Heroes: Building 26

Everyone’s been staying busy since many of them crashed in the midwest. Claire saved a comic book geek and stood up to her dad…again. Ando and Hiro were the worst kind of wedding crashers. Nathan was put in hot water, and Sylar grew closer to his new buddy Luke.

Though most of our heroes didn’t cross paths Monday night, the episode felt a lot more cohesive and focused. We followed on a few storylines, and many of our heroes didn’t even grace our screens. As long as they stick to a clearly defined path and concentrate on more of our heroes’ internal struggles, I don’t mind less Peter or Mohinder. We’ll see them when we need to!

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

One thing is clear after tonight. Luke is, most definitely, not a shy teenager. If I were cooped up in a car with Sylar, I wouldn’t be able to control my nervous eye twitch. Yet Luke continues to push Sylar as close to the edge as possible. He quickly labels Sylar a serial killer and taunts that his father sold him for cash. Even knowing that Sylar can read minds, he repeatedly lies about where his father was and where they were going. (How annoying is that feeling of not knowing where you’re going until you’re right at the turn? I feel your pain, Sylar.) By holding information hostage, Luke convinces Sylar to stop at a diner. It’s here that they really bond when Sylar shares his code (á la my favorite murderer Dexter Morgan.) And right before the moment gets too gushy, SWAT Ninjas drops in. They get off a few rounds in Sylar, but Luke distracts the men long enough for his new mentor to get to the car. Luke runs after him but is greeted with a locked passenger door. Seemingly doomed to join Tracy, Luke is caught, but Sylar returns, killing all the ninjas still hanging around. He tells Luke, he only came back for the mens’ tracker, and that he was just lucky, but I say Sylar is our new baddie with a heart of gold.

Bollywood Wedding

Ando and Hiro reach the destination depicted in Parkman’s drawing. Hiro’s so excited, it’s like he just drank eight cups of coffee. He goes off in search of the Indian bride, but Ando find her first. She never wanted this wedding, but it was arranged to get the groom of her father’s back. When Ando shows her his supercharge power, she confesses that she prayed for a sign from God signaling to her it was okay to be a runaway bride. Hiro’s disappointed because Ando took his destiny from right under him, but Ando thinks he’s just jealous. Unfortunately, destiny proved again to be unfaltering when Hiro has to save Ando, who was kidnapped by the very angry groom, and convince the bride (again) to call off the wedding. It’s at this point, Hiro gets his own sign, when he realizes the reason he was sent to rescue the bride was not to regain his powers but to realize he can be a hero without powers.

Operation Go

Nathan doesn’t only have the Hunter to worry about when Abby Collins, played by the lovely Moira Kelly (One Tree Hill), turns up to shut down his operation. She’s had enough after she sees Tracy, an old Washington acquaintance, inhumanely strapped down in an extremely hot cell. (Things look pretty bad for our pretty boy.) Until…Tracy escapes! Amid her struggle with some of the ninjas, she ices and disintegrates one of them, and that’s all Abby needs to witness to change her mind. (Maybe a little fast of a shift but okay.) Nathan will now have all the money and aid he needs to get the job done. Later, when Nathan visits Tracy, she confesses that she knows he loosened her straps and wanted her to escape. Of course, he would never, but this sets off a lightbulb in his head. He beelines it to the Hunter and questions how he could sacrifice one of his own men. The Hunter SO creepily acknowledges that sometimes, when you’re in a war, there will be casualties.

Rebel With a Cause

Contact with the anonymous texter has gotten Claire all jazzed up, and you can’t put Baby in a corner. Rebel sends her a text message that says to warn Alex at the comic book store. I guess it’s a small town, so off she goes. A baffled Alex wonders why a pretty girl walked into the store looking for her, when Noah arrives. Using some stealthy cell phone action, Claire distracts her father long enough for the two of them to escape. Alex shares his super lung powers with Claire on their ride back to Casa de Bennet. (How is this kid dangerous, again?) At home, she spills the beans about dad’s real job to her extremely gullible mother who promptly kicks Papa Bear out. In a tender moment, Noah and Claire say goodbye to each other, and he promises to try and learn how to be a better man. But we know Claire isn’t going to try and be a less pain-in-the-ass daughter, especially since once he leaves, she pulls Alex out of the closet and throws him a sleeping bag.

I will say, this is the first recap that wasn’t a brain-spasm to write. Everything flowed really well, and I even liked the final surprise scene where we see a drugged Noah and get screen wide reveal of Peter, Parkman and Mohinder. What are those sneaky boys up to? I’m finally interested, writers. You hooked me again, and it only took two great episodes.

Season 3, Episode 16: Building 26 (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Monsoon Wedding Crashers by Paul Secrest.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

Heroes: Monsoon Wedding Crashers

Oh, for the love of all things genetically enhanced, why can’t the overpaid typewriter monkeys in the Heroes writers’ room come up with plotlines for Hiro that don’t absolutely blow chunks? Ever since he inexplicably lost his powers way back in season 1 and felt the need to go on a mishap-laden road trip to find a special sword, the man with the potential to bring comic relief and optimism to the show’s often dark world has brought little more than idiocy and frustration. And you can’t blame Masi Oka. He’s always doing the best work he can with what he’s given. Languishing in feudal Japan for half of season 2, trapped in the mind of his 10-year-old self, or, in the case of this week, poking around at a wedding in New Delhi in an attempt to fulfill Matt’s annoying new drawings. Each one feels a little more tedious than the last. If not for my stern sense of journalistic integrity, I would have fast forwarded every one of Hiro’s scenes, since the rest of the episode was actually quite good. The only lasting contribution to the series in any way was the final act reveal that the still unidentified “Rebel” somehow knew Hiro & Ando would be in India when he sends the sub-dynamic duo a fax. Seriously? Would it be so hard to just text them like Claire? Seriously?

At Hero Hunter HQ, Nathan & Danko’s mission receives a potential stumbling block in the form of Abby, a bureaucrat with a disbelief in superpowers and a pesky insistence on observing things like due process and human rights. Unfortunately, Danko stages a cruel bit of theater by allowing the incarcerated Tracy to escape just long enough to freeze a guy to death in front of Abby’s eyes. Problem solved, Abby’s on board, system of justice tragically circumvented.

Claire’s dealing with a unique set of problems at home when concealing everything that went down back east during her “college tour” forces more lies to come between her and her mom. And the fact that Rebel starts sending Claire on search and rescue missions ensures rocky relations with daddy as well. The mysterious texter’s first assignment leads Claire to a comic shop where she meets Alex, an impossibly-hot-for-a-comic-book-salesman lad with the power to breathe underwater. Yeah, that represents a serious threat to society, Nathan. She escapes with the fishman and avoids dad’s thugs, but the lifestyle of constant evasion and deception finally proves too much to handle and she spills the beans to mom. In one of the most grounded and realistic family drama twists to hit Heroes in a very long time, an understandably pissed Sandra kicks Noah out of the house. The episode ends with a crowd pleasing cliffhanger when a despondent Noah gets slipped a mickey at his hotel bar by the otherwise absent fugitive dream team of Peter, Matt, & Mohinder. Can’t wait to watch Matt further engage in the art of psychic interrogation.

For all you Sylar fans out there (myself resoundingly included) I’ve saved the best for last: With Luke at his side as a villain in training slash road map to dad, we get to see Sylar have a casual conversation with an ally for the first time. Even considering all the time wasted watching him debate whether he’s good or bad earlier this season, never have I seen Sy grow as a character as much as he did with Luke. Whether being humorously forced to admit that he is indeed a serial killer or showing a spark of humanity by rescuing Luke from the hunters, this episode made me enjoy Sylar even more than before. In a just world, Zachary Quinto would be staring down a supporting actor Emmy nod.

Season 3, Episode 16: Building 26 (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis‘ review here.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

The Closer: Love and Witchcraft

Perhaps making a little fun of competing shows such as NBC’s Medium, Deputy Johnson and her detectives take a little help from a self-professed psychic and Johnson’s quirky sister-in-law-to-be, Claire (Amy Sedaris), who envisions a river, a barking dog, a train, and an odd-looking tree linked to their current case, the death of horror director, a Mr. Thompson.  Claire offers her assistance while tagging along with Johnson for the day after Fritz is too busy setting up for a big take down on the El Jefe case.  Oddly, Claire’s images prove to be somewhat accurate, including the river, which ends up being the play Vermillion, a gothic tale of love and witchcraft set on the Vermillion River in Louisiana, that is later linked to the murder.  As the detectives continue to investigate, Thompson’s wife’s body is later discovered in her garage where the car had been left running.  But Claire’s abilities are scrutinized when she has a sketch artist draw up a picture of the person she believes is the murderer only to discover the drawing is of Pope.

Pope is not amused by Claire, the powers she claims to have, or the fact that he is the latest suspect in the case.  But Pope has some important information of his own when he tells Johnson there is a possible promotion for a member of her Major Crimes Unit.  Of course, he is not able to tell her who the person to be promoted will be, but does balk at her to try and focus on more than one case at a time.  At the office, things continue to heat up between Sgt. Daniels and Det. Daniels whose on- again, off-again relationship is back on.

Johnson has an easier time narrowing in on her suspect this episode, likely because the suspect has not covered their tracks or is as coldly calculating as last week’s attorney/serial killer.  Too bad Claire and her powers had not come along a little sooner.  Claire later believes her signals were crossed when she saw Pope’s image as the murderer, because she was channeling Johnson’s fear of commitment after one failed marriage and one failed affair with Pope earlier.  If only Johnson had an easier time with her relationships as she did figuring out murderers.

Season 4, Episode 14: Fate Line (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For more on The Closer, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on TNT

Photograph courtesy of TNT and IMDbPro

Supernatural: Running Scared

This week’s episode opens to Dean (Jensen Ackles) running hysterically from a seemingly harmless and cute, little dog with a pink bow on its head.  Cut to a scene hours before in which Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean talk the  county coroner into giving recently deceased Frank O’Brien a proper autopsy.  Blood red spleen juice squirts out of the body and onto Sam’s face, as the coroner has Dean hold O’Brien’s almost fresh heart.  The coroner finds nothing wrong with O’Brien’s body, but O’Brien’s neighbor reports that O’Brien had recently been afraid of everything.  O’Brien’s behavior and Dean’s sudden scaredy cat tendencies confirm that O’Brien and a few other victims have been overcome by a spirit that inhabits them with fear.  Amidst Dean’s symptoms, including fear of the fourth floor, guns, and all other non-threatening objects, Dean wonders why he is the one infected and not Sam who had been marinated in O’Brien’s spleen juice earlier.  Sam explains that the spirit has a tendency to seek out people who are generally dicks, therefore, Dean was the ideal target.

Sam and Dean later discover the fear inducing spirit may have been linked to O’Brien’s wife, Jessie, who had committed suicide.  Jessie also had a secret admirer, a co-worker named Luther, who was obsessed with Jessie and posted sketches of her on his wall.  After Jessie’s death, Frank discovers the disturbing pictures Luther had made of his wife and blames him for his wife’s death.  Frank drags Luther to his car where he wraps a chain around his neck and drags his body with his car until Luther is killed.  Luther’s brother tells Sam and Dean that although everyone knew Frank had killed Luther, Frank was too powerful to be charged with the murder.  As Sam and Dean try to figure out how to rid the town of the spirit, Dean becomes more and more frightened, eventually running for his life at the sight of a tiny dog with the big, pink bow.

While this week’s episode managed to have its amusing moments, mostly at the expense of Dean, the show has had better story-lines.  Autopsy scenes, along with the idea of a man killed while being dragged by a car, were particularly gory; however, the plot itself could have been a bit more original.  But Jensen Ackles’ performance was refreshing for its departure from his usually aloof, bad boy image as Dean.  And even more entertaining was the clip of Jensen Ackles rocking out and playing leg guitar to “Eye of the Tiger” after the show.

Season 4, Episode 6: Yellow Fever (originally aired October 23, 2008)

For more on Supernatural, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and IMDbPro

House: Religious Hokum Against Sponge Bath

House is in excellent form this week, giving viewers one of the best episodes in a long while. This is what should have been the 100^th episode, as it features the hallmarks of what has made House so successful: provocative medical cases, highly intricate dialogue, probing character studies, examination of what it means to have faith in a faithless world, and complex interrelationships. And of course it is fun and entertaining to boot.

The episode begins with a disillusioned priest, who, after dealing with an endless supply of needy pushers and homeless bums, holes up in his apartment and has a nice visit with the Booze Fairy. He hears a knock at the door and reluctantly answers it to find Jesus, bloody and floating in front of him. Is he in a drunken stupor and hallucinating, or is he having a breakdown, or is the big man upstairs really visiting him?

At work, House has his own problem: Cuddy wants him to come to her Jewish baby naming ceremony, which would interfere with House’s openly-stated plans with two hookers. He would have to make a devastating choice between “religious hokum” and a sponge bath…if he didn’t know that Cuddy was trying to play him with some reverse psychology because she doesn’t really want him to be there. Or does she?

House takes the priest case even though Cameron thinks he’s only suffering from alcoholism and/or exhaustion because House never passes up the opportunity to take on religion and give it a beat down. Can’t say I blame him. House also makes the smart and welcome decision to force Foreman and Thirteen to make a choice between their relationships or their careers, because having both jeopardizes both:

House: “If you don’t split, you must quit.”

Thirteen: “We’re adults. We can handle this. You just have to give us a chance.”

House: “No you’re not. No you can’t. And no I don’t.”

I watched that scene four times. Thirteen and Foreman are so obnoxious together…what a cathartic treat it is to see House put them in their place. They wrongly assume that House is just playing a game with them, that his only interest is in causing conflict between them, so they decide to ignore his ultimatum. Bad call…House fires Foreman. Woo hoo! Never liked him anyway! Hated his facial hair! So glad he’s gone…wait, he’s not gone? No, because Foreman can’t get a job anywhere else because he screwed the pooch royally by compromising his Huntington’s trials for Thirteen, so Thirteen decides to quit to save Foreman, except things go awry. The moral of the story is don’t get involved with someone you work with. How hard is that to understand?

Taub meanwhile wants to discharge the priest because he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him, and believes the priest is a pedophile, though the priest claims it was all a misunderstanding. I couldn’t blame Taub for not believing the priest, but I knew he was innocent because it makes for more dramatic television. How the case develops is skillfully handled, and the writing presents a fascinating inquiry into how everyone hides behind some veneer of hypocrisy in their professional and personal lives so that they can get by and find enough meaning to keep going.

There’s also a twist at the end that implies strongly that Foreman and Thirteen by some impossible force outplayed House and got the last laugh. Can it be? I suspect not. Hopefully next episode House will turn the tables again and put those tools in their place. Maybe he can drug Foreman and dry shave that disgusting patch of hair off his face. Seriously why does he think that’s attractive? What statement is he trying to make? If House doesn’t shave him, maybe the showrunners can force him to shave it for May sweeps. I know I’d tune in big time for that.

Season 5, Episode 15: Unfaithful (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out My position is, you’re wrong. by Robin Reed.

For more on House, click here.

House, Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of FOX Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro

House: My position is, you’re wrong.

Yay. It’s another Thirteen/Foreman centric episode. Because that’s totally the reason I and 15 million other people have been watching this show for five years. Because we want to see more about Thirteen and Foreman.

So let’s get it over with.

House, who I guess is bored with this storyline too, issues an ultimatum: Either they break up, or one of them quits. They decide to call House’s bluff by refusing to do either, so House fires Foreman. Then Foreman and Thirteen (or “Foreteen,” as House insists on calling them, which has irritated me ever since I saw Omar Epps crowing about it on the red carpet) angst and argue about what to do. Yes, it’s just as lame as it sounds.

When Cuddy refuses to give Foreman a letter of recommendation, he realizes that he really did ruin his career with that stunt in the clinical trial. Well, yeah. Maybe now he’ll go work for a free clinic somewhere and help actual people instead of torturing/treating one patient a week and getting to feel smart about it. But no, no, Foreman is too good for that. He must have his old job back and he must have it now.

So Thirteen finds another job and gets House to agree to hire Foreman back. Then Foreman and Thirteen have a big fight and break up right in front of House. House is thrilled, because, according to him, “Conflict breeds creativity.” Well, that, or he’s so miserable he can’t have Cuddy that he’s determined to screw up everyone else’s relationships. But then it turns out that Foreman and Thirteen just pretended to break up for House’s benefit. And I was all set to give the show credit, since I didn’t see that coming, but then I realized that it’s even worse this way, because now we have to watch Foreman and Thirteen make out and fight in every single episode until House finds out.

In another of the episode’s low points, now that Thirteen isn’t dying anytime soon it’s apparently okay for the male characters on the show to start making crude, offensive jokes about her bisexuality again, because Kutner, Taub, and Foreman all indulge (and there’s one Kutner/Taub exchange that I can only assume made it past the censors because the censors didn’t get the joke).

Plus, not to keep making everything about Chase and Cameron, but since Foreman brought them up when he was trying to justify himself to House – remember how Chase and Cameron, like Foreman and Thirteen, got together over a multi-episode arc? And remember how, unlike Foreman and Thirteen, the Chase/Cameron stuff was always a teeny tiny subplot of every episode, which usually focused on, you know, the patient, and also, that guy whose name is on the title of this show? Yeah. Also, remember how that romance didn’t come out of nowhere? How it had been foreshadowed a full year in advance and how it built up out of a believable camaraderie and also directly related to their histories with that guy whose name is in the title, without having to squeeze in new, boring subplots to connect the dots? (And, speaking of Chase and Cameron, they actually get to appear together in a scene this episode, and a reference is even made to an upcoming wedding, though it’s unclear whether that’s a joke or for real.)

Meanwhile, this week’s case is actually interesting. Our patient is a 29-year-old priest, Father Daniel, who drinks and smokes and complains a lot because he lost his faith after having been accused of molesting a teen parishioner (he says the kid was confused). Also, the actor playing the priest looks so familiar I paused my DVR to look him up. He’s Jimmi Simpson, who I guess made a big impression on me in that small role he had in Zodiac,  since I haven’t seen him in anything else. Or maybe it’s just that he looks a lot like Michael Weston, who fortunately has not appeared on House in a while but who always freaks me out because he reminds me of that Six Feet Under episode where it looked like it was going to be a normal episode about how all the characters were dumb but then it turned into a super-freaky hour-long sequence about David being carjacked.

Anyway, back to Father Daniel. In the teaser, he has a vision of a crucified Jesus, which is also freaky, and which I also can’t believe made it past the censors. Father Daniel winds up in the ER, where Cameron diagnoses him (correctly, as it turns out) with drunkenness, but House poaches the file because he thinks it’ll be a nothing case and that it will make it easier for him to get rid of Foreman and Thirteen, or something. Father Daniel confesses to his doctors that he’s lost his faith, thanks to the teen’s accusations and the church’s subsequent treatment of him. House adores Father Daniel, as he often does with characters who agree with his outlook on life, but no one thinks Father Daniel is actually sick until his toe falls off at the 12-minute mark. (Seriously.)

So then they run their usual tests and get their usual diagnoses and Father Daniel goes blind in one eye, etc. In the meantime, Kutner and Taub, especially Taub, are rude to him, but Father Daniel is still in a good enough mood to psychoanalyze House and imply something about his faith that I didn’t quite follow. Also, House comes up with a metaphor for Father Daniel’s condition that involves Duran Duran, which causes Kutner to out himself as a major Duran Duran fan, which made me laugh.

For a while, they think Father Daniel has AIDS, and Taub shows off his prick side by breaking confidentiality and tracking down the kid Father Daniel was accused of molesting and telling him so he can get tested. But then the kid makes it clear that he was indeed lying (or “confused” if you prefer), which is shocking to Taub and Kutner and to absolutely no one in the viewing audience. Then House figures out that Father Daniel is free of AIDS and instead has a genetic disorder that just behaves exactly like AIDS but is, I guess, curable. And then there’s a scene where I swear it looks like Daniel is hitting on House, but it turns out he’s just using House as a vehicle to regain his faith. Cop-out.

Oh, and hey, remember how there’s a character on this show who’s in the opening credits and who is a devout Catholic who was almost a priest himself once upon a time? Yeah, he gets his traditional one-and-a-half scenes in the ep (one scene with lines, one without). But they have nothing to do with Daniel. They’re just there to further other people’s romances. Thanks for stopping by, Chase. Here’s your check.

And in the C-plot, Cuddy’s planning a Simchat bat (baby-naming ceremony) for Rachel, and she wants House to come because whatever. I am officially over House/Cuddy. But I guess a lot of people aren’t because we get a ton of filler scenes with House and Wilson and Cuddy discussing whether House should go to the ceremony, and whether he wants to go, and whether Cuddy wants him to go, and whether he’s pretending he doesn’t want to go, and whether she’s pretending she doesn’t want him to go so he’ll decide to go after all, and on and on and on until in the end, he doesn’t go and instead hangs out at home, drinking and playing the piano alone. And we’re nearing the point in the series at which such scenes will no longer make me feel sorry for him.

But it’s okay, because Robert Sean Leonard is kinda funny this week (which is a relief, because it’s getting harder and harder to watch Lisa Edelstein try to work within the terrible scenes she’s given). And we get to see half the cast dressed up in nice clothes for the ceremony, which I always enjoy. (Well, okay, Chase doesn’t even shave for it, but at least he puts on a tie. And a yarmulke! I love Chase.) Also Cuddy and Cameron bond briefly about Cuddy’s crush on House. This show totally violates the Bechdel Rule over and over and over. I would love to see Cuddy and Cameron bond over being, like, you know, smart doctors or something.

Next week, a shocking episode about the unheard-of concept of intersexuality. Thanks, Fox. This must’ve been what 1955 felt like.

Season 5, Episode 15: Unfaithful (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Religious Hokum Against Sponge Bath by Cameron Cubbison.

For more on House, click here.

House, Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of FOX Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro

RuPaul’s Drag Race: The Queen of All Media

Previously on Drag Race, some stuff happened, Ongina won, and Tammie Brown went home.  Tonight, I’m hoping for more Bebe!

We start off with the gals talking about how much they miss Tammie.  You know what?  They didn’t like Tammie, but it’s like my grandmother used to say, “You don’t speak ill of the dead.”  Akashia tells us how she got kicked out of the house at 17 because she was gay.  That’s kind of a bummer for the first five minutes.

RuPaul/Tim Gunn comes out, and he is wearing the most awesome shirt and tie combo.  I covet both.  It’s orange and purple, and it looks great.

The first challenge is a trivia contest.  There’s a bunch of questions, but ultimately they are all clues about this week’s big challenge.  When we hear that this week’s big challenge is actually about Oprah Winfrey, Shannel explodes into a zillion pieces of joy.  You see, she is the biggest Oprah fan ever.  EVER.  Actually, I think Ms. Tyra has already claimed that title.

Tonight’s challenge is to channel the contestants’ inner Oprah.  Nina talks about how she doesn’t know crap about Oprah because she didn’t have cable TV.  Mess.

Shannel tried to say that she thinks Oprah is God, and Bebe says, “You can’t say that because I’m a spiritual person.”  Ha!  Shannel talks about how Oprah helped her go from a 42″ waist to her current fabulousity.   Jade doesn’t know how to be African-American because she is “a light skinned Puerto Rican.”  Hold on, it sounds like this ho is going to go blackface.  Apparently, she missed the “inner” part of the challenge. When Jade starts putting on the dark makeup, the others mock her ruthlessly, especially Shannel.

The gals begin getting ready by sewing outfits, doing make up and other dragtastic things.  You know who I hope is involved in this challenge?  Dr. Maya Angelou.  She rocks.

RuPaul/Tim Gunn then throws everyone a curve ball.   The inner Oprah challenge will require the girls to (1) report the news, (2) present a product like on Oprah’s Favorite Things, and (3) interview two fabulous, surprise, celebrity guests.  The judges will be judgmental tomorrow.

RuPaul/Tim Gunn again reminds them that they will be judged on their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent.  I’ve decided that I’m hearing about Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent far too often for it to continue being funny.  National Velvet is dead.  Stop beating her.

Nina is worried about her English skills hindering her.  Shannel is still talking about how she’s the biggest Oprah fan, so this won’t be a challenge.  Shannel looking like she heading home tonight.

I’m sorta mad about the commercials that air.  Madea?  Check.  Noah’s Ark movie?  Check.  Bally’s Gym?  Check.  Home gym?  Check.  Red Bull?  Check.  Vodka?  Check.  My people should be ashamed.

First up, these girls have to do the news, and they have to talk about all kinds of stuff these fools don’t know or can’t pronounce:  nuclear proliferation, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and former Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda.  Good thing the producers threw Britney Spears in there, too.  Ongina earns a big smile from me when she does a Connie Chung impression.   Akashia admits that reading is not her strong suit.

Next, they have to pitch a product:  a hair dryer.  The best?  Nina Flowers and her hair dryer impression.  The worst?  Rebecca Glasscock’s profanity laden failure.

Finally, the interviews.  The contestants will have four minutes to cover three topics with two celebrity guests.  The celebrity guests are . . . Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott.  Uh . . . what?  I am concerned that RuPaul and her producers have mistaken Tori and Dean for celebrities.  I have a friend who was OBSESSED with 90210 for years and years.  I mean, she cried in every episode, no matter how many times she’d seen it.  She always knew that Kelly and Brandon were supposed to end up together, and she nearly needed therapy when Brandon moved to Washington, D.C., after their wedding imploded.  Point being, not even Amy (the afore-described friend) thinks Tori Spelling is a celebrity.

When Tori and Dean come out, Akashia doesn’t bother to stand up when her guests enter the stage.  Nina Flowers’s accent makes it difficult to understand her, and the effect tickles me.  Shannel talks over Tori and Dean the whole time, and they don’t like it.  As usual, Jade bores me to tears.

After the interviews, we find out that for judging tomorrow, the gals need to show up in their best drag outfit.  YES!  Finally, we get to see them work it in their own skins.

Main Stage time!  RuPaul is in a sequined number with fireworks exploding all over.  While she walks the runway, RuPaul silently thanks God for soft lighting.  Merle, Santino,  Hollywood media consultant Howard Bragman and Debra Wilson Skelter, MadTV‘s Oprah (and Whitney) impersonator are ready to judge.

Shannel is dressed as Medusa.  It’s WAAAAAAY over the top with snakes and bare breasts.  Ongina is up next in a cute little fuzzy cocktail gown and a hat.  It’s cute.  Rebecca Glasscock is out in an acid green gown, looking rather glamorous.  Nina Flowers WORKS IT in a blue pantsuit and a blond flip.  Jade is out next, looking very Jennifer Lopez with a penis.  Bebe is up next, and, honey, she looks the bomb!  She has on a mountain of wig, a black feathered over-gown, and a leopard print catsuit underneath.  Akashia comes out next in a long gown, and, just when you start thinking, “hey, she may have pulled this together,” BITCH FALLS DOWN ON THE RUNWAY.  She tries her best to play it off, but you can’t play that fall off.  She fell.  She fell hard, too.  Thank goodness the only thing she hurt was her ego.

More commercials.  Oh my gosh, another Madea commercial?!?!?  Am I really the target audience for this?  I did watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman, but I was mad as a wet hen when I realized that the movie was not, in fact, about Madea.  From the commercials, I assumed she was the main character.  Now this one has Madea’s name in the title, so this one could actually be about her, but I remain skeptical.

Judging:  Ongina gets props for her sense of humor.  Nina Flowers is complimented on all of the different personalities she continues to bring.  Shannel is criticized for being too flawless, too theme park, and for failing to show an element of personality.  She is also criticized for her horrid interview skills and her Alexis Carrington inner Oprah outfit.  Rebecca Glasscock, yawn.  Akashia is accused of being both dreadful and tragic.  I rejoice when everyone loves Bebe.   Jade is criticized for not hiding her candy very well and for being weak in the Oprah challenge.

Much judging occurs while the contestants are excused to the Interior Illusions Lounge.  I zone out except when they talk about Bebe.  Then, the queens come back.  Bebe did me proud this episode, and she is rewarded tonight as our winner!  Heeeeey!

Surprisingly (to me, at least) Shannel and Akashia end up as the bottom two.  The lip sync song tonight is “The Greatest Love of All.”  That is a really good song.  In the midst of much emoting by both contestants, Shannel’s snake wig falls off!  It’s played for maximum dramatic effect, but she didn’t miss a beat.  She catches the wig, and keeps on singing.  Unfortunately for us, though, that is Shannel’s cue to take off the top of her outfit, too.  You know it’s a bad day if both your wig and your titties fall off.  Apparently, Shannel’s quick thinking is enough to save her, though, and Akashia is sent home instead.

Cut to Akashia boo hooing big time backstage.  I mean big, ugly tears.  She lost because she was ugly to everyone, and that’s the cold, hard truth.  At least the others will speak highly of her for the first ninety seconds of next week’s episode.

Season 1, Episode 3: Queens of All Media (originally aired February 16, 2009)

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Mondays at 10pm on Logo

Photographs courtesy of Logo Online

Chuck vs. The Suburbs

Guess who’s on Chuck this week? Brian Thompson! That’s the guy that Stallone impaled on a huge hook in a fiery factory at the climax of Cobra, an 80s anti-classic. He was also on The X-Files as I recall, and Lionheart, one of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s better pictures. He’s one of those guys with a perfect bad guy face. I think that’s all he has ever played. Also inexplicably guest starring are Andy Richter and Jenny McCarthy as suburbanites from hell.

In fact, Suburbanites From Hell would have been an apt title for this latest episode, which is basically a takeoff on Arlington Road (1999), the thriller where Jeff Bridges suspects his new neighbor, played by Tim Robbins, is a terrorist. Sarah and Chuck are having a fake Valentine’s Day celebration when they are interrupted by Casey, much to their relief…and mine. Casey also had his Valentine’s Day plans-which consisted of a bottle of booze, some peace and quiet and watching military documentaries (I’m totally on board with the first two)-interrupted by the General, who tasks him with investigating the case of a former agent of some unspecified nature who has been sniffing the loony fumes lately. Turns out this guy is living in a sleepy suburb, and who better to infiltrate then Sarah and Chuck, pretending to be a normal married couple.

Chuck dons plaid, Sarah makes potato salad, they get a dog, have the neighbors over for a cookout…everything you would expect in a dramatization of suburban life, even though I think it’s safe to say those things aren’t really common anymore, even in suburbia. Richter plays Brad, a stationary salesman living next door, while McCarthy plays his wife, an audacious femme fatale housewife trying to ensnare Chuck in an adulterous nest. Shockingly, all is not as it seems with these two.

Casey meanwhile poses as the friendly neighborhood cable guy and discovers a bug in Sarah and Chuck’s love nest. Chuck flashes on it immediately and informs Casey and Sarah that it used to be CIA but was stolen by Fulcrum.  Casey does some of his spy voodoo and learns that McCarthy’s femme fatale has bought an alarming amount of high-tech cable line. He orders Chuck to go over to her house and pump her for um…information. In his usual bumbling way, Chuck gets the job done and accesses Brad’s computer. He has an ultra-intense Intersect flash, so powerful that he passes out. And from there, spectacle comes a-flying. We get a sequence with Chuck escaping in his boxers (which seems to be a new motif of the show) and the revelation that the entire neighborhood is Fulcrum, a la The Stepford Wives. That’s where Brian Thompson comes in as another baddie.

The B storyline involves Morgan and the Buy More crew on a mission to find Big Mike a girlfriend, because he is in the process of getting divorced and is channeling all his energy into the store and thereby punishing his employees by making them work for a living. Morgan & Co. aren’t going to take that standing down. It’s slightly more amusing than the average Buy More subplot, but it really seems that the writers have been unable to think of anything to do with Morgan as a character this season.

Adam Baldwin is very funny in this episode, and luckily he gets a little more to do than usual. The writers should really start using him more and taking advantage of Baldwin’s comedic chops. Overall though this episode is an improvement from recent Chuck outings, though it is by no means must-see television.

Season 2, Episode 13: Chuck vs. The Suburbs (originally aired February 16, 2009)

For more on Chuck, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and IMDbPro

Battlestar Galactica: The Original Five . . . A History

This week all was revealed, well sort of.  Let’s see if I can make sense of it all, as relayed in bits and pieces from a newly resurrected Ellen Tigh and a very bald Sam Anders.

In the beginning there was Kobol and it was good.  But the humans on Kobol developed Cylons and humanoid-type Cylons.  The humanoid Cylons reproduced by resurrection technology until one day they were able to reproduce sexually.  For some reason, they all decided to leave Kobol but the group of humanoid Cylons headed for Earth and became the lost Thirteenth Colony of Kobol.  The rest founded the Twelve Colonies of Kobol.  And it was good.

In yet another mystery, 2000 years later the Original Five humanoid Cylons saw the signs of an impending nuclear holocaust and began to redevelop resurrection technology–long ago forgotten on Earth since everyone was doing the Horizontal-Roboto.  When the nuclear attacks came from the rebelling Centurions, the Original Five were resurrected into a waiting ship in space.  The five–Ellen and Saul Tigh, Galen Tyrol, Sam Anders, and Tory Foster–began their journey back to find their long lost brethren and creators, to warn them of the harm of enslaving sentient beings.

But without the development of FTL drives, their journey took 2000 years but based on the theory of relativity, it did not feel that long to the Original Five explorers.  When they found the Colonies, the First Cylon War had already begun.  They spoke with the Cylons and agreed to give them humanoid-Cylon technology in exchange for ending the war.

And so the Original Five began creating new humanoid models.  The first of which was Number One, a/k/a John (or “Cavil” to those at home), who was modeled after Ellen Tigh’s father.  But John was a jealous type and hated his human form.  He destroyed the Number 7 model–Daniel–because Daniel was Ellen’s favorite and John was auditioning for the part of Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son.  In a further act of vengeance, John killed the Original Five, boxed them, and implanted new memories and played them within the Colonies before the start of the Second Cylon War.  He hoped they would watch the suffering and inhumanity of humans and prove their love of humanity wrong.

After Saul Tigh poisoned Ellen on New Caprica, she downloaded on to John’s Resurrection Ship, where her spirit was still not broken–both in her love for humanity and her love of her “children,” the remaining seven humanoid Cylons.  This only further angered John, who was still bitter that he could only watch the supernova on the algae planet with his wimpy human eyes.

With the destruction of the Resurrection Hub, John is panicked that he will soon become extinct.  Ellen reveals that she cannot rebuild the technology without the other four, even though they have a lab hidden on some planet or something.  So John is going to cut her brain open and extract whatever information she has.  But one of Ellen’s children, the Number Eight called Boomer, takes Ellen’s gift of free will and helps Ellen escape in a raptor, jumping to an unknown location.

Four months later (i.e., now), the fleet is rebuilding after the mutiny and coup attempt.  Galactica is in need of serious repair, and with Tyrol’s guidance, Adama agrees to allow Cylon technology aboard his girl Galactica.  Roslin anoints Lee her successor and charges him with forming a new government, based on representation from each ship instead of the old colonial system.  And Saul and Caprica Six are excited about having a baby.

More importantly, Sam Anders has a bullet in his head that causes him to remember all of the above and to share this information with Kara and the other three Cylons.  Kara wonders if she is the Number Seven model (she’s not), but she’s not going to get more answers from Sam.  After the bullet comes out, he’s a vegetable.

While the episode was short on action–compared with the prior two-part mutiny episode–we were heavy on explanations, which I’m sure was well-received by all watchers of the show.  One thing I know we were all wondering, since John was the only humanoid Cylon to know the identities of the Original Five, that means he knew who Ellen was when he was doing “the Swirl” with her on New Caprica.  At least she didn’t know that he was modeled after her Earth father, but still ewwwww!

Next week Ellen and Boomer meet up with the fleet and the Original Five vote on whether to leave the fleet and restart the Thirteenth Colony.  Will Saul listen to Sam’s warning to stay with the fleet for the impending miracle?  Better yet, will Ellen’s ability to forgive extend to Saul knocking up Caprica Six?

Season 4, Episode 15: No Exit (originally aired February 13, 2009)

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For more on Battlestar Galactica, click here.

Sci Fi, Fridays at 10/9c

Photographs courtesy of Sci Fi and IMDbPro

Friday the 13th – Boobs, Weed, and a Guy Named Jason

I almost forgot Jason was in this movie. Really, every time I thought it was a movie about pot, they flashed some boobs. Every time I wondered why I was sitting watching bad soft porn, they flashed a machete and a hockey mask. Then it started all over again. It was enough to make you dizzy after a while.

Still, happy Friday the 13^th! The guys at Supernatural are reminding you this winter that if you can’t get enough horror on television for free, go to the movies and fork some dough over to get some of the R-rated kind – starring the guys from Supernatural! I won’t review My Bloody Valentine (3D!) for you, but I saw it, and I liked it, but only because it was in 3D and hilarious. Friday the 13^th, starring the other guy from the CW, Jared Padalecki, isn’t as cute as Jensen Ackles, but his film is much better. And, well, he’ll do in a crisis, am I right, ladies?

There really isn’t much to say about the latest installment in the Jason series. At Comic Con, two of the movie’s producers joined stars Padalecki and Derek Mears to promote the film. They did an awful job of it. Someone asked why they felt it necessary to make yet another sequel, and the producers basically responded, “Why not?” That, essentially, summed up the promotion for the movie. Sure we didn’t need to make this movie, but why not? So if they didn’t really have much to say about the film, don’t be upset if I couldn’t come up with much more.

The story, in case you’re wondering, involves campers who go missing after a night spent at Crystal Lake. The brother (Padalecki) of one of the missing women arrives six months later to search the area himself. If you like horror movies, you’re going to like this one. Though it felt much longer than its ninety-five minute run time, Jason is still a violent, angry son-of-a-bitch. The deaths are gruesome without being over the top, cringe-worthy if a little cliché, and there are definitely a few moments that should have you jumping. The story updates to modernize Jason’s mythos work well enough to make you question midnight noises during your next camping trip, and the creative team does a fine job of making Jason a believable menace.

The minor characters, or those actors doubling as Body Count, are all passable if mostly un-memorable. Most of the women, for example, weren’t hired for their acting abilities. Cup size, I think, played a more important factor on the resume. That leaves the men, and they are your usual hot-blooded youths, stoners, and bad boys. I’m not even sure half the cast were given actual names. Blonde Male and Double D Female didn’t come up on the credits, so who knows? I mean for real – what woman water skis topless?

Derek Mears pointed out at Comic Con that he inserted mini-homages to past Jasons with deliberate movements (such as Jason’s signature head tilt), as a big fan of the series himself, and fans will also appreciate certain music cues as a nod to the old series. These moments come off as creepy now as they did then, holding up well in the update. But if you don’t like horror movies, skip this one. If you like movies about stoners, this may work; if you like soft porn, the producers want to hear from you; and if you stick around long enough for that guy named Jason, you’re in for a treat.

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