America’s Next Top Model: Fun and Games

In the second part of our very special two-part premiere, we find out just how boring and annoying this Cycle’s cast can be. Isabella’s from a small town, and considers being on this show for one episode the same as being “a working model.” Oh dear. She smiles so much, with such genuine happiness. The disillusionment’s going to hurt when reality hits. Sandra, who’s as humble as Isabella is street smart (i.e. not at all), says that she is unique and beautiful and from Africa, and no one else in the competition is as strong as her.

The girls arrive in New York and head to the top of the Empire State Building. And there’s Nigel! And Paulina! And Nigel! They hand over the keys to the house, and since Celia is standing right in front of Nigel(!), she receives them, and therefore earns the right to choose the first bed.

The girls then head to the House on the Upper East Side, with its runway (scream!), previous winner photos (scream!), and long winding staircase (scream! Then catch your breath, because those are a lot of steps). Sandra chooses her bed by placing her purse on it, liking it for its Illusion of Seclusion. How secluded can you be in a room you’re sharing with four to five other young women? There are bunk beds, for crying out loud. Anyway, Sandra’s sounding a lot like Angelea when she says she doesn’t want to make friends. She wants to win.

However, Celia removes Sandra’s bag, because she “has the golden ticket” and can choose whatever bed she wants. But rules don’t apply to naturally awesome and humble people like Sandra. There are only 12 beds for 13 girls, so Sandra politely yet obstinately confronts Celia, refusing to follow Nigel’s decree. No one understands why Sandra won’t play along – let’s face it. Yeah, it sucks, but sleeping on the couch will only last as long as the first round, because then someone goes home and you get a bed. Who cares? Which is exactly what London thinks. She lets Sandra have her bed and she’ll sleep on the floor. I’m not sure if I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see this stupid argument escalate.

Then comes the first Tyra Mail, so let’s start this competition!

The Jays meet the girls at Guastavinos, and they introduce the models to Laura Poretzky of Abaete. The girls will walk in Poretzky’s fashion show, with its theme of good girls/bad girls. It doesn’t look as good as it sounds, trust me. Sandra rates her runway walk as an 8 or 9, but still better than all the other bit—, er, models. Tahlia wears a suit, as chosen by the designer, and she’s disappointed that she’s been covered up as opposed to the other girls, who are showing lots of skin.

The show starts, and Isabella freaks out because of the strobe lights. The lights can trigger a seizure in epileptics. She walks anyway, which sounds risky, but she survives. Sandra on the other hand, stops about a third of the way onto the runway, turns, gives a kick, and then walks off. Hilariously awful. She thinks she did great.

At home, Tahlia breaks down about having to cover up during the show. I’m surprised that she’s surprised. Obviously, it’s terrible about the stigma and the shame, and she had no choice in how she looks, but did she think this was going to be easy?

The next day, it’s photo shoot time! The girls meet Mr. Jay in Central Park. No comment on his outfit(s). Really. The theme of today’s shoot is about girls who grow up too fast, or something, but it entails the models dressing up as kindergarteners, playing little girl games. It has a lot of potential for great photos, so let’s see how they all screw this up.

Fo (Ring-Around-the-Rosy) and London (Tug of War) both do well, while Tahlia (Tag) is awkward. She thinks she let the disappointments from the fashion show affect her. Sandra (Hide and Seek) thinks she nails it and has fun, but her poses lack variety.

Aminat (London Bridge) is “almost too ferocious,” and Nijah (Musical Chairs) is cute, if uncreative. Allison (Double-dutch) transforms into a model around the “ropes of death”; Kortnie (Monkey Bars), Natalie (Leap Frog) and Teyona (Hopscotch) all struggle a bit but find their poses. Celia rocks it out with her Hula Hoop, and Isabella, for some reason, can’t find anything to do with Dodgeball. Rent a movie, at least. Seriously. Jay calls it a disaster. Jessica can’t figure out jacks, and I’m with her, because jacks? What is that game even about?

At home, Tahlia worries about elimination, while Sandra assures us that she never messes up when it comes to modeling. Sandra reminds me of Jade, in that the world revolves around her and she pretends to be humble and vulnerable in front of the judges, but is a rude bitch to everyone else. Sandra’s good television, but I hope she goes home soon, because I can’t watch another season with Jade.

Judging. Tyra pimps her talk show a bit while introducing the photo shoot theme. Then we get into it. Sandra’s up first, and Tyra politely calls her photos boring. Nigel points out how she messed up on the runway, looks nervous now and fails with the photo. Could Sandra possibly be in danger of going home? Oh please? Celia’s next, and the judges love her photo. Fo’s shot is adorable, but she’s short. Aminat’s photo works, except for the close up. The judges love London’s photo. They also love Jessica’s pose, if this were Vogue and not a photo shoot about a child’s game. Teyona has to work on angles, but otherwise the judges like it. Isabella needs to learn about camera placement, and her picture’s a mess. Nijah’s photo captures innocence, but not musical chairs. Kortnie’s too pose-y, while Allison nails it. Tahlia missed the mark, and Tyra “break[s] it down honestly” that some people aren’t going to like Tahlia’s scars, so prepare yourself. Tyra thinks Natalie’s photo shows natural talent, but Paulina can’t see her potential.

Deliberation: The judges’ favorites are Celia, Fo, London, Nijah, and Allison. Their least favorites include Sandra, Jessica, Isabella and Tahlia.

Line the girls back up, and just like last season, the first photo called will be displayed in the house as digital art for the following week. Called first: Allison! Good way to start, judges. Bottom two: Sandra and Isabella. Isabella has a beautiful face and spirit, but fell apart in the shoot. Sandra failed in her photo shoot and on the runway. So…Isabella goes home! Logically, it should have been Sandra, but we all know that wasn’t about to happen. So, Good-bye Isabella! She remains positive and optimistic about the future. Nothing can deflate this girl’s Bubble of Happiness. I don’t ever want to be there if something does.

Next week: The tears begin, because it’s Makeover time!

Season 12, Episode 2: Fun and Games (originally aired March 4, 2009)

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Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW