Dancing with the Stars: The Woz is the New Cloris
It seems that on every season of Dancing with the Stars, there’s that one dancer who can’t dance at all – and that everyone loves because of it. Last year it was Cloris Leachman who I was forced to suffer through watching week after horrible week – and again this week when she acted inappropriately with former partner Corky Ballas (why, God, why?). This season, I feel that Steve Wozniak has a bad case of the Cloris Leachmans.
Steve didn’t start off the night, but I’m starting with him anyway. His samba was not at all a samba and contained a very pathetic worm. He is an endearing fella though and was suffering through a hurt hamstring, and more than Cloris Leachman ever did, he made me laugh. However, his judge’s score of 10 – that’s total – was the lowest score handed out in 6 seasons and well deserved. I agree with Carrie Ann, the novelty of geeky man dancing is wearing off.
Bond girl Denise Richards was actually the first one to start off the night with another horribly awkward, off-tempo samba. She looked afraid and I was afraid too. It was not good. However, the video montage clips of partner Maks in a pink samba dress were awesome. Total: 16
Barbie and Ken (Julianne and Chuck Wicks as they will henceforth be called) were up next with a light and lovely little foxtrot. They are just so darn cute, and Chuck finally stepped up and did a little dancing, which was nice. It was sweet and Carrie Ann thought that Chuck might be a contender. Total: 23
Holly Madison – in a barely there red thing – let it all hang out with a shimmy-tastic samba with partner Dmitry. However, her feet were just all wrong, and she was never really on the beat. As Len so wonderfully put it, Holly was like a match: hot on top and wooden on the bottom. But the best moment was when Holly stated that she thinks Dmitry wishes he had Jewel back, and he didn’t deny it. Ouch! Hey if an old senile guy like Hef could put up with her, Dmitry should be able to too. Total: 17
Steve-O was back this week, and I alarmingly am finding the former Jackass rather endearing on this show. Sober, he’s a lot less revolting. Anyway, he was still advised to keep off his injured back after not being able to perform last week, but he persevered. However, he messed up on several steps in his routine with Lacey and let it show all over his face. He knew he messed up, and it looked like he hurt himself again when he landed poorly on the stairs. But the judges applauded him anyway for carrying on and continuing to get better despite his mishaps. Total: 15
Lawrence Taylor and partner Edyta stepped it up again this week with a spicy samba where football star Lawrence got into the groove. He was all smiles and having fun, and I was having fun watching him shake it. Plus, he gave up golf for this. Total: 20
Cutie pies Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas were up next with a feathery, floating waltz. Shawn certainly made it look easy as she slid across the floor, and like a pro, never missed a step. The judges loved it and Bruno bizarrely said she looked like a “graceful, bejeweled hummingbird”. The dude really needs some new catchphrases. Total: 27
Following up Shawn’s imposing score was competition leader, Gilles Marini, who brought his French mother to rehearsal to watch him. Then he spoke French and talked about loving his mom. Even the men had to be a little turned on. And if they weren’t already, then they just had to watch his samba with Cheryl. It was hot, hot, frickin’ hot. Carrie Ann noted that he shook things she didn’t think men could shake, and Bruno said he was like a “throbbing, red-hot poker.” I really don’t see any way to understand that phrase that isn’t incredibly dirty. Total: 27
David Alan Grier was up next with a kicking foxtrot. And I mean kicking – David was like a Rockette out there. Who knew the guy could lift his leg that high? The dance had a lively Broadway feel and fit David’s performance style perfectly. Total: 24
After Steve Wozniak performed – I won’t go into that again – bachelorette Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani were up for a pretty, perfect foxtrot. Bruno said she was “beautiful to look at and easy to love”, which sounds like the tagline for Melissa’s next reality show. And Carrie Ann hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that this was all obviously very easy for her (Dallas Cheerleader!), and suggested she challenge herself more. Total: 27
Lil’ Kim showed she could shake her bon bon in her samba with Derek (who’s not such a bad shaker himself). She lost step a couple of times but her “bionic booty” – as Len called it – definitely saved her. It had oodles of charisma and Lil’ Kim is just a hoot to watch. Best part of the night was when she started to escape her top a bit waiting for judge’s scores, and Derek quickly covered – and covered her up – by throwing his arms around her. I’m sure the sensors were really sweating over that one, though I doubt Lil’ Kim was. After Diana Ross feels you up on the MTV Movie awards, nothing shocks you anymore. Total: 25
Last up for the evening was cowboy Ty Murray who continued to improve with his suave foxtrot this week. He even rescued his partner, Chelsie, when she slipped and he caught her. It’s not too common for the pros to slip up, but Ty caught her and continued on gracefully. It was definitely a job well done for the shy southern gentleman. Total: 23
So after a week of ups and downs it was on to Tuesday’s results show. First up, Tom and Samantha announced four stars that were safe. Top scorers Melissa, Gilles, and Shawn were all announced and then – brace yourselves – Steve Wozniak. His partner Karina squealed with happiness, and I believe I made a different kind of noise.
He definitely is the Cloris Leachman of this competition – and just to make that clear there was a clip of Cloris and Corky demonstrating next week’s dances: the Lindy hop and the Argentine Tango. At the end of the Tango, Corky and Cloris made out – I hope Corky’s son Mark doesn’t have nightmare for the rest of his life. I might.
However, there were some nice moments in the evening. In a fun and feisty dance number to Hall & Oats “Maneater”, Karina swished and seduced her way around a dance floor of male pros, before choosing her real-life fiancé, Maks, at the end. And British songbird, Adele performed her hit single “Chasing Pavements” while former DWTS pro Alec Mazo and Edyta danced along.
Then it was time for the dance off. The final four couples in jeopardy were: Steve-O & Lacey, Ty & Chelsie, Holly & Dmitry, and Denise & Maks. Steve-O and Ty were safe, and so it would be up a battle of the lightheaded, but not so light-footed, beauties: Holly and Denise. They both danced again and were equally awkward and off-beat. But the judges seemed to think Denise improved – I didn’t see it – and rewarded her with a higher score (20 to Holly’s 18). However, it would still come down to whether that was enough to overcome the low audience votes.
It wasn’t. No surprise. Denise is none too popular. So we say goodbye to Denise and Maks – but hopefully we’ll still be seeing us some Maks in the results show dances.
Season 8, Round 2 : Episodes 4 and 5 (originally aired March 23 and 24, 2009)
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