Top Chef: This Is Not a Butt-Rubbing Contest

Bittersweet:  (adj) pleasant with overtones of sadness.

We open with the final four chefs arriving at the airport and finding each other as if this were a new season of The Real World. Wow, remember when that show was good? Instead, we’re in New Orleans and the four babble on about how they’ve studied and want to win and isn’t New Orleans pretty, and Hosea’s all, I’m ashamed I’ve never been here before (why?), and Fabio sports a mohawk and a pink pashmina scarf, and Carla dances to a band playing in the airport. I’m pretty sure the editors found a track of “As the Saints Go Marching In” to play over the band, instead of actually recording the band. So much for local flavor.

Quickfire. The chefs arrive at a plantation house, where Padma, Colicchio, and Guest Judge Emeril Lagasse wait on the lawn in front of three tables. We hear some more about how unique and wonderful New Orleans is, so obviously, Quaker is out and New Orleans is in as the sponsor of this week’s episode. Someone prompts Emeril to say that New Orleans is going through a rebirth so that Colicchio can segue into the Quickfire of Second Chances: Out walk Jamie, Dr. Chase, and Leah, who will be the only ones competing in the Quickfire to determine which of the three can go through a rebirth (get it???) and return to the competition. Jamie says, “I kind of had a feeling we were going to get thrown back in the kitchen somehow,” so obviously, Jamie’s not the know-it-all we all remember. And then Hosea grumbles about Leah being back, because its “going to be a little interesting for me, a little awkward…” so obviously, it’s not all about him anymore. Dr. Chase still feels he was unjustly eliminated, and he deserves a second chance. Leah’s never worked with these ingredients before, “so I don’t even know.” See how much they’ve all grown? Oh lord.

The assignment is crawfish-related dishes, because this is New Orleans, y’all, in case you’ve forgotten. Though all three are delicious, there can be only one – and Dr. Chase is back in the competition! That’s awesome, not just because he was always the best of the three and sure, perhaps he was eliminated too early, but it’s nice to see him back on television after the producers over at House felt it necessary to keep him out of the 100^th episode. However, Chase’s win comes with a condition: he must win the Elimination Challenge in order to reach the finale, thereby eliminating two of the current chefs. If he doesn’t win it all, he’s going home!

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will cater a masked ball-Mardi Gras event, and must create two dishes and one cocktail for a crowd of 100 people. One dish must be in the Creole style of cooking. Not only will winning guarantee the chef a spot in the finale, but he or she will also win a new Toyota Venza. Let’s all take a moment to mourn the end of the Bravo/Saturn relationship. Bye, Saturn! We will miss your product placement-themed episodes and Innovation commercials. Way to go, Economy.

But on to happier memories, wherein Stefan describes visiting Fabio for Halloween. Er, this should explain the pink pashmina in the opening, as apparently Fabio likes to dress as women for Halloween, which includes a past history as Catwoman and Wonder Woman. In the background, Dr. Chase rolls his eyes.

And now back to the cooking! The chefs prep in Emeril’s Delmonico kitchen. Of note, Stefan and Hosea are both making gumbo. Stefan’s over the challenge before it even starts, not bothering to make his dishes from scratch. This of course, leaves him time for a smoke, and there’s a sex joke in there that I won’t make, but feel free to anyone at home. Do you need me to remind you how much Hosea hates Stefan? I’m imagining you all shouting “No!” so just re-read any of the other recaps if you’ve forgotten.

Fabio makes extra food, but goes against the challenge requirements of a Creole dish by infusing his with more Italian flavor. Carla struggles with her oyster stew because … she doesn’t know how to shuck oysters. She spends most of her time trying to do that, while Colicchio reveals in an interview that all she had to do was steam them and pop the shells open. Oops! I hope Carla doesn’t go down for this one.

With one hour to go, the chefs move over to the New Orleans Museum of Art for the event. The bartenders arrive to handle the drinks, and we learn that Chase has created a cucumber mojito, which just sounds awful if you dislike cucumbers, which I do. Fabio’s created a bell pepper martini, and Carla’s gone with a non-alcoholic spritzer, because she doesn’t drink. You’re still cool in my book, Crazy Dry Carla.

The judges arrive and the party starts, and Gail Simmons is back! No more bad show biz comparisons and dead, fat, Elvis jokes. RIP Toby Young!

All the masks remind Fabio of porn. He and I watch different — wait, never mind. Members of the crowd shout “Hootie!” at Carla, who “Hoo!”‘s right back at them. She’s having so much fun, which makes the food taste better. “It’s that love thing.” I mean, how can you not love her? Hosea feels his gumbo is the most authentic dish, so that should carry him through. He also does a creepy wink at Gail after introducing his food. Gross. Stefan claims that he tried Hosea’s gumbo and it was “nasty.”

The judges repeat all their comments at the Judges’ Table, so let’s just do that. But the nicest part of this serving is that the judges were pleased with all of the dishes – I think it’s the first time all season that everyone came through and actually did a good job. So, on to…

Judges’ Table. Chase’s cucumber mojito was the judges’ favorite cocktail. Blah, blah, the judges love his choices, spices, and dishes. He’s all, “well, it’s just simple homemade sausage.” Even when he’s humble, he’s kind of a prick.

Fabio’s flavoring was “on,” with delicious pasta, but overall, his dishes lacked spice and “kick.” Even his drink was too sweet. Stefan’s gumbo lacked punch and the deep flavor the dish is known for, but the grits underneath were perfect. The dessert dish was good, but didn’t work well with the cocktail. Stefan shrugs it all off, so Colicchio calls him out on his calm, cocky attitude. Stefan claims that he’s a little too old for stress, “if it works out, it works out, if not, fine.” Which comes off as patronizing and as though he doesn’t really care about his fate in the competition. If only attitude really mattered on Top Chef.

Nothing but compliments for Crazy Carla! Gail loves Carla’s shrimp beignet, and says she could have popped them in her mouth all night, and I know you all want to make that inappropriate joke. Because I do, but Gail’s only been back, like, twenty seconds. Moving on to Hosea, who impressed Emeril with his gumbo. Oh, I’m not going to say nice things about Hosea, so I’ll sum it up by saying the judges enjoyed his dishes. Off to the stew room!

Deliberation. Interestingly, there was a problem with each element of Stefan’s dishes, and though Fabio had his own issues, the judges seemed to have enjoyed his more. Stefan’s attitude also comes up for discussion. The question becomes then, whether or not Dr. Chase wins and eliminates them both, or if someone else wins and only one of the Euro Twins goes.

And so – suspense, suspense, suspense…and Crazy Carla wins! Hootie! In her interview, she giggles like a schoolgirl over winning the car, and I’ve giggled like that over him. So I get it, girl! Go you! Then she sobers and quietly says, “My husband would be proud. All of my friends would be so proud of me.” And she tears up a bit but pulls it together.

That’s why Carla rocks. Because out of everybody on this show, possibly ever, she truly appreciates what’s happening to her. She takes the wins humbly and with class. She doesn’t kick anybody on her way up or down. I never thought she’d make it this far, but she’s held her own all this time, and it’s nice to see the good guys win. Or at least make it to the finale.

And then there’s Dr. Chase, who, by default, must now leave. Later, bitch!

Hosea also makes it through. Between Fabio and Stefan – suspense, suspense, suspense … Fabio … goes home. Did you hear that? That was my heart breaking. And this sucks, because for all the smack talk and any arrogance on Fabio’s part, he also had his heart in the game. The win would mean more to him than to Stefan. I think we all know who needs to win fan favorite, America. Get on that!

And there’s your final three! Who else is surprised?

Next week: Twists, fights, fingers, finale, and was that Rocco DiSpirito?

Season 5, Episode 13: Finale Part 1 (originally aired February 18, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Laisser Les Quinze Minutes Inutiles Roll by J.B. Perlow.

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Photographs courtesy of Virginia Sherwood and NBC Universal