30 Rock: A Cobweb of Rainbows

Liz’s hair doesn’t look very good this week. Perhaps a reflection of her mood, as she’s stressed about how hard it is to adopt a kid. I already told you, Liz, just start hanging out in crack dens more.

But Liz is taking a more traditional, albeit less effective, route to adoption – she befriends a pregnant teen donut salesgirl. Poor Becca has been abandoned by her boyfriend, Tim, who believes she got pregnant on purpose and who still has his MySpace status set to Horny. Liz is positive Becca will want to sign her baby over to Liz, so she hires Becca as TGS‘s new youth consultant. (It’s a thing; The CW has them.) This job involves hanging out and playing guitar in Liz’s office and eating baby food. But then, alas for Liz, Tim shows up at the office. Liz feels guilty for inserting herself into their lives, so she persuades Tim to take Becca back. You know, this feels a lot nicer than I’m used to Liz Lemon being.

Meanwhile, Jack is trying to avoid temptation while Salma is in Puerto Rico, so he goes out with Frank, some other writers, and that guy who used to be in a lot of episodes. Jack and Frank get drunk and bond over their absent fathers and their surnames – in a certain fictional Sicilian dialect, Frank’s last name, “Rossitano,” means “Well Poisoner,” while in Gaelic, “Donaghy” means “Dung Basket.” They also watch Harry and the Hendersons, which scared me so bad when I first saw it when I was like 8. Watching the clip was not that painful, though, so at least I’ve overcome one of my childhood traumas.

When Jack finds out Frank was once in law school, he decides Frank is his new mini-me, and arranges for him to get a full scholarship to Columbia Law. Frank totally goes with it. He shaves, puts on a scrunchy, and even gets a suit from Jack’s tailor in the same cut Reagan wore the day he got shot. But then, when Jack and Frank go to Frank’s mother’s apartment for dinner, Jack finds out the ugly truth. Mrs. Rossitano, played by Patti LuPone, sternly reprimands him for leading her son into such a dangerous path. You see, every Rossitano man for generations has been a lawyer for the mob – and now, they’re all either in hiding or six feet under. So Jack, taking his inspiration from Harry, has to send Frank back to the writers’ room. Sad, but it was the right thing to do for the woodland ape.

Also, it’s Jenna’s birthday, but Kenneth is determined to spoil it. Tracy, you see, has never had a birthday party, nor even a birth certificate, having been born in Yankee Stadium. So Kenneth decides to force Jenna to share her party with Tracy. Jenna is miserable at the lack of singular attention, and fakes progressively worse bodily injuries until she discovers that Tracy’s birthday wish was for her to be cured from her nonexistent illness. Aww.

Also, there was a recurring joke I didn’t get involving John Lithgow.

Other things we learned this week:

• Disposable cameras at weddings are fun! People like them!
• Popular GE reading includes Babies magazine.
• Tracy only makes cheese friends when something’s bothering him.

Lines I resolve to use this week:

• “Oh God, please don’t be a daughter I didn’t know about.”
• “And to think, I was just calling y’all a bunch of racists.”
• “You have shut-up mouth.”
• “If you care about me at all, at least have the decency to Skype me face to face.”
• “I hope you lose your indoor soccer game.”

Season 3, Episode 13: Goodbye, My Friend (originally aired March 5, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Jessica Miglio