The Celebrity Apprentice: I Would Have Preferred Team Gollum

Guys, I am so frikkin excited that Celebrity Apprentice is back. I refuse to analyze why I like this show so much, what it says about me and my personal taste, and what it says about my friends, since they choose to hang out with someone like myself who watches this show. But I love The Apprentice and all its many iterations (wink wink, Martha), and this version with the celebrities is like hitting the jackpot. A bunch of ego-driven celebrities sucking up to the man who can’t get enough of people sucking up to him, and they’re going to have to be respectful without looking like complete fools on national television. Hilarious!

And so Season 2 of the Celebrity Apprentice begins! Sixteen desperate, er, philanthropic celebrities meet Donald Trump on the deck of the Intrepid, where Donald alights from a helicopter to say hi and introduce the first task: pick your team leader and come up with a team name. Everyone looks nervous and excited, except for Dennis Rodman, who’s obviously pimping himself out on this show because everyone in America’s going, “Dennis Rodman? Is he still around?” and does not feel in the least compromised about it.

The teams begin, per usual, as Men vs. Women:

The Women: Team Athena

Joan Rivers, comedienne; Melissa Rivers, comedienne’s daughter; Khloe Kardashian, famous because … I don’t know why.  Uh, thanks Wikipedia (what are the chances she edits this herself?); Annie Duke, World Series of Poker winner; Natalie Gulbis, LPGA Golf Champion; Brande Roderick, Playmate of the Year; T-boz Watkins, TLC; Claudia Jordan, model.

The Men: Team Kotu (Kings of the Universe – No ego issues here, right?)

Herschel Walker, Heisman Trophy winner; Andrew Dice Clay, comic/most annoying man alive; Brian McKnight, recording artist; Tom Green, talk show host; Dennis Rodman, crossdresser/basketball player/media whore; Clint Black, country singer; Scott Hamilton, Olympic figure skater; Jesse James, “motorcycle maven and working class hero,” and Mr. Sandra Bullock.

The women choose Joan as their first Project Manager, and somehow, it falls to Herschel Walker to lead the men. There isn’t exactly a vote, Scott and Clint basically tell him he’s doing it, and nobody argues. Rodman, however, complains in his interview that he never voted Herschel in. Guess who’s going to do all the complaining on Team Kotu.

The Challenge. Donald cashes in on the NYC cupcake trend: each team must bake their own cupcakes (at the ICE, who’s really making the most of their NBC sponsorships), and set up a mobile unit anywhere in Manhattan to sell their batches. The team who makes the most money wins.

Now, if this were the real Apprentice, it would be about who could sell the most cupcakes for the highest price point. But since this is the Celebrity version, it’s about who can call in the highest donations. You could sell twenty cupcakes out of one hundred, but if you sold twenty for $10,000 a piece, you win. Man-on-the-street money means nothing, it’s all the high rollers. So on the one hand, the fun of the original is gone. On the other hand, the celebrities make up for it by being lazy and argumentative.

Up first: Trouble for Team Athena! Though Joan Rivers leads the team confidently, we learn from interactions and bitch-tastic interviews that both Melissa and Annie are not fans of subordination. Melissa guides her mother throughout the task, and her controlling ways don’t go unnoticed by her team.

In the other corner is Annie, and while I have to admire her no-nonsense attitude and the fact that she was the only other person watching the first Celebrity Apprentice along with me (holla, girl!), she is as obstinate as they come. While Joan and Melissa handle the marketing, Annie makes an enemy of nearly everyone during the baking session, talking (constantly) without listening, and assuming an unwelcome and overbearing leadership role.

Next: Problems with the Kotu! Oh, where to begin. First, it’s nice to see the men self-destruct early. The women usually can’t work together, costing them half their team in eliminations before they pull it together. But casting really outdid themselves by putting Andrew Dice Clay and Dennis Rodman on the same team.

So Dice, in case you couldn’t have guessed, doesn’t like to bake. He feels he can best serve his team by abandoning them to promote the next day’s sale over the radio. No proof exists that he either went to the radio station, or that anyone showed the next day because he did. Rodman calls him out on failing to contribute until Dice admits that he simply didn’t want to bake. The next day during the sale, Dice chills with new buddy Rodman, which means he did next to nothing. Bringing us to…

Dennis Rodman, making no attempt whatsoever to sell cupcakes or attract a crowd during the sale. He hides in the truck, claiming he doesn’t want to distract from the actual selling. You see, Dennis is so famous, people won’t buy cupcakes, because they’ll be too busy wanting pictures and autographs, and he can’t turn that into a sale, like Brian and Clint do. You could almost sympathize, if it didn’t seem so lazy.

Task-wise, with the help of Jesse James, the men put together a much more attractive Cupcake Truck. They park their truck in Times Square, smartly appealing to the tourist crowd. The women, however, call in more wealthy friends who drop big donations. Brande basically wins this challenge for the team: At Brande’s suggestion, they set up shop outside of the Playboy building, and she manages to entice (ahem) most of the company out to buy cupcakes, not to mention score (ahem) a huge donation from Hef. Annie also calls in a number of donations from successful poker players. For the men, Tom Green recruits almost a quarter of the donations himself. The other men, apparently, tried to cash in on charm. Guess where that lands them?

In the boardroom, facing elimination! Joan and her little Athen-ites win, with the help of an extra $15,000 from the owners of Crumbs (and if you’re ever in New York and go to Crumbs, the Devil Dog is my favorite. Delicious.).

The women retreat to their suite to watch the boardroom action on a nice big screen television while sipping champagne. I’m thinking of introducing champagne to my weekly CelebApprentice watching session. I judge people even better after a little bubbly. The ladies show a few cracks in the team before leaving; specifically, Claudia calls Annie out for being a psycho-leader. But who cares, because they’re safe!

Alone with the men, the Donald takes turns demanding each man choose the weakest link, and provide a sacrifice for Trump to fire. Trump pushes Jesse James a little hard, because he clearly doesn’t want to pick anyone, but the general consensus is Dice or Rodman. Only Tom Green chooses Herschel Walker, probably as a strategic move since no one else is going in that direction, and I get the feeling he’s more afraid of Dice and Rodman. I doubt they’d beat him up while they’re all still on the show. Relax, Green!

We get a nice long boardroom too – maybe because the producers decided to extend the running time to two hours (good lord), we’re treated to more arguing. Which is great for me, entertainment-wise.

Rodman springs to life when his name comes up for elimination, and he quickly shifts the blame to Herschel for not delegating and controlling the team. As a result, Herschel starts firing up. ADC agrees that it was every man for himself in the kitchen, and no one points out that he wasn’t even in the kitchen, because he was out pretending to be on the radio. McKnight comes to Herschel’s defense.

The team comes down on ADC for being unproductive, and he talks circles about how awesome he is and somehow ends up saying that he’s willing to walk away tonight, because he can only do things his way, because, you know, that’s the type of guy he is. If that sounds confusing, I watched it twice and it still makes no sense. Trump calls him a quitter, which ADC denies while admitting he’s willing to quit. Trump says the three contestants who have quit in previous seasons are considered losers. I’m pretty sure they’re not, but in Trump’s world, that’s probably the case. Trump badgers ADC into staying, because if we’ve learned anything on this show, it’s that Trump hates people quitting because that robs him of the opportunity to fire them later. ADC then says he’d fire Scott for not contributing anything. Trump can’t believe it, and I think everyone knows that Scott’s not going anywhere.

Per the rules, as the losing Project Manager, Herschel can choose two people to put up for elimination with himself. He chooses ADC and Rodman, so Trump sends the rest of the men back to their suite, and Herschel, ADC and Rodman wait in the lobby while Trump deliberates with Don and Ivanka.

When the three Kotus return, Rodman makes his case again for Herschel’s firing – Herschel had no game plan and never delegated. ADC jumps on the bandwagon, claiming he had to find his own job. To be fair to Herschel, ADC had to find his own job because he didn’t like the job he was supposed to do. Herschel claims that he’s not there to babysit, and neither Rodman nor ADC wanted to do anything, so what could Herschel do?

Trump bottom lines it, saying that Herschel and Rodman both fought tonight to stay, while ADC offered to quit. See, this is why you do your homework before going on a reality show. If you’ve watched any few episodes of The Apprentice, you’d know that Trump always fires the quitters as soon as possible. So it’s good-bye, Andrew! Pack your knives and – er, You’re Fired!

Boardroom Highlights!

ADC telling Trump “I don’t believe in baking, I never did,” and explaining that he was the Court Jester to keep everyone moving, then going into an impression of John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone, and telling Donald Trump even he can’t do that. Trump stares him down, then moves on.

Herschel unhappy hearing that his cupcakes tasted like garbage. ADC cuts off Ivanka when she tries to speak, then admonishes Trump for admonishing him. Rodman calls himself a victim, and Trump refuses to buy into Rodman’s persecution nonsense, and essentially tells him to shut up: “You’re doing just fine. You’re living well. I’ve seen your cars, I’ve seen your life, you’re doing just fine. So don’t do that shit with me, Dennis.”

Best moment: Don Jr. trying not to laugh out loud watching three grown men argue over who’s the laziest.

Joan’s Charity: God’s Love We Deliver

Next Week: Comic Books + CelebApprentice = Me in Heaven.

Season 2, Episode 1: Let Them Bake Cake (originally aired March 1, 2009)

For more on The Celebrity Apprentice, click here.

Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Ali Goldstein