America’s Next Top Model: Do You Light the Way I Look?

It’s that time again, America: Makeovers! Get your tissues ready!

To dry your own tears. Because these girls are such duds that not even makeover drama does much for their entertainment value.

But wait! We have the first elimination to deal with. Aminat confronts Sandra about being “bitchy,” and tells Sandra that the better person went home today. Sandra misunderstands, thinking Aminat meant that Isabella was the better model. Which as far as Sandra is concerned, is ludicrous. Jessica will take the judges’ words as “advice,” but she disagreed with their criticisms. Because she’s naturally beautiful, remember that.  Fo makes a big deal about loving her photo and how cute she is.

The next day, the girls find their pink plaid stretch limo waiting outside, which is the girliest thing you’ve ever seen, and slightly nauseating. The girls meet the Jays at Bergdorf Goodman, and I’m not even going to explain the stupid James Bond/Q thing Tyra does. Just trust me that it’s stupid and somebody wasted airtime and money on that idea. However, I’d take endless Agent Jay’s and T’s over the pizza and fairy godmother nonsense they served us last cycle.

So at Bergdorf Goodman, the girls meet respected hairstylist John Barrett for … wait for it … makeovers! Screams! Panic! The girls won’t see the new look until the makeover is complete. That’s awful. If I saw them putting blonde in my hair but couldn’t see how it looked until it was done, I’d be freaking out. Even more so because I know what I look like blonde, and honey – it ain’t pretty.

Tyra gives Jessica shorter hair with waves and some red. Jessica thinks she looks “sexy as hell,” and says she’s basically impervious to ugly. Sandra receives a shorter Jade cut, with the same awful blonde. It doesn’t look good on Sandra, either, but don’t tell her that, because she won’t believe you. Allison receives the fakest blonde hair extensions you’ve ever seen, long and ugly. Nijah’s hair gains volume and length. Fo really wanted long hair but ends up with a short, skull cut, and to be fair to her forthcoming breakdown, it does look awful. However, to be fair to the upcoming photo shoot, she can spike it up and give her look some real edge, and then it looks awesome. So I’m torn on Fo. Celia cries when they cut her long hair short, but gets over it and finds it “liberating.” I think it’s terrible. Aminat’s afro disappears, later found wrapped around Ms. J as a shawl and clown hair. Okay, that was pretty funny. Aminat walks away with long, wavy hair and looks great. Tyra hates Kortnie’s tan, so gives her red hair to balance it out, and it does look good. London’s hair goes blonde and super-short. She rocks it.

Natalie freaks out when Mr. Barrett and the Jays come by to cut her hair short, but surprise! She’s perfect and this was just a joke. Get it? Funny, right? A little lesson in learning to trust Tyra, and if they say cut it, they’ll cut it. But if they don’t, then … it’s just funny to pull pranks? Natalie’s flattered at being perfect, but I think she could have used some color. Teyona receives long, curly, “juicy” hair that really emphasizes the alien in her face. Tahlia’s big, blonde weave is very flattering.

Fo spends the next few hours crying over her missing hair, as half the cast walks by swinging their new, long tresses. She gives us some metaphor about living off of food stamps and feeling ugly, but this new haircut really makes her feel ugly.

Later, the girls meet Sutan and Elyssa Starkman of Cover Girl to pimp Wal-mart and Cover Girl for the next challenge. Sutan splits the models into teams of three, who must each find a woman on the street and bring her back to … wherever they are, to further pimp Cover Girl. Sutan emphasizes the focus on becoming spokesmodels, not make-up artists.

The girls attack women on the streets of New York, and eventually find their subjects. The team of Aminat, Sandra and Celia win the prize, despite Sandra suddenly turning into a mute. They win a photo feature for Wal-mart.com. I’d give you more detail on this particular challenge, but it’s so boring I can’t stay awake long enough to write about it.

That night, the girls go for dinner, and Aminat, of legal age, dares to order alcohol with her meal. Everyone else unwinds, and then Sandra jumps on a high horse about not getting drunk. You can imagine how well this goes over with Aminat.

The next day, the girls meet Jay for their photo shoot, and guest photographer, Nigel. Hotness! The girls break into groups of four for group shots, with one person as the focus in the foreground. They are given two light sticks and must use them to create their own light. Um, something about lighting themselves and the clothes, while posing. Very few of them get it, and this has to be one of the worst collective shoots, in terms of results, to date.

Tahlia’s tense and too concerned about her surroundings to relax. Allison nails it, while Nijah, who looks like a thin, animated Whitney, looks dead in the eyes. Someone set Jessica up to fail, because they made her look as ugly as possible, and she misses the concept. Aminat doesn’t stand out, while Celia rocks it out. Sandra looks “bored,” and Kortnie’s uninspired.  London also rocks it, so all the fake blondes succeed during this challenge. Then comes Teyona, who was “genius,” and natural. Fo complains her way through her shot, saying she doesn’t know how to work with the hair, and has to keep from crying on set. In her interview, she says she doesn’t feel like “Plain Jane, but like Plain Jane’s brother.” Natalie also delivers on the task.

Judging. In person, Tyra declares Fo stunning and the photo beautiful, but Nigel calls her out for crying. Tyra questions whether or not Fo should be a model, because models don’t cry on set. Kortnie’s photo is unflattering for many, many reasons. Paulina says Nijah looks like “a beautiful corpse.” London’s film impressed Tyra; I think her photo looks very anime. They love Allison’s picture, but call Sandra dull and lifeless. Celia is “fabulous,” but I don’t see it. I’m sorry, but she’s not even ugly pretty. Jessica’s picture is unattractive and angry. Tahlia also fails to impress, while Natalie and Teyona score well with everyone. Tyra also recognizes the error of her ways in terms of Teyona’s makeover, and I have to agree, because there’ s nothing flattering about that look. Tyra promises to fix it next week. Aminat looks lost in her photo.

Deliberation. The judges like London, Teyona, Allison, Celia and Natalie. They dislike Fo, Kortnie, Sandra, Aminat, and Jessica the most. Bring them back out! First photo goes to Teyona! That’s awesome. She’s weird looking, but seems immensely nice and likable. Bottom two are Fo and Jessica. The judges question whether Fo can handle being “the chameleon” she needs to be. Jessica’s “pretty” isn’t translating to her photos. Going home: Jessica. Fo dodges a bullet, and Jessica can’t understand her elimination, because she’s beautiful, yo. Didn’t you guys know that?

Next week: Ms. J’s Charm School and Truth or Dare!

Season 12, Episode 3: Do You Light the Way I Look? (originally aired March 11, 2009)

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Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW