30 Rock: Professor Bananas is dead!

With Salma still in Puerto Rico and Jon Hamm still off filming The Day the Earth Stood Still 2 or something, Liz and Jack have to focus on their jobs this week. But oops – Jack’s big project, a teeny-tiny microwave that has a ham button and works in the shower, is stuck in legal limbo, and Liz, due to Cherie’s ineptitude, is stuck with jury duty. Jack, as usual, handles his problems more productively than Liz, who winds up setting fire to the TGS cast and crew.

But more on that later. As our episode begins, things are looking up for Liz. She has discovered the joys of The Container Store (I hear you, girl), and resolved to get her life in order via plastic.  Sadly, her week goes downhill from there, as she gets run over by a bike messenger, forced to endure the sight of pantsless Frank, and, worst of all, caught up in Tracy and Jenna’s own crises du jour.

Jenna, who’s exhausted due to her dual filming of TGS and Janie Jimplin (“Synonym’s just another word for the word you wanna use”), goes on an experimental WNBA-endorsed military-grade anti-sleeping treatment developed by Dr. Spaceman. Soon, she’s clawing at the walls, drinking from the toilets, and narrowing her vision down to a pinpoint as if the darkness is closing in on her. But not to worry – Dr. Spaceman fixes her up by beating her with a stool while she’s dressed in a bear costume. Unfortunately for Liz, this happens during a live TGS episode. Meanwhile, Tracy, who’s discovered that he can curse as much as he wants on live TV as long as he pays a fine afterward out of his endless supply of funds, doesn’t do Liz any favors either when he buys up the show’s entire ad time and uses it to offer up used towels to his fans and show off his funcooker. Even Jack’s making Liz’s life harder, when he makes all the TGS writers spend the week thinking up names for his new microwave, requiring that they be snappy, fresh, and incapable of offending. (For some reason, “Hitler” is out.)

Naturally, Liz is at the end of her rope – and, as usual, she’s looking for inspiration in all the wrong places. This time, she looks to the defendant in her arson trial, the awesome Jackie Hoffman, an assistant manager at Mailboxes Plus who hates her employees so much she set fire to them. Liz didn’t even want to be on this jury – she tried her Princess Leia routine, which used to work in Illinois but not so much in New York (it wouldn’t work in D.C., either; last time I got stuck on a personal injury trial with a bunch of crazy ladies, although granted I did not wear a costume during the Q&A) – but now, she’s paying attention. After Jackie goes off to jail, taunting Liz with the idea that she’s going to go have a sandwich in her cell and take a nap while Liz is still stuck dealing with Tracy and Jenna, you can see the temptation floating over Liz’s head.

So when Liz gets back to 30 Rock, she forces the staff into her office, strikes a match – and stares at it for a while, considering. She ultimately decides against mass murder and tosses the match aside. Where it ignites the office door. But not to worry! Everyone’s safe, and Cherie even has a new firefighter boyfriend. And all of a sudden they’re all being really nice to Liz. Go arson!

Other things we learned this week:

• FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers.
• If you pay some money afterward, you can do whatever you want on TV.
• The marketing holy trinity consists of college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Lines I resolve to use ASAP:

• Let’s not shoot for the middle this time.
• No, I told you to buy more Pro Activ!
• They said it was a problem with the subways, but I suspect they were doing sex with each other.
• I haven’t been this tired since I was forced to do that dance marathon in Dubai.
• Bitenuker!

Season 3, Episode 14: The Funcooker (originally aired March 12, 2009)

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Jessica Miglio