s about faith or whatever. Give it a rest, Ben. If I wanted soap operas to preach at me about faith I’d be watching 7th Heaven reruns on The Hallmark Channel.
• It really was a mostly okay episode, but nevertheless, what with all the Jack angst happening, there were a couple of moments where I seriously found myself wondering what Sawyer and Juliet were up to right about then.

The stuff that will matter next week:

• Mrs. Hawking reveals some stuff about the history of the island, including how the Dharmas first found it. Apparently the island is always moving, which is why the flight 815 survivors were never rescued.
• Jack and Kate hook up again, and Jack clearly wants it to last, but Kate has a lot more on her mind than nookie. “We’re on the same plane, Jack,” she says. “That doesn’t make us together.” Ouch.
• We’re told that Locke committed suicide, and he left a note for Jack that just says, “Jack, I wish you had believed.” Uh, okay.
• We don’t know what made Kate, Sayid, and Hurley decide to get on the plane to go back to the island. Something happened to change their minds in the 36 hours between when Jack and Sun arrived at Mrs. Hawking’s church and when the flight took off. Although Sayid may not have made the decision for himself, since he gets on the flight escorted by a woman with a badge. Also during this time, Kate ditches Aaron, or something, but she refuses to answer any of Jack’s questions about it. (Look, I’ll give them exactly two episodes to tell us where Aaron is before I start ranting. That’s all the trust you’ve earned, show.) Also, Ben turns up covered in blood, which may or may not be his, due to something that happened in that same time frame.
• We don’t know exactly how they got back on the island. All Jack, Sawyer, and Kate remember is getting knocked around on the plane and then waking up on the island, with Sun, Sayid, and Ben nowhere in sight. The “46 hours” thing would seem to indicate that they lost some time.
• The Ajira Airways pilot is Frank from last season. He’s got a terrible haircut and is surprised to see the Oceanic Six on his plane. But he figures out what’s going on pretty darn quick. I hope we get to see him on the island soon.
• A random passenger on the flight speaks to Jack, and gets shown a couple of times sitting with the Oceanic Six in first class. Looks like we’ve got ourselves a new character for the roster.
• Then, at the very end of the ep, Jack et al see a Dharma VW bug drive up to them, complete with a Dharma driver — but wait, it’s Jin in a Dharma jumpsuit! Love it. I want Jin to pop up in unexpected places at the end of every episode from now on.

So, now we’re in the 70s, I guess. But Locke was sure that bringing the Oceanic Six back to the island would stop the time-traveling. So does that mean our islanders are in the 70s for good? Or at least for a multi-episode arc? That would explain Daniel’s jumpsuit in the season premiere, too. And it would just generally be cool. I think it would be fun to hang out with the Dharma folks for a while.

Next week, we have to watch a whole episode about Locke. Noooooo!!!! Waaaalllltttttt!!!!

Season 5, Episode 6: 316 (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Land of the Lost by J.B. Perlow.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Burn Notice: Truth and Reconciliation

Never trust a Cayman Islands bank manager. Michael learns that lesson in the teaser of this week’s Burn Notice. He was supposed to be meeting Gustavo-the bank manager who hid money for the man who tried to kill Michael-to exchange a large amount of money for a little bit of info. But Michael wisely got suspicious and revealed the guy to be an imposter. The imposter got a little touchy. He pulled a knife on Michael and Michael threw him off the parking structure to his death. Just one of those days…

Sam shows up at Michael’s loft with some information on the real Gustavo, as well as a really, really big fish he caught while fishing with his police officer friend. It turns out the real Gustavo was killed a few days ago at a bar, and the imposter Michael helped learn how to fly is a mystery man. But before Michael can find out anything about him, a man named Claude Laurent shows up and he needs Michael’s help. As John McClane once said, “Nice to be needed.”

Claude’s daughter was murdered in Haiti a few years ago and the killer, Jean-Pierre Duman, is now living under a new identity in Miami. Claude wants Michael to help him extradite Duman back to Haiti to be prosecuted. Michael initially doesn’t want to take the case because there isn’t much to go on, but Sam persuades him in his typical far-from-subtle manner.

With Sam’s help, Michael tracks down Duman. His objective is to prove that Duman is Duman and not the fabrication he has cooked up, but it won’t be easy. Duman is a stone cold, powerful killer with a whole force of ruthless goons at his disposal. In fact, he’s one of the most memorable Burn Notice villains.

Fiona volunteers her seductress services and goes to work on Duman, getting him to tell her his true identity in his native language, French. He shows Fiona around his house, and she manages to plant a bug in his office. But before they can make any more progress, Claude shows up outside the house and starts screaming for Duman to confront him. Michael barely manages to grab Claude before he gets killed. This presents an interesting dynamic, with Michael’s own stubborn client working against him by refusing to go back to Haiti and sit on the sidelines. Michael can’t help but respect Claude, even as he wants to wring his neck.

Now Michael’s only option is to get some tangible evidence proving Duman’s identity, and to turn him in to the Feds. He asks Sam to mend fences with the agents that Sam was originally informing to about Michael last season. They can’t get involved officially, but if Sam is good at anything, it’s unofficial stuff. Michael then presents himself to Duman as a fixer who can help Duman stay in hiding because the FBI is investigating Duman. That’s right, the same agents Sam just schmoozed up. But things don’t go exactly as planned, as they rarely do, and we get some great gunplay and one of Michael’s most inventive bad guy traps yet.

We also get some nice interaction between Michael and Madeline, talking about Michael’s father and childhood. And Victor, played by Michael Shanks, makes a surprise appearance in the last moments of the episode, setting up another great piece of the puzzle to be explored. The cast remains top-notch, and everything really comes together smoothly and satisfyingly. Burn Notice is still firmly on track as one of the most entertaining, well-executed shows on television, and that’s a reason to celebrate, even in the doldrums of winter.

Season 2, Episode 14: Truth and Reconciliation (originally aired February 19, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of Glenn Watson, NBC Universal, and USA

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