RuPaul’s Drag Race: This Ain’t No Truckstop, Honey!

So this show looks awesome, and I hope this episode does not disappoint.  Drag Queens usually do not disappoint, unless you happen to live in Washington, D.C.  Seriously . . . Change I Can Believe In would be something better than the drag garbage here.  There is nothing worse than bad drag.  Nothing.  DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, RUPAUL!!

Bring on the contestants!

First up is something named Shannel.  She compares herself to Barbra Streisand, but this ho has her butt hanging out of her outfit.  Literally, two cheeks exposed.  I never saw Babs in a pair of chaps.  Not even in Yentl.

Nina Flowers is next.  She is very FIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCCEEEEE!  She has a very dramatic, stylized, androgynous look.  All around, it’s awesome.

Third is Rebecca Glasscock, who should be called Rebecca Cheapwig.

Next up is a little person named Ongina.  She looks like a little Bobby Trendy.  Where’s the wig, Ongie?

Our fifth contestant is Victoria “Porkchop” Parker, but her middle name says it all.

We also have Akashia, whose name can also be spelled A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E.

Tammie Brown, the seventh contestant, is difficult to describe.  She has a crazy, Mad Men kind of look.  She looks like characters Bettie Davis would play during the lean years.  She kind of makes me uncomfortable, and she keeps sticking out her tongue.  Bizarre.

Jade is next, but I have already forgotten her.

Bebe Zahara Benet (“Bebe”) is the final contestant, and she is an African Queen.  She is actually from Africa, and she reminds me of someone I used to work with named Helen.  Helen’s African name was Inkiruka, and I have always thought that was such a beautiful name.  I am off track.

RuPaul (out of drag) comes out to greet the contestants, dressed like Tim Gunn.  He says a bunch of boring introductory stuff.  Thank goodness he also says fun stuff like, “Put your stiletto to the metal,” and “Tighten your tucking panties, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.”  Ha!

First challenge is a photo shoot.  The contestants must pose on a car being washed by two big muscle men in tiny bathing suits.  Rough work if you can get it.  The photo shoot starts, and the contestants go in this order:

1.      Tammie Brown, who looks like she’s having some sort of epileptic seizure.

2.      Shannel, who assumes obscene poses like Barbra Streisand always does.

3.      Porkchop doesn’t know what she is doing.  She is all excited to be touching on the hot mens.

4.      Nina Flowers went wild.  She went for it, honey.

5.      Akashia looks like she is trying out for the cover of King magazine.  After the shoot, she took off her pants and walked away in her thong and heels.

6.      Ongina does some stuff, but I’m not feeling it.

7.      Bebe looks like she is trying out for ANTM with her poses.  She works it!

8.      I forgot what Jade did.

9.      Rebecca Glasscock was awkward.

Backstage, we see the contestants de-drag, including Akashia’s stick on boobies.   Nina is completely covered in tattoos.  The other contestants are amazed about how much Nina passes for a boy out of drag.  I can speak from experience that it can truly be staggering how different a person can look in drag versus out of drag.  Rebecca Cheapwig is accused of having had her lips and nose done, something she denies.

Now, this episode’s other challenge is:  Drag on a Dime.  They get to use stuff from a thrift shop and the dollar store.   Shannel is mad that she brought her Versace buckles and whatnot, yet she is being forced to wear tacky thrift store clothing.  Whatever.  You’re a drag queen reality show contestant.  Get over yourself.

The contestants will be judged on the following criteria:  Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, Talent.  Look at that acronym.  I’m just saying.

The contestants attack the thrift store racks.  Bebe says she is taking care of HERSELF!  The contestants finally quit sassing, and they get to work.   Porkchop talks about how she got shot up and beat up for being a female impersonator, thereby providing the young ‘uns with life lessons.

RuPaul continues the Tim Gunn comparisons by providing critique and advice for the outfits-in-progress.  Akashia is not using the dollar store items, and RuPaul/Tim Gunn says use the dollar store items!  Shannel’s outfit is showing off her ass . . . again.  Porkchop is making a Christmas Tree costume, by all appearances.  Rebecca Cheapwig says a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make sense, but RuPaul/Tim Gunn nicely calls her dress dull and uncreative.

It’s show time!  On “The Main Stage.”  RuPaul comes out strutting in a ruffly outfit.  She has a huge spotlight shining right in her face, to hide wrinkles I assume.  Judges!  Some fashion writer; Santino Rice from Project Runway Season 2; Mike Ruiz, celebrity photographer; And Bob Mackie!  BOB MACKIE!!!!! Awesomeness.

Here come the ladies!  (Another list, sorry.)

First up is Nina Flowers.  RuPaul voiceovers, it’s “severe up in here!”  RuPaul is correct.  Severe and AWESOME!

Akashia walks out in a skimpy dress like her hip is broken.

Ongina comes out in some ruffles and starts doing a chicken dance.

Porkchop admits to hating her outfit.  It looks like it hates her, too.  She actually eats sand on the stage.  HUH?

Bebe looks like the bomb in a wig that could also be described as the bomb.

Shannel has an awesome bathing suit-like outfit, but enough of your ass.  She says some stuff, too.  I like her more when she doesn’t talk.

Jade is next.  She looks like Rafiki from The Lion King.  At least she was memorable this time.

Rebecca Cheapwig is back with a new wig.  It’s still cheap-looking.

Tammie Brown is out last.  She looks like Baby Jane at the beach.

Jade, Shannel, Bebe, and Tammie Brown are safe this week.  The judges give commentary to the remaining five.  They tell Ongina that she looks like a little boy, but they appreciate what she’s trying for.  They encourage her to be more of a “little lady.”  Rebecca Cheapwig is accused of looking like a boy in person.  Ha!  They sort of like her outfit, but not really.  Bob Mackie likes her bellybutton, though.  Porkchop gets dissed on the outfit.  Akashia says Porkchop looks like a football field in her outfit.  Drag queens go for the jugular every time.  Akashia, herself, is accused of looking like she is uncomfortable in person, and they say her outfit is cheap in all sorts of crass ways.  Nina Flowers collects muchos props for her dramatic outfit.

Sidenote:  RuPaul’s wig here is rocking my world.

The judges deliberate and make fun of Rebecca Cheapwig’s plastic surgery nose while she’s out of the room.

Nina Flowers is the winner, and she is safe for next week.  The bottom two are Porkchop and Akashia.  In order to determine which one will go and which will stay, RuPaul informs the pair, in truly dramatic fashion, “The time has come to lip synch for your life.”  The song?  RuPaul’s “Supermodel.”  Of course.  Porkchop almost falls down during her performance.  So Akashia stays, and Porkchop is sent back to Raleigh to get shot at in the streets again.  On the way out, she sends shout-outs to the plus-sized community, which makes me laugh.  Does that make me a bad person?  Everyone dances her way off of “The Main Stage.”

Yay!  I wasn’t disappointed!  Were you?

Season 1, Episode 1: Drag on a Dime (originally aired February 2, 2009)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Logo Online