Top Chef: This is Not Top Pussy!

This week we cull it down to the final four.  Who will it be?  My money is that Leah, who should have gone home weeks ago, is out.  Let’s see if I’m correct or if Stefan’s ego gets the better of him.  We start with a long exposition about Leah’s career path, so that means she’s going home.  Carla gives some words of encouragement à la the Swedish Chef–”you can dooo’it!”–and tells us she used to be a model.  For what we do not know.

Quickfire.  Wylie Dufresne tells them he always dreamed of going as Egghead on Halloween so they need to make an egg dish for him.  Carla the Tortoise gets creative and makes green eggs and ham, while everyone else thinks she’s crazy. (Didn’t Sam make a green eggs and ham-type dish in Season Two?  Yes!)  She winds up winning with that recipe so who’s laughing now (me!).  Everyone else did weird duos or trios–why can’t they just make one thing well?  Wylie agrees with my reason.

Elimination.  They draw knives with the names of famous chefs on them: Lidia Bastianich, Susan Ungaro, Jacques Pépin, Marcus Samuelsson, and Wylie Dufresne.  They will cook the chefs’ favorite meal as a “last supper” type of thing.  How morbid.  Carla is super psyched she’s cooking peas for Jacques because they are “like this” with peas.  She’s crazy.  I love it.

During the break we see the final five eating at original Top Chef Harold Dieterle’s restaurant, Perilla.  Take note guys, like George Washington, Harold is the standard by which all subsequent winners should be judged.

While the chefs cook, there’s a crash.  Fabio broke his finger but can’t be bothered with a hospital.  He offers to chop it off, sear it on the flat top, and deal with having only nine fingers in the morning.  What a trooper!  Now he’s a top chef.  But Carla’s grunting about Rocky and giving him a run for his money even though he’s busy peeling with one hand and pulling shoes out of his ass.  Meanwhile Stefan is cooking whatever he feels like doing and Leah is M.I.A.–or at least we don’t see what she’s doing.

The judges assemble at a table reminiscent of The Last Supper. (Note that Jacques is sitting in Jesus’ seat, with Tom to his right.  What does Dan Brown have to say about that?)  Leah serves Wylie’s requested Eggs Benedict and adds a salad to cut some of the fat; Wylie is not amused that he got a salad for his last meal.  Stefan serves Marcus’s salmon but it is overcooked, make that “horribly overcooked” (Wylie).  Hosea serves the third course of shrimp scampi for Susan; his tomato looks like it has moss growing on it.  Fabio serves a roasted chicken for Lidia and it looks amazing.  (Remember Elia’s roasted chicken for the deadly sins challenge in Season Two?  If you can cook a roast chicken, you’re home free in this show and in life.)  Carla goes last serving squab and peas for Jacques, and the peas “were perfection” (Susan).  Jacques thinks he could die after this dish.  He means that in a good way.

Judges’ Table.  Leah and Stefan are disappointments and the harshest comments go to Stefan’s awful salmon and excessive use of cream.  They really liked Fabio (minus the airplane-type salad) and Carla.  Jacques explains that a blind person would have no problem with Carla’s squab because it looked overcooked but it was perfect.  He’s also impressed that she used fresh peas.

Results.  Fabio wins the show and a big bottle of  Terlato wine and a trip to the Terlato family vineyard in Napa Valley, California.  He’s excited that he’s in the finals in New Orleans because of his talent and not because he is funny or paid someone.  Well, he is funny.  Carla the Tortoise is joining him in the semi-finals and says, “See ya! See ya!” as she walks out to have some wine with Fabio.  It comes down to Leah and Stefan, and Leah gets sent home because the judges were able to rationalize why Stefan needs to stay on the show.  So Stefan and Hosea will also go on to the finales.

We’ll rejoin our final four in New Orleans after Fabio enjoys a drink in Hell and comes back with a crazy haircut.  Hootie!

Season 5, Episode 12: The Last Supper (originally aired February 11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out The Tortoise and the Italian Stallion by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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