Top Chef: Are You Ready For Some Football?

Carla dodged another bullet last week and her training has fallen by the wayside. She’s going home this week. Leah is still apologizing for her hookup with Hosea. Ok. Maybe she’s going home. Hosea wants to see Stefan go down. No, he’s probably not going home. Who am I kidding? I know I’ll be stuck with these folks for another week.

Quickfire. Scott Conant of Scarpetta is the guest judge. Padma wants them to play football squares (is that like Hollywood Squares only without Shadoe Stevens?). They are to pick a square that lines up with a food group and a “key ingredient,” only they don’t know the group or ingredient they are getting. Fabio is not pleased he got vegetables because he does not see a reason to eat vegetables when there’s meat and fish around. (Regularity aside, I concur.) We see that the key ingredient for everyone is “oats,” specifically Quaker Oats. It’s a Quaker Oats challenge and Carla is all hootie because she’s a Quaker Oats gal, she eats them every day. As I wonder whether I will become as crazy as Carla if I keep eating Quaker Oats for breakfast, the chefs find different ways to make an oat crust for whatever food they are serving. Because really, what else are you going to do with oats?

The results. Leah left something to be desired in the execution–her bacon clashed with her fish, which was overcooked. (Maybe she should stop making fish?) Fabio had too much oats; Jeff was too heavy; but Carla, Jamie, and Stefan were just right. The winner of our Quaker Oats Quickfire Challenge is Stefan, but he doesn’t get immunity. He says he’s won five challenges back to back, but our crack scientists at Poptimal Labs point out that he’s only won the last four challenges and one was a three-way tie.

Elimination Challenge. They are banished to the Stew Room to get a present. Fabio thinks it’s a dog but it’s actually football jerseys, well more like old baseball jerseys but still. They get back to the kitchen and Padma announces “Top Chef Bowl,” and then a hot mess of crazy from past seasons crash through a paper. Carla notices Spike and Andrew, who’s her favorite (shocking, I know). Also joining us are Josie, Andrea, Camille (who?), Nikki, and Miguel a/k/a Chunk Le Funk. Jamie is a little intimidated. Why? These folks mostly sucked in their respective seasons. But then always classy Andrew interviews, “Dear Season 5, If you don’t bring your A game, you’re gonna get f-ed.”

Anyway, each player will cook against an all-star chef using the regional cuisine of an NFL team. They’ll compete head-to-head tomorrow in front of an audience, with twenty minutes to cook. If they lose their challenge, they’re eligible for elimination. Of note, Stefan picks Andrea, and Fabio interviews that Stefan picked Andrea because she only cooks vegetables and was kicked off in the second episode; Fabio knows this show. The rest bicker with each other to figure out which team they’re representing.

In the prep kitchen, Fabio is not worried because nothing can stress him even if he has to cook, “a monkey ass to fill with fried banana,” he’ll come up with something anyway. Andrew threatens to pee on the losers. Stefan tries to give Andrea some alcohol while he interviews that she got kicked off twice and it’s time for a third. She has a secret up her sleeve because while she’s known for being a vegetarian chef, she’s not a vegetarian. Oooh! Are the editors setting up Stefan for a defeat? If so, it’s wrapped around an anvil. But look, Spike and Andrew are being silly, and I think it’s nice to see Spike smile; he looked super serious last time I was at his restaurant.

To the Institute of Culinary Education! The audience consists of the losers from this season and some students. Padma walks out in a sexy referee costume and explains the rules: (1) Two contestants compete; (2) Seven points from the judges (touchdown); and (3) Three points from the audience audience (field goal).

Round 1-New York Giants (Leah v. Nikki). Leah thinks she’s going to win because she’s making steak and Nikki is making chicken livers. I love chicken livers. Leah scores a touchdown by winning the judges’ votes. The fans give Nikki the field goal. 3 v. 7 for you keeping score at home.

Round 2-Seattle Seahawks (Hosea v. Miguel). Miguel and Hosea are psyching each other out while they cook. Touchdown for Hosea. And the field goal. 3 v 17. Chunk gets a zero, as we cut to Josie, Andrew, and Spike playing with the live crayfish.

Round 3-New Orleans Saints (Carla v. Andrew). Carla knows nothing about football but she’s making a gumbo with some quick love. This is risky because gumbo needs to cook for hours. Carla gets a touchdown (unanimous), but Andrew gets the field goal. 6 v. 24.

Round 4-Dallas Cowboys (Stefan v. Andrea). Stefan is making a duo of meat, and while Andrea makes flirty comments, Stefan interviews that he’s in love with her. Andrea bear hugs Chef Tom when it comes down to a tie with the judges. The audience picks Andrea, which sends all ten points to her. Stefan is pissed he lost to the “nuts and grains and [unintelligible] girl.” 16 v. 24.

Round 5-San Francisco 49ers (Jamie v. Camille). Another tie but the audience breaks for Jamie. 16 v. 34.

Round 6-Miami Dolphins (Jeff v. Josie). Jeff interviews that Josie is just slopping everything on the plate while he’s dainty. Josie gets the touchdown and field goal. Jeff is upset over his loss but he’s proud of what he did. 26 v. 34.

Round 7-Green Bay Packers (Fabio v. Spike). Fabio is going to honor the Wisconsin Green Bay and tells Spike if his food is as big as his mouth, he’ll win for sure. Fabio overcooked his venison and loses the touchdown to Spike, but Fabio gets the field goal and flips Spike off Italian style. 33 v. 37. Season 5 beats the All-Stars but Stefan, Jeff, and Fabio are on the chopping block.

Judges’ Table. Carla wins and my head explodes so I can’t think of anything else to say about this part of the show. She also gets two tickets to the Super Bowl. Hootie!

Cue the gong and losers. Fabio explains that his meat continued to cook while they ate Spike’s food. Scott replies that what’s served is only what matters, intentions do not matter. There’s some back and forth and Scott twice uses the word “failed” to describe Fabio’s dish. Toby thinks Stefan’s dish was uninspiring, and Scott notes the irony that Stefan chose to go against Andrea because he thought she would be weak. When it comes to Jeff, his ego, like many before him, gets the better of him. Jeff starts digging a hole when he says he was thrown off by having to serve on plastic plates, and it devolves to him mocking Josie for not serving a real ceviche and that he cannot believe that he lost to her inferior dish. If I were insensitive, I’d make a comment about how some might interpret Jeff’s comments as a hate crime against Josie . . . oh wait.

Results. Let’s cut to the chase: Jeff’s sent packing. Fabio announces, sua sponte, that he believes in second chances and thanks the judges for giving him one. Looks like Fabio’s going to be alone tonight in the “bunky beds,” but at least he didn’t go home or I’d have no reason to keep watching. This loss will stick with Jeff “for at least a decade.” Meanwhile, I’m gloating that Campos was finally wrong about a prediction and that the producers finally came up with a great idea for a challenge.

Next week: Eric Ripert, eels, and nervous hands cutting.

Season 5, Episode 10: Super Bowl Chef Showdown (originally aired January 28, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Quieting the Creative Monkeys by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo